THE IDEAL MUSLIMAH

I married when I was young and had a child right away. The marriage was very bad and we were divorced when my son was two years old. I had been having problems with cysts and bleeding and because of the abusive marriage I asked the doctor to tie my tubes so I would not have any more children. The doctor didn’t want to because I was only 20 years old, but ultimately I prevailed and he did it.

I didn’t know that I would meet a wonderful Muslim man 14 years later and want to have his child. He knew when we began to be serious about marriage that I could not have children. He was wonderful and told me he wasn’t seeing me for my ability to have children. He had been through a marriage that didn’t work out and we were both looking for a life partner. After we had been married for about a year, I spoke to my doctor about "untying" the tubes. I had the surgery, but he could only repair one tube and so much time had passed since the original surgery, that the tube itself had atrophied and where the tube meets with the ovary, the tube was nearly closed. The doctor surgically sliced it open (kind of like peeling a banana) so that, if the egg could get to the tube, then I may be able to get pregnant. We tried clomid for a year. Every month was heartbreaking when I started my period.

We decided to try in vitro fertilization. The hormones put me on an emotional roller coaster, but we were able to harvest eleven eggs. When the time came to implant the eggs, only seven had divided and four had failed to thrive. The doctors decided to use all of them in order to increase my chances for a successful pregnancy. I was so excited. Then the day before my appointment for my first pregnancy test, I started bleeding. I had miscarried. It was heartbreaking. We decided not to try again.

We had thought about adopting a child, but then my husband’s sister and her three children came to live with us. It was a blessing. Now we have three beautiful children we have been helping to raise for the last five years. Sometimes we wonder if they know who their parents really are! My husband and I would still love for us to have a child and we haven’t stopped trying. He tells me that he would never do anything to endanger our relationship and that I am more important to him that having a child. If he had to go outside of our marriage to have a child, he would not. I know he has thought a lot about it and I have offered to leave him so that he may have an opportunity to have a child with another woman. He has assured me many times, that having a child is not as important as having me.

I am an American and my husband is an Arab. His parents also live with us and would love for us to have a child. Alhamdulilah my two brothers-in-law are married and each of them has two children, and then my sister-in-law (who lives with us) has three children. There is no shortage of grandchildren and my husband’s parents are supportive and love me very much. We are blessed.