THE IDEAL MUSLIMAH

Well I guess I thought like everyone else, you get married and have loads of babies. But, after 5 months of not conceiving you start to wonder a little... We had just moved to a new town so I had to find a new doctor and I finally found a female one. So I went to get my check-up and it turned out that she was a fertility specialist. Mind you, my intentions were simply to get a check-up.

The next thing I knew she said that I probably had endometriosis, so then I am thinking: what is that? She told me she was going to schedule me for surgery the next week. After I woke up from surgery she said that that was not my problem so I felt relieved. Later, as we continued talking she said both of my tubes were blocked. I was very, very heart broken. She then assured me that there was more that she could do for me. She scheduled me for another surgery to open my tubes. I had that surgery about a month after the first one. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain. I started hollering and screaming so they gave me a shot and I was out again.

Later I was taken to a room and was sedated again. After that I drifted in and out for the rest of the day. I had a beautiful dream that I was praying and going into Rukoo’ (bowing in prayer). The next afternoon my doctor told me everything had gone well. So I asked to go home where I would feel more comfortable because the whole time that I was there I had slept in a jilbaab (outer-garment) and a khimaar (a headscarf covering the entire chest, neck and head). So I went home and in two weeks I came back to her office. She said I should get pregnant by March and it is now April and nothing has happened but Inshaa'Allah (Allah Willing) maybe it will in the future.

I still hurt all the time because people snicker, and talk behind my back. I try to act like I do not notice it and that it does not bother me but it is hard. I think the hardest part of it all was not even having my family's support. My family hates me because of something that I have no control over. I know that there are more sisters out there who have the same problem but I pray that you never have to feel hate from your own family because of it.