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The beloved Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of provision in this world is the pious woman."

In Islaam, the wife plays a pivotal role in married life and her role necessitates that she possess certain qualities, thus making her a good wife. Her thoughts, speech, actions and inclinations are all for the sake of gaining the pleasure of Allaah (the Mighty and Glorious), the Lord of the Universe. When a wife seeks to please her husband, ultimately it is the pleasure of Allaah (the Mighty) that she wishes to seek. The qualities that a wife should possess, which are liked by her Creator have been outlined in Soorah al-Ahzaab.

The Muslim woman is a true woman, humble, patient, constant, guards her modesty in her husband's absence, maintains integrity in times of adversity and prosperity and engages much in the praise of Allaah (Powerful is He).

When a Muslim wife marries she must understand that she has certain roles and responsibilities in Islaam, which are unique and given by her Creator. Allaah (the Sublime) has made women different to men as mentioned in the Noble Qur'aan, "And wish not for the things which Allaah (swt) has made some of you excel others and for men there is reward for what they have earned and likewise for women there is reward for what they have earned, ask Allaah of His bounty, surely, Allaah is ever All-Knower of everything." (EMQ-4:32)

We can see from this aayah (verse) that Allaah (the Noble Creator) has made clear distinction between a man and a woman's role and it is not lawful for a man or woman to question the defined roles as Allaah (the all-Knowing) says, "It is not lawful for a man or woman when Allaah and His Messenger have decided a matter, that they should have a say over it." (EMQ 33: 36)

Hence the Muslim wife being the true servant of Allaah (the Mighty) will serve her husband according to the principles of the Shar'eeah (Islamic law), and in return the husband has certain duties he must fulfil towards his wife. Among other rights, the wife has the right to Nafaqah, which is food, clothing and shelter, from her husband. He is obliged to spend from his wealth for it even if she possesses her own wealth. Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "Your wives have a right on you that you provide them with food, clothing and shelter in a fitting manner."(Muslim)

It is important to note that when the wife carries out her duties towards her husband, she does it as an act of submission to her Creator; hence her reward is from her Creator. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) loved his wives for their piety. 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) once narrated the fine qualities of Zaynab (may Allah be pleased with her), the seventh wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him),

"Zaynab was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allaah's Messenger and I have never seen a woman more advanced in piety, more god-conscious, more truthful, more sincere to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life than Zaynab. And (i have never seen a woman) having more of a charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allaah (than her)."

Such great Muslim women are examples for us, worthy of emulation, from which a Muslim woman can learn purity, strength of character, soundness of belief and wisdom. For emulation of the Mothers of Paradise can only lead us to the bounty of paradise (inshaa'Allaah). Abu Nu'aym narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadhan preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter paradise by any of the gates she wishes." (Al-Bukhaari, Al-Muwatta' and Musnad of Imaam Ahmad.)

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In Islaam, marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in which each becomes permitted to the other, and they begin the long journey of life in a spirit of love, co-operation, harmony and tolerance, where each feels at ease with the other, and finds tranquillity, contentment and comfort in the company of the other.

The Qur’aan has described this relationship between men and women, which brings about love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving and eloquent terms, {And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts].} (Qur’aan 30:21.)

This is the strongest of bonds, in which Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) unites the two Muslim partners, who come together on the basis of love, understanding, co-operation and mutual advice. Who establish a Muslim family in which children will live and grow up, and they will develop the good character and behaviour taught by Islaam.

The Muslim family is the strongest component of a Muslim society when its members are productive and constructive, helping and encouraging one another to be good and righteous, and competing with one another in good works.

The righteous woman is the pillar, cornerstone and foundation of the Muslim family. She is seen as the greatest joy in a man’s life, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous woman.” (Sahih Muslim 10/56)

A righteous woman is the greatest blessing that Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) can give to a man, for with her he can find comfort and rest after the exhausting struggle of earning a living.

With his wife, he can find incomparable tranquillity and pleasure.

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It is obligatory on you O Muslim woman to obey your husband in matters of good. Aboo Hurayrah reported that Allaah’s Messenger (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “If a woman prays her five (daily) prayers and keeps her private parts chaste and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any of the doors of Paradise she wishes.” (Reported by Ibn Hibbaan in his Saheeh)

Allaah’s Messenger (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said also, “It is not lawful for a woman to fast while her husband is present unless she has his permission. And she must not allow anyone in his home except with his permission.” (Reported by Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Allaah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “When a man calls his wife to bed and she does not come to him, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until the morning arrives.” (Reported by Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

And in the report of Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim, the Messenger of Allaah (sallAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “By the One in whose Hand my soul is, there is no man that calls his wife to bed and she refuses him, except that the One who is above the heavens is displeased with her until he (the husband) becomes content with her.”

From the rights the husband possesses over his wife is that she fulfils the duty of tending to his household and not coming out from it except with his permission. The Messenger of Allaah (sallAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said: “The woman is the caretaker of her husband’s household and she will be questioned as to her responsibility.” (Reported by Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Another right he possesses over her is that she fulfils the duties of the household and that she does not unnecessarily make him hire a female servant, which may cause harm and due to which there will be a risk of danger for himself and his children.

Shaykh-ul-Islaam Ibn Taimiyyah (rahimahullaah) said commenting on Allaah’s saying,

“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (i.e. their chastity).”{footnote}Surah An-Nisaa: 34{/footnote}

“This mandates the unrestricted obligation of a woman obeying her husband, in all affairs, such as serving him, traveling with him, assisting him and other matters, as is indicated in the Sunnah of Allaah’s Messenger.” (Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa (32/260-261).)

The great scholar, Ibn Al-Qayyim (rahimahullaah) said,

“Those who say that it is obligatory for the woman to serve the husband use (this verse) as proof in that those who Allaah directed His Speech to (on this occasion) considered this to be from al-ma’roof (good). But as for the woman relaxing and having the husband serve her, sweep, grind the flour, knead the bread, wash the clothes, fix the bed, and serve the household, then that is from al-munkar (evil).

Allaah says, ‘And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar to those (of their husbands) over them.’ (Surah Al-Baqarah: 228.)

Also, ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers over women.’ (Surah An-Nisaa: 34.)

So if a woman doesn’t serve her husband, but instead he acts like a servant to her, then this means that she is the protector and maintainer over him.”

He further said,

“For indeed Allaah obligated him to spend on her, to clothe her and to provide her with a place of dwelling in exchange for his enjoying her and her serving him, as well as what the habits of the spouses call for.

Likewise, the binding marriage agreements require that the spouses live in kindness. And kindness means a woman’s serving (her husband) and taking care of the inner affairs of the household.”

And he said,

“And there is no difference as to whether the woman is prestigious or lowly, or if she is poor or rich. Just look at this woman who was the most prestigious of women in the world…” (Al-Hadee (5/188-189).)

He is referring to Faatimah (radiyallaahu a'nhaa), for she would serve her husband diligently.

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This discussion of the intellectual, psychological and other qualities of the smart Muslim wife demonstrates that she is a successful wife, if not the most successful wife and the greatest blessing and good fortune that a man may enjoy.

By virtue of her understanding of Islamic teaching, and her fulfilling her duties towards her husband, she becomes the greatest joy of her husband’s life: when he comes home, she greets him with a warm and friendly smile, speaking kindly and sweetly, looking attractive and smart, with a clean and tidy house, pleasant conversation, and a table full of good food, pleasing him and making him happy.

She is obedient, kind and loving towards her husband, ever eager to please him. She does not disclose his secrets or upset his plans. She stands beside him at times of hardship, offering her support and wise advice. She shares his joys and sorrows. She endears herself to him by the way she looks and behaves, and fills his life with joy and happiness. She encourages him to obey Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) in different ways, and motivates him by joining him in different activities.

She respects his mother and family. She refrains from looking at other men. She keeps away from foolish and worthless talk. She is keen to provide an atmosphere of peace, tranquility and stability for her husband and children. She is strong of character without being rude or aggressive, and is kind and gentle without being weak. She earns the respect of those who speak to her. She is tolerant and forgiving, overlooking errors and never bearing grudges.

Thus the Muslim wife deserves to be the most successful wife. She is the greatest blessing that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) may bestow upon a man, and an incomparable source of joy in this life.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) indeed spoke the truth when he said,

“This world is nothing but temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this wold is a righteous woman.” (Sahih Muslim, 10/56, Kitab al-rida', bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.)

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Wondering what’s happened to the romance since you became parents? It needn’t be that way! With a little effort, your relationship can be stronger and more meaningful than ever before. After all, your children are the fruits of your love and commitment to each other. So come on…renew the strength of your relationship and through it, you’ll re-ignite the passion you have for one another…

Pray together

In any situation, even the most stressful, remind each other of how Allah would want his true servants to behave. Pray together at least once a day, standing as servants together in front of your Creator. Remind each other to have sabr (patience) and tawakkul (reliance upon Allah).

Embrace one another

Physical contact is so important and even an embrace and a simple back rub or head massage can reduce stress levels and keep you connected to each other. Take time out to have a hug and renew yourselves.

Argue with boundaries

Arguments can make you eventually closer to your husband if they are constructive. How? Well, say you wanted him to do something, he doesn’t understand why, you explain how it makes you feel, he eventually sees why you are upset and why it means so much to you, so in the end you understand each others needs a little bit better…you have been fighting yourselves closer to one another! Don’t cross the boundaries of decency when you argue. Don’t character assassinate and do not deny his good qualities. Being unthankful to our husbands is one of the characteristics we have to avoid.

Be prepared to apologise.

Apologise sincerely when you are wrong and accept his apologies. Don’t bring up the past…deal with the present. Life is too short for bickering and you’ll be surprised at how saying sorry can allow you both to move on and start afresh.

Notice the beauty and it will magnify.

Why is it that we tend to treat strangers with more courtesy and respect than those whom we are closest to? Treat your husband with the respect, careful choice of words and body language that you would treat a person who you have met for the first time and want to leave a good impression on. Praise your husband for his skills and characteristics. Notice the good and it will increase and grow!

Have a routine

If your kids are up till late, and your home is disorderly, then it’s hardly surprising that you don’t get a chance to bond with your spouse. There has to be time for you to be together as a couple, for you to be able to pay full attention to each other. So get your kids into a good meal and bedtime routine and stick to it! It’ll change your life!

Go on a date!

Have regular time alone together…uninterrupted! Even if that means asking your mum to keep the kids for a few hours. You could use that time to talk, remember how you met and what your feelings were for each other when you got married. Eat out together or go to a quiet spot by a river or for a stroll in the park. Only talk about positive things in that time that you have set aside for yourselves.

Keep communicating

Listen and empathise with your husband’s struggles. Communicate to him what your needs are, don’t expect him to guess! Things that seem obvious to you aren’t always to him, so tell him how he could make things easier for you and work to make things easier for him too.

Don’t go to sleep on an argument

Try to resolve issues before you go to bed. Leaving things unresolved can lead to a build up of bad feelings which eat away at your relationship.

Flirt with each other!

Leave a little love note in his lunch box or stick it on his rear-view mirror. Send him a text message with a message of love and gratitude for all he has done for you. You are never more attractive than when you are smiling and happy. Be a bit of a bimbo sometimes! What I mean by that is: joke and be light hearted around your husband and don’t always bring up the heavy stuff when you’re with him.

Get your glad rags out!

You know! The make-up and jewellery you once wore but now don’t seem to be able to find. Make an effort to look good and both you and your husband will benefit! Even if you can’t do it every day, dress up once in a while and your husband is sure to notice the extra effort you’ve put in. Indulge in nice smelling bath scrubs that’ll make your skin soft and smelling sensual. A mud mask or facial, once a week will make your face shine with radiance!

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'Aa'ishah (radi Allaahu 'anha) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said,

"Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands.

The first one said,

"My husband is like the meat of a lean weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it."

The second one said,

"I shall not relate my husband's news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits."

The third one said,

"My husband is a tall man; if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will neither divorce me nor treat me as a wife."

The fourth one said,

"My husband is a moderate person like the night of Tihama which is neither hot nor cold. I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him."

The fifth one said,

"My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard, and when going out, is a lion. He does not ask about whatever is in the house."

The sixth one said,

"If my husband eats, he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing, and if he sleeps he sleeps alone (away from me) covered in garments and does not stretch his hands here and there so as to know how I fare (get along)."

The seventh one said,

"My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both."

The eighth one said,

"My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zar'nab (a kind of good smelling grass)."

The ninth one said,

"My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant and his house is near to the people who would easily consult him."

The tenth one said,

"My husband is Maalik, and what is Maalik? Maalik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests."

The eleventh one said,

"My husband is Aboo Zar' and what is Aboo Zar' (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain .

Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill. The mother of Aboo Zar' and what may one say in praise of the mother of Aboo Zar'? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Aboo Zar', what may one say of the son of Aboo Zar'? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Aboo Zar', she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband's other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Aboo Zar', what may one say of the (maid) slave girl of Aboo Zar'? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house."

The eleventh lady added,

"One day it so happened that Aboo Zar' went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons ... (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her.

Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, 'Eat (of this), O Um Zar', and give provision to your relatives." She added, "Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Aboo Zar's."'

'Aa'ishah then said, Allaah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said to me, "I am to you as Aboo Zar' was to his wife Um Zar'." (Saheeh Muslim)

May Allaah grant the believing women the thorough reflection upon this Hadeeth... aameen!

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One of the ways in which a woman may endear herself to her husband is by sharing his joys and sorrows. So she joins him in some of his pastimes, and his daily work, such as reading, exercise, and attending useful talks and gatherings, and so on, so that her husband will feel that he is not alone in his enjoyment of the good things in life, but that he is sharing these pleasures with a loving, intelligent and loyal wife.

The fact that the Prophet (peace be upon him) raced with ‘Aa’ishah more than once indicates the fact that Islaam urges both spouses to share their partner’s joy and happiness in life, because this sharing will have a powerful effect in deepening their feelings for one another and strengthening the bonds between them.

Just as she shares his joys, so she also shares his worries and concerns, and comes to him with kind words of consolation, mature and sensible advice and sincere emotional support.

Further, the true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided that no sin is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always eager to please him and make him happy and if he is poor, she does not complain about his being unable to spend much.

She does not complain about her housework, because she remembers that many of the virtuous women in Islamic history set an example of patience, goodness and a positive attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of their homes despite the poverty and hardships they faced.

One of the foremost of these exemplary wives is Fatimah az-Zahraa’, the daughter of Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and the wife of ‘Ali ibn Abi Talib (may Allah be pleased with him). She used to complain of the pain in her hands caused by grinding grain with the hand-mill. Her husband ‘Ali ibn Abi Talib said to her one day,

“Your father has brought some female slaves, so go and ask him for one of them to come and serve you.”

She went to her father, but she felt too shy to ask him for what she wanted. ‘Ali went and asked him to provide a servant for his beloved daughter, but the Prophet could not respond to those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs of the poor among the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her husband and said, “Shall I not teach you something that is better than that for which you asked me? When you go to bed at night, say ‘Subhaan Allah’ thirty-three times, ‘Al-hamdu lillaah’ thirty-three times, and ‘Allahu akbar’ thirty-four times. This is better for you than a servant.” (Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 64.)

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The following article is a transcribed interview conducted with Umm ‘Abdullah, the wife of Shaykh ibn 'Uthaymeen. It’s a great question and answer session because you get an inside look into everyday greatness. Inshaa’Allah, we can benefit from the Shaykh’s example as well as his wife’s, who is to be immensely respect for her role as one who helped the Shaykh in seeking and propagating such beneficial knowledge to the Ummah. One can also see the amazing respect and love she had for her husband.

Sisters whose husbands are into da'wah and teaching are especially advised to read this interview.

Question 1: Was there any change in the motivation of the Shaykh regarding ‘ilm (knowledge), da’wah, and worship between his youth and his elder years?

Answer: I did not find any diminishing or weakness in his motivation in knowledge, da’wah, and worship despite his advancing age. On the contrary, his busy schedule continued to increase with time, as was the case with his worship and call, to the extent that during his intense illness, he was not negligent with one moment; he would spend every second in the remembrance of Allah (subhaanallaahu wa ta’aala), worshipping Him, teaching, or directing.

Question 2: What did you see that was amazing in the Shaykh’s life?

Answer: His life was an example to follow, especially his patience and motivation to seek the knowledge as well as teach and disseminate it. Also, his piety was something that those who were not close to him may not have known about.

Question 3: How did the Shaykh interact with his children in their private lives?

Answer: His dealings with his sons and daughters fell into two stages:

First, in their childhood, he was keen on being close to them, taking care of them, raising some of the Islamic principles in them, and following their educational achievements. In addition, he made sure to direct, admonish, and incite them. For instance, he would sometimes take the children with him to the Masjid to perform some of the Fardh (obligatory) prayers. Also, he would encourage them to fast some of the days of Ramadhaan. Furthermore, he would incite them to memorize some of the short soorahs of the Qur’aan and reward them for it.

When the children reached youth and maturity, he was firm concerning fulfillment of religious obligations and in disciplining for cases of negligence. Although he disciplined with direction and leniency. At certain times, he was not hesitant to do what was sufficient to change or correct their mistakes. In addition, he used to put full trust in them to do certain things so they could learn to depend upon themselves; he used to continuously encourage them to righteousness and keep a check on them regarding it.

Question 4: Why did the Shaykh not use henna on his beard?

Answer: Maybe he did not have the time to apply it. I think I heard him saying something to this effect.

Question 5: When did the Shaykh’s anger intensify, and how did he deal with your anger?

Answer: His anger used to intensify if the inviolable matters of Allaah were violated. Regarding my anger with the children, he would try to calm me down first, and then give the admonition to the one that was mistaken. In general, he was quiet and did not anger quickly; when he did, his anger would quickly dissipate, and this is from the favours of Allaah upon him, something I wished to also have.

Question 6: How did he get up from his sleep? Did he depend on an alarm clock, or would he ask someone to wake him?

Answer: He used to depend upon Allaah, then the alarm clock and then us. Usually, he awoke before the alarm, and before I would go to wake him up.

Question 7: Would the Shaykh ever go out with his family for a picnic?

Answer: Yes, the family used to have a weekly picnic on Fridays after Salaat al-Jumu’ah (the Friday prayer). We would go to an area in the wilderness close-by and bring our lunch. He utilized this time to share in some activities with the children, like foot-racing and solving puzzles. Also, he would bring a small rifle and compete with his children in aiming and shooting.

Question 8: How did the Shaykh fast during the year?

Answer: The Shaykh consistently fasted three days each month throughout his life. In addition, he would fast six days in Shawwal, the ten days of Dhul-Hijjah, and the day of ‘Aashooraa’.

Question 9: How did the Shaykh select the names of his children?

Answer: He used to choose names like ‘Abdullaah and ‘Abdur-Rahman; he left the rest for consultation amongst us. We would pick a name and present it to him; he would either agree or ask us to select another. These are the names of two of his sons.

Question 10: What were some of the things that would please the Shaykh?

Answer: There is no doubt that the Shaykh’s happiness used to increase whenever he saw the strength of Islaam and Muslims.

Regarding happiness at home, it was manifested in meetings with his family and children. You would also see the signs of pleasure and happiness on him upon receiving his grandchildren. He used to open his cloak to allow them to enter underneath and then inquire about them a few times before reopening it; he would do this several times. Later, he would take them to his library where he kept a special kind of sweets which the kids used to call “halawat abooyee” (my father’s sweets). We were keen to ensure that they would not find it, except with him. In addition, despite his busy schedule, he made sure to visit his grandchildren at their homes or in the hospital if any of them were ill; this would have a great influence on them and their patents.

Question 11: How many children did the Shaykh have?

Answer: The Shaykh had five sons and three daughters.

Question 12: Who amongst his children was the closest to his heart?

Answer: The Shaykh used to deal justly with his children in all affairs, major and minor. If he found any kind of distinction between them, he would never declare it openly because this is not from justice. If he was keen to be just in matters lighter than this, then what such a matter?

Question 13: Who amongst his children was most affected by his death?

Answer: All of them were, and the reality of the matter is that I used to feel that we were not alone in this as he was a father to Muslims around the world, who all felt a great shock by his death.

Question 14: Who is his youngest child?

Answer: The youngest is a daughter who is 21 years old.

Question 15: What were the steps the Shaykh took in seeking knowledge, and what was your role in that?

Answer: The Shaykh began teaching in the Grand Mosque in 'Unayzah following the death of his Shaykh, ‘Abd ar-Rahman ibn Naasir as-Saa’di even before I married him. At that time, he used to consider himself a student of knowledge.

Concerning my assistance, it was manifested in not distracting him from seeking knowledge and propagating it. I used to serve and make available to him what would support his efforts. I would also follow the children and take care of them, except in matters that required his notification so that he could direct, admonish, and seek a solution.

Question 16: How did he reconcile between the daw’ah, which took most of his time, and his familial and social responsibilities?

Answer: He used to organize his time and gave this great attention. For instance, he would dedicate time for teaching, fatwah (Islamic Verdicts), daw’ah (Calling to Allah), worship, the family, the children, social responsibilities, and upholding the ties of kinship.

If he, at certain times, was unable to directly share in some of these responsibilities, he was still keen to share even by phone.

Question 17: What was his policy regarding educating and directing his children?

Answer: His policy was education; however, he did not force his children to seek a specialty, but instead used to consult with them regarding this decision. The obvious proof is that his children graduated from different types of colleges, some shar’i (Islamic Jurisprudence and Law), others military, and also educational.

Question 18: Taking into consideration the Shaykh’s work and commitments, this inevitably led to him being away from home and the family. What was your role regarding this matter, and how did you cover for his absence?

Answer: Even if he was away from home whether for teaching and propagating inside 'Unayzah or while travelling, he used to follow up his children by phone calls and by checking on their affairs upon his return.

My role is not even worth mentioning because we always felt his presence with us. In general, I used to make the children feel their father’s responsibilities were great and his works many. As such, I would incite them to be patient on that, and he used to compensate them on his return.

Question 19: Could you tell us about his worship at home?

Answer: He was keen to perform the as-Sunan ar-Rawaatib (regular sunnah prayers), except in limited circumstances. He used to wake up in the latter part of the night as much as possible and then make the Witr before Fajr (the dawn prayer), in addition to the remembrances and istighfaar (asking Allah’s forgiveness) which he did not discontinue.

Question 20: What was his daily program? For example, when did he sleep and wake, and when did he eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Answer: The Shaykh used to get up in the last third of the night, praying as much as Allaah wished and then he would make the Witr before the Adhaan [call to prayer] of Fajr. Following the Adhaan, he would pray the regular Sunnah of Fajr. Next, he would wake his family before going to perform Salaat al-Fajr (the dawn prayer) at the masjid. He would then return home to read his daily remembrances in the courtyard as well as some Qur’aan until about sunrise.

He would then sleep till about 8am. This was on the days that he was not teaching at the university. After waking again, he would eat some breakfast and then finish his work and readings in his study. He would also pray Salaat ad-Dhuhaa before going to the Masjid for Salaat adh-Dhuhr. Upon his return, he would eat lunch with his family at about 1:30pm.

Next, he would take phone calls until about 20 minutes before ‘Asr. He would then rest for fifteen minutes or less before going to the Masjid to pray ‘asr. He would return to his study after listening to people read (Islamic Texts) before going again to the Masjid for Maghrib and his daily classes that would last until 'Isha.

Usually he would return home after that to eat a light dinner before going to his study to either give lectures outside of the Kingdom via telelink or hold meetings. This was almost his regular schedule throughout most the year, although it would change during some seasons such as Ramadhaan, Hajj, and the summer break. There were also some weekly commitments, and these would take place either at home or outside. Some of his weekly commitments included: Wednesday night meetings with the judges, meetings with the Imaams (leaders of the masjid) that were scheduled to give the Khutbah (sermon) of Jumu’ah (Friday) in the Masaajid, meetings with university staff and professors, and meetings with the people of Hisbah (those that enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong) until 11 or 12 p.m. then he would go to sleep.

Question 21: What was his schedule during Ramadan, especially after iftaar [opening the fast]?

Answer: During Ramadhaan, the Shaykh had a different schedule. He would spend most of his time at the Masjid reciting Qur’aan and meeting the needs of the people. Also, he would invite some of the students of knowledge and the poor to have Iftaar (open their fast) at our home. After Salaat al-'Isha, he would return home for dinner and to give Fataawa (Islamic Verdicts) over the phone. In addition, many people would visit our house to either say salaam (offer Islamic greetings) to the Shaykh or seek a fatwah (Islamic Verdict).

Question 22: Where did the Shaykh like to spend his rest time?

Answer: In reality, the Shaykh did not know (i.e. have) rest time; all of his time was busy. Even when he was sitting with us, the phone sometimes would ring, and he would spend a long time addressing the call. His rest time was in propagating the knowledge, meeting people’s needs, and fataawaa (Islamic Verdicts).

Question 23: How many hours a day did the Shaykh sleep?

Answer: The connected time did not exceed 3 to 4 hours. In total, it did not exceed 6 hours daily.

Question 24: Who amongst the students of the Shaykh did he praise, mention often and was pleased with their visits?

Answer: He looked the same upon all of his students. All of them were like his sons, and he did not praise any of them in particular, but he looked upon them equally when he would meet or welcome them to the house. Also, he would share in their special occasions, meetings, trips, or support them if they were in need of something.

Question 25: How did the Shaykh’s family deal with his asceticism and piety?

Answer: We used to see him as an example in all things, and we used to revere his asceticism and piety, which would comfort us since he did not like any unnatural mannerisms nor did he want that around him.

He was a simple person who liked ease in all of his matters.

Question 26: Did he cry upon the death of Shaykh ‘Abdul-‘Azeez ibn Baaz?

Answer: He was greatly affected by the death of his Shaykh, from whom he took knowledge. Everyone around him felt the extent of the profound impact it had.

May Allaah make us meet them all in the Paradise of bliss.

Question 27: Did he travel for other than seeking knowledge?

Answer: No, he did not travel except to seek knowledge. He used to travel to Makkah for ‘Umrah (pilgrimage), where he would dedicate times for duroos (lessons) and lectures. In addition, he went to Riyaadh and Taa’if to attend meetings of the Grand Scholars Committee.

Question 28: Can you tell us about the apparent generosity of the Shaykh with those in need?

Answer: We used to feel his care for the people in need, whether they were distant or close. For instance, he used to check on the affairs of his family and relatives that were in need. Also, he would do the same with his neighbours, helping them in all that they needed, comforting them concerning their worries, and sharing in their joyous occasions.

Question 29: What did you learn from the Shaykh? Did you learn matters of fataawa (Islamic Verdicts)? Did you ever give fataawa?

Answer: I learned from the Shaykh everything that relates to the affairs of this life, whether from the social or legal aspects.

Concerning giving fatawa, I would not even dare to do this. I only used to present the questions I received to him and then relate the answers and fataawaa to those that had asked.

Question 30: Before the Shaykh’s death, what did he admonish his household and beloved ones with?

Answer: The Shaykh did not give a specific direction before his death, but throughout his life, he would direct everyone to that which benefited them in their life and in their deen (religion).

Question 31: We would like an admonition from you to the wives of the Callers and Students of Knowledge.

Answer: They should preserve with their husbands, openly and secretly. In addition, they should prepare for them the best situations and conditions to continue providing their duties of da’wah and knowledge. Also, I incite them that they should not be bothered by the busy schedule of their husbands and their time spent travelling, seeking knowledge, reading, and doing da’wah.

By Allaah’s Will, they are sharing in the reward.

Question 32: Could you tell us about the way the Shaykh used to receive his guests?

Answer: He would receive his guests with simplicity and a real sense of welcoming. He ensured that they felt like guests, and no day passed, except that he brought a guest either for lunch, dinner or in between. We were pleased with his guests and would honour them.

Question 33: What about a rare and pleasing encounter he had with his children or neighbours?

Answer: The Shaykh acted with simplicity towards his children and neighbours and all those surrounding him. One such rare and pleasant occasion is when the Shaykh would record some short recitations of the Qur’aan and nasheeds for his children and sometimes in the presence of one of the neighbours’ kids. He then would re-play the cassette to them during some meeting with them at older ages. We even still keep some of these recording to this date.

Question 34: What is your advice to those that spread mischief in our Kingdom?

Answer: We ask Allaah to preserve our land and to continue to bestow upon us the favour of security and safety. The Shaykh would often repeat and mention that he does not know of any nation on the face of this earth that applies the Sharee’ah and holds to the correct creed like this one. Similarly, he used to incite us to deal with affairs using wisdom, good admonition, and leniency instead of resorting to violence.

Question 35: Is there anything that the Shaykh asked you to do that seemed strange and made you feel hesitant?

Answer: It may be unknown to most that I was illiterate and did not receive any kind of formal education. When I married the Shaykh, I was fully busy in his service and in providing him the correct, comfortable environment to seek knowledge and teach. After we had our children, I was busy with them, and it took all my time to raise them, in addition to the time I used to spend to help and support the Shaykh in seeking knowledge. After the children grew up and my responsibilities began to ease slightly, I was surprised that the Shaykh began to incite me to join the senior school i.e. for the elderly. Although hesitant at first, I decided to join. During this period, he followed my achievements and would not accept any of my sons signing my transcripts of record. He would say,

“I am the one to sign for all that relates to your academic achievements.”

This moment of learning is a period that cannot be forgotten by me due to its great, innumerable benefits.

Question 36: What kinds of gifts would the Shaykh give you, his children, and people in general?

Answer: During his lifetime, he would not withhold anything from those that were close and those that were distant, to the best of his ability. The greatest gift he used to give us was his da’wah (calling to Allah) and du’aa (supplication). I ask Allaah to accept his du’aa (supplication), hold them for him in his good record, and bestow upon us the ability to be righteous after his death.

Question 37: Did the Shaykh relate to you anything nice that occurred in the masjid?

Answer: He would always mention to us those things that he thought were fit to mention.

Question 38: When did the Shaykh travelled for da’wah, how would you treat him concerning his leave?

Answer: I used to incite and encourage him as well as make things easy for him by providing him with that which he needed. In general, his trips were few, and I used to join him in most of them. Concerning travelling outside of the Kingdom, then he did not leave the country, except to seek treatment in America for ten days, and I joined him during that.

Question 39: Could you tell us about the Shaykh’s use of the internet when it was first introduced in the Kingdom?

Answer: He was one of the earliest to hasten to benefit from this service and tried to utilize it to disseminate, propagate, and serve the Islamic knowledge. There is nothing more evident of this than the establishment of his website, which contains most of his works. His site is currently supervised by the charitable organization that was setup after his death.

Question 40: When did the Shaykh buy the automatic telephone answering machine?

Answer: From the things that are unknown to many is that the Shaykh was seen and had interest in modern electronic instruments. There were those that used to provide him with the newest technology, that is why we would often find that he had with him certain electronics that hadn't even as yet been released in the market at that time. Examples include: electronic watches, instruments that could determine the direction of the qiblah (direction towards the Ka’bah), audio recording devices, mobile phones, and automatic telephone answering machines, among many other gadgets. He acquired the automatic answering machine as soon as it became available in the Kingdom. He used it a great deal, often programming it and recording the messages himself, to the extent that when he would travel, he would leave a detailed message on how to contact him while he was away. In even this he was an example for us.

Question 41: Did the Shaykh buy newspapers and how did he learn about local and national news?

Answer: We used to receive one of the newspapers at our home as a gift, and he would look at it if he had the time. Sometimes he would ask us for scissors in order to extract important articles or news. Also, he would hear the news on the radio, especially during breakfast around 7 or 8 p.m. in the morning when he would listen to either the Qur’aan broadcasting from the Riyadh radio-station or he would listen to the BBC. In addition, he would at length sometimes listen to the news if there were important developments.

Source: Interview conducted by Sister Maha bint Husein ash-Shammar & published in “Al-Mutamayyizah” Magazine Issue No. 45, Ramadhan, 1427. Confirmed & Presented in English by Dr. Saleh As-Saleh.

*The interview has been edited for readability.

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The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be were ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and the joy the marriage was going to bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.

Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam

Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islaam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood/sisterhood of Islaam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood/sisterhood and adherence to these principles.

Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations

Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse

Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet (sallallahu alayhe wa sallam) said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing."  (Muslim)

Be Your Mate's Best Friend

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

Spend Quality Time Together

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

Express Feelings Often

This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.

Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness

Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past

It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islaam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.

Surprise Each Other at Times

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself, or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

Have a Sense of Humour

This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:

• Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

• Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

• Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

• Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

• Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

• If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.

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An important characteristic of the intelligent Muslim woman is that she does not describe any of her female friends or acquaintances to her husband, because this is forbidden according to the words of the Prophet (peace be upon him),

“No woman should talk about another woman, or describe her to her husband (so that it is) as if he sees her.” (See Fath al-Bari, 9/338, Kitab al-nikah, bab tabashir al-mar'ah al-mar'ah fatana'atha li zawjiha.)

Islaam wants people’s hearts to be at peace, and to put a stop to provocative thoughts and overactive imaginations, so that people may live their lives in a decent and calm fashion, free from such thoughts and so that they are able to go about performing the tasks and duties for which they were created.

No woman should let her husband's mind become preoccupied with cheap thoughts concerning the comparative nature between herself and the woman she describes to him, as his imagination may add to the woman’s supposed beauty.

Fear Allah and be careful O Sister! Be careful not lead your husband towards temptation, as this may make him go astray...and surely towards Allah (the Mighty, the Glorious) is our return.

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1. Beautiful Reception

After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you, begin with a good greeting.

• Meet him with a cheerful face.
• Beautify and perfume yourself.
• Start with good news and delay any bad news until he has rested.
• Receive him with loving and yearning sentences.
• Make hard efforts for excellence of the food & having it ready on time

2. Beautify and Soften the Voice

*For your husband only, it shouldn't be used in front of non-mahram men.

3- Smelling Good and Physical Beautification

• Taking good care of your body and fitness.
• Put on nice and attractive clothes and perfumes.
• Bath regularly and, after the monthly period, remove any blood traces, bad smells and especially hair.
• Avoid that your husband observes you in dirty clothes or rough shape.
• Avoid prohibited types of ornamentation, e.g. tatoo.
• Use the types of perfumes, colors, and clothes that your husband likes.
• Change hair style, perfumes, etc. from time to time.

However, you should avoid excessiveness with these things and, of course, only act as such in front of mahram men and women.

4- Intercourse

• Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it.
• Keep your body clean and smelling good as possible including cleaning yourself of released fluids from intercourse.
• Exchange loving phrases with your husband.
• Leave your husband to fully satisfy his desire.
• Choose suitable times and good occasions for exciting your husband, and encouraging him to do intercourse, e.g. after returning from a travel, weekends, etc.

5- Satisfaction With What Allah (the Mighty) Has Allotted

• You shouldn't be depressed because your husband is poor or works in a simple job.
• You should look at poor, sick, and handicapped people and remember Allah (the Glorious) for all that He has given to you.
• You should remember that real wealth lays in Eemaan (faith) and piety.

6- Indifference to Worldly Things

• You should not consider this world as your hope and interest.
• You should not ask your husband for many unnecessary things.
• Asceticism does not mean not to enjoy what is good and permissible (Halaal), but it means that one should look forward to the hereafter and utilize whatever Allah (the Subtle) gave you to achieve the paradise (Jannah).
• Encourage your husband to reduce expenses and save some money in order to give to charity and to feed the poor and needy people.

7- Appreciation

• The Prophet (prayers and peace be upon him) told us that the majority of people in hell are women because many are ungrateful for the good done to them.
• The result of being grateful towards your husband is that your husband will love you more and will do his best to please you in more ways.
• The result of being ungrateful is that your husband will be disappointed and will start asking himself, 'Why should I do good to her anymore? She never appreciates the good i do for her anyway!'

8- Devotion and Loyalty

• Particularly in times of calamities in your husband's body or business, e.g. an accident or a bankruptcy.
• Suppor him through your own work, money, and properties if needed.

9- Compliance to Him

• In all what he commands you, unless it is prohibited (Haraam).
• In Islaam, the husband is the leader of the family, and the wife is his supporter and consultant.

10-Pleasing Him If He Is Angry

• First off, try to avoid what will guarantee his anger.
• But if you really can't, then try to appease him as follows,

1- If you are mistaken, then apologize.

2- If he is mistaken then:

3- If he becomes angry because of external reasons then:

# Keeping silent until his anger goes,
       # Find excuses for him, e.g. tired, problems at work, some one insulted him,
             # Do not ask many questions and insist on knowing what happened, e.g.

- "You should tell me what happened?"

- "I must know what made you so angry."

- "You are hiding something, and I have the right to know."

11-Guardianship While He is Absent

• Protect yourself from any prohibited relations.
• Keep the secrets of the family, particularly intercourse and things that your spouse would not like other people to know.
• Take care of the house and children.
• Take care of his money and properties.
• Do not go out of your home without his permission and if he allows you, put on your full hijaab.
• Refuse those people from entering your home who he does not like and who he would not like in the home.
• Do not allow any non-mahram man to be alone with you in any place.
• Be good to his parents and relatives in his absence and ofcourse in his presence.

12- Showing Respect for his Family and Friends

• You should welcome his guests and try to please them, especially his parents.
• You should avoid problems as much as you can with his relatives.
• You should avoid putting him in a position where he will be forced to choose between his mother and you.
• Show good hospitality for his guests by arranging a nice place for them to sit in, perfection of food, welcoming their wives, etc.
• Encourage him to visit his relatives and invite them to your home.
• Phone his parents and sisters, send letters to them, buy gifts for them, support them in calamities, etc..

13- Admirable Jealousy

• Jealousy is a sign for wife's love for her husband but it should be kept within the limits of Islaam, e.g. not insulting or backbiting others, disrespecting them, etc.
• You should not follow or create unfounded doubts in your relationship.

14-Patience and Emotional Support

• Be patient when you face poverty, strained circumstances, disasters that may happen to you, your husband, your children, relatives or properties, e.g. diseases, accidents, death, etc.
• When facing hardships in Da'wah (imprisonment, getting fired, arrested, etc.), be patient and encourage him to keep on the path of Allah and remind him of paradise.
• When he mistreats you, try to counteract his ill-treatment by good treatment as much as possible.

15- Support in Obedience to Allah, Da'wah and Jihaad

• Cooperate with your husband and remind him of different obligatory and voluntary worships.
• Encourage him to pray at night.
• Listen and reciting the Qur'aan individually and with your husband.
• Listen to Islamic tapes and permissible nasheeds individually and with your husband.
• Remember Allah (the Mighty) much, particularly after Fajr and before Maghrib.
• Share in arranging Da'wah activities for women and children.
• Learn the Islamic rules (ahkaam) and good manners ('aadaab) befitting for the Muslim woman.
• Support your husband's activities by encouraging him, offering wise opinions, soothing his pains, etc.
• Yield some of your rights and some of your time with your husband for Da'wah.
• Encourage him to go for Jihaad when needed and remind him that you and children will be in the preservation of Allah (the Most High).

16-Good Housekeeping

• Keep it clean, decorated and well arranged.
• Change house arrangements from time to time to avoid boredom.
• Try and perfect your cooking and prepare healthy foods.
• Learn all the necessary skills for managing the house, e.g. cooking.
• Learn how to raise children properly and in an Islamic fashion.

17-Preservation of Finances and the Family

• Do not spend from his money, even for charity without his permission unless you are sure that he'll be o.k. with it.
• Protect his house, car, etc. while he is absent.
• Keep the children in good shape, clean clothes, etc. Take care of their nutrition, health, education, manners, etc.
• Teach them Islaam and relate to them the stories of the Prophets and companions.

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One of the most rewarding things in this life is a happy marriage. Achieving the right marital balance takes a lot of hard work and commitment from both the husband and wife. As a Muslim wife, you can reap innumerable benefits by actively cultivating bliss in your marriage. The first benefit is that you will please Allah. Secondly, you will find a more loving and attentive audience with your spouse. There are several ways that you as a wife can create bliss in your marriage:

Prioritize- Put your marriage first above all other things (other than the deen). By doing so, you will find that other parts of your life will be easier to put in place. Marriage serves as a foundation from which we can draw strength and it makes other life goals easier to achieve.

“Learn about Islaam so you know what your obligation and duties are as a wife and also which rights your husband owes you,”

advises Umm Yusuf Sulaiman who is a stay-at-home mom to two boys in South Carolina.

Focus on the Good- It’s easy to focus on the negative aspects of a marriage especially when daily life can be so stressful. Try to focus on the positive,

“Be content with living within your means, don't berate your husband and complain about what other women have,”

says Umm Yusuf Sulaiman.

“And don't constantly complain about the small things he does wrong. Look for his good points.”

By focusing on the good points you will be more content with the man you married, which in turn will make him more content with you!

Be Kind - Kindness is one of the most precious gifts that a human being can give to another. 'Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet Muhammad (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Whenever kindness is in a thing it adorns it, and whenever it is removed from anything, it disfigures it." {footnote}Muslim{/footnote}

Being kind to your husband can work wonders for any marriage. And best of all, it’s contagious! Make a list of things you can do to show your own husband how much you care about him.

“I look into my husband’s likes and do them as best I can,”

says Halimah Bint David who is an author and mother of three in Virginia.

“I think it is best to find five or so things that your husband really enjoys and work to make yourself indispensable to him by doing them daily if possible as your routine.”

Halimah also recommends investigating your husband’s cultural background to find ways to please him.

“My husband is Cambodian and is a very big rice eater so I make sure I have lots of freshly cooked rice for him when he comes home,”

says Halimah.

“Also he is older and works physically so I massage him daily if possible.”

Halimah also always makes sure the house is clean and that the kids are in order before her husband comes home. There are so many ways you can use kindness as a tool to keep your marriage going strong. Get advice from other sisters and even use the Internet to keep your acts of kindness interesting and not mundane.

Show Appreciation- Husbands do carry a significant weight on their shoulders in terms of financially supporting their families. It is of paramount importance that you show your gratitude for all his efforts. He who does not thank the people, does not thank Allah as Halimah says,

“I do my best to thank my husband as much as possible whenever he gives any type of charity to me or the family or when he does something nice for me.”

Instill the values of gratefulness in your children and insist that they show gratitude to their father for even the minutest things. The appreciation your husband receives will let him know that all his efforts are seen and not falling by the wayside. The cycle of appreciation will continue in that your husband will be grateful for your admiration!

Redefine Your Marital Needs- Before you even got married, you should have set down clear expectations for you marriage with your Wali (guardian) who in turn would have talked with your prospective spouse. However, it is never too late to define, or redefine for that matter, your marital needs.

“Shared goals and values are of the utmost importance,”

says Malak Muhammad, who is a wife, mother and systems engineer from Morocco. Communication is the key to finding bliss in your marriage. If you are not happy in the marriage or are troubled by aspects of it, sit down with your spouse and talk about it. If need be, contact your Wali to act as a mediator to help resolve any outstanding issues. There is absolutely no reason why you should be an inactive or passive participant in your marriage. Grab your marriage by the ‘horns’ and exhaust all measures to ensure it succeeds.

Keep the Romance Alive- Marital romance, typically, is not the same romance as seen on TV or in the movies. In marriage, romance is quieter and sometimes hard to suss out.

“Have a realistic idea of what marriage and relationships are about,”

advises Malak Muhammad.

“Real love, true and lasting love is BUILT, developed over time and remains due to mutual respect.”

It is hard work keeping a marriage running let alone incorporating romance into the mix, but it is possible. So, your husband is not exactly ‘Prince Charming’ in a Dishdasha? Set the example by initiating acts of romance first. In time, he will learn from your example what romance is all about. And don’t be shy to tell him what things you would like for him to do to be more romantic. If you want a card or a poem every few months, tell him! You only get what you ask for.

Stop, Look and Listen- Daily life can be a veritable whirlwind of activities ranging from dropping the kids off to school, running errands, housework and a thousand other little tasks. In the endless blur of living, your marriage pays the price in that it is the last thing on the list to be cared for. Stop the insanity. Look for what areas of your marriage need work.

Listen to your spouse’s complaints about your marriage and take stock of your own complaints. Make time to fix the broken areas of your union to ensure it will stand the test of time. The Prophet Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "The relationship between one faithful believer and another is like the bricks of a wall, re-enforcing each other." While (saying that) the Prophet clasped his hands (together) by interlacing his fingers.”{footnote}al-Bukhari{/footnote}

Keeping An Eye On Anger- In any marriage, regardless of which spouse has more of a temper, anger represents fire. It can ‘burn’ your entire home and marriage right down to the ground.

“It is important to realize that every marriage has both good days and bad days. Know that the bad days will pass,”

says Malak.

In the heat of the moment, it is hard to step away from an argument. Especially if your spouse is saying inappropriate things to you and you just want to throw the verbal abuse back.

“Islam encourages us to be mindful of what we say and not to exceed boundaries in our speech.  This keeps us from the irreparable damage of saying things that cannot be taken back,”

says Malak. Represent ‘water’ in your marriage and walk away from each and every argument. Over time, you will find that your spouse will start walking away too, which is best until the anger cools down.

After angry feelings have dissipated, you can both talk about the issue is calm, levelheaded way. This will help you resolve differences peacefully.

Open Your Heart – Marriage truly is the journey of a lifetime. It will bring you great joys as well as a few sorrows along the way. Open your heart to the experience and shower your husband with all of the love in your heart.

“Talk to each other, have fun, and don’t be so serious,”

recommends Candice S. Abdelrahim who is a mom to 3 boys in Delaware.

“Say ‘I love you’ every day, make each day a happy day,”

she adds.

Once your heart is open you can really get to know your spouse and become his best friend.

“We like to have time that is just for us, such as waking early for Fajr and sitting together afterwards to share a coffee,”

says Malak.

“It is important not to let the ‘business’ of our lives edge out time spent together so we can really know one another and really talk as friends.”

It takes two to make any marriage work but by taking the initiative you can start paving a path to complete marital bliss and you can set your husband to work right by your side. Lay the first stone on your path by looking after yourself first.

“Honor yourself.  Take care of yourself physically and pay attention to your appearance,”

summates Malak,

“How can someone else love you if you don’t even look after yourself?”

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One of the qualities of the good Muslim wife is that she helps her husband to obey Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) in different ways, especially in waking him up to pray at night (qiyaam al-layl). By doing this, she does him an immense favor, because she reminds him to do something he might otherwise forget or neglect. Thus she causes him, and herself, to be covered by the mercy of Allah.

What a beautiful picture the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) drew of the married couple helping one another to obey Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) and do good deeds, and entering into the mercy of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) together. This comes in the hadeeth narrated by Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said, The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said,

‘May Allah have mercy on the man who gets up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face.

And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprink les water in his face.”

(Reported by Abu Dawud, 2/45, in Kitab al-salah: bab qiyam al-layl, and by al-Hakim 1/309, Kitab salah al-tatawwu'; he said that it is sahih according to the consitions of Muslim.)

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Marital love in Islaam inculcates the following:

Faith: The love Muslim spouses have for each other is for the sake of Allah (the Mighty) in order to gain His pleasure. It is from Allah (the Beneficent) that we claim our mutual rights (Quran 4:1) and it is to Allah that we are accountable for our behavior as husbands and wives.

It sustains: Love is not to consume but to sustain. Allah expresses His love for us by providing sustenance. To love in Islaam is to sustain our loved one physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, to the best of our ability (to sustain materially is the husbands duty, however if the wife wishes she can also contribute).

Accepts: To love someone is to accept them for who they are. It is selfishness to try and mould someone as we wish them to be. True love does not attempt to crush individuality or control personal differences, but is magnanimous and secure to accommodate differences.

Challenges: Love challenges us to be all we can, it encourages us to tap into our talents and takes pride in our achievements. To enable our loved one to realize their potential is the most rewarding experience.

Merciful: Mercy compels us to love and love compels us to have mercy. In the Islamic context the two are synonymous. Mercy in practical application means to have and show compassion and to be charitable.

Forgiving: Love is never too proud to seek forgiveness or too stingy to forgive. It is willing to let go of hurt and letdowns. Forgiveness allows us the opportunity to improve and correct ourselves.

Respect: To love is to respect and value the person, their contributions and their opinions. Respect does not allow us to take for granted our loved ones or to ignore their input. How we interact with our spouses reflects whether we respect them or not.

Confidentiality: Trust is the most essential ingredient of love. When trust is betrayed and confidentiality compromised, love loses its soul.

Caring: Love fosters a deep fondness that dictates caring and sharing in all that we do. The needs of our loved ones take precedence over our own.

Kindness: The Seerah (biography) of our beloved Prophet is rich with examples of acts of kindness which he showed towards his family. Even when his patience was tried, he was never unkind in word or deed. To love is to be kind.

Grows: Marital love is not static it grows and flourishes with each day of marital life. It requires work and commitment, and is nourished through faith when we are thankful and appreciative of Allah's (the Mighty) blessings.

Enhances: Love enhances our image and beautifies our world. It provides emotional security and physical well being.

Selflessness: Love gives unconditionally and protects dutifully.

Truthful: Love is honesty without cruelty and loyalty without compromise.

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The true Muslim woman should support her husband in his deen (religion) by encouraging him to spend and give charity for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), and not to waste money in extravagance and ostentatious purchases, as we see so many ignorant and misguided women doing.

The alert Muslim woman always wants goodness and success for her husband, so she urges him to do good deeds, and to do more of them, because she believes that by doing this, she will increase her honour in this world and her reward in the next.

One of the beautiful stories narrated about a woman’s encouraging her husband to spend for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) is the story of Umm al-Dahdah.

When her husband came to her and told her that he had given in charity the garden in which she and her children used to live, in hopes of receiving a bunch of dates in Paradise, she said,

“You have got a good deal, you have got a good deal.” (See Sahih Muslim, 8/33, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-lahd wa nasab al-laban 'ala'l-mayit.)

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) commented in amazement, “How many bunches of dates Abul-Dahdah will have in Paradise!” and he repeated this several times. (Reported by Ahmad and al-Tabarani; its narrators are rijal al-sahih. See also Majma' al-Zawa'id, 9/324, Kitab al-manaqib, bab ma ja'a fi Abil-Dahdah.)

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Allah (subhanhu wa ta'aalaa) says, "O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins…" (Qur'aan [49]: 12)

It is easy to forget how our actions and manners can have a tremendous impact on our spouses and loved ones, and also how many times our mind wandering suspiciousness can play a very negative role in our relationships.

Fatimah, a young woman of 31 years old, thrived on learning. She had attended college for three years after graduating from high school, but was unable to complete her last year due to financial constraints. However, she was finally able to finish her remaining credits over the past three years by taking a couple of classes at a time through a university that offered online classes.

Although she had officially graduated, she had not yet told her husband and family. The university was out of state, and she would not financially be able to attend the graduation ceremony in any case, so she thought the less known about the event the better. She did not want to place any further financial burdens on her family.

One afternoon, as Fatimah stood in the kitchen chopping vegetables preparing for dinner, her husband Mustafa entered the room, and then stopped and glared at her. Although he was standing behind her, she felt his eyes piercing into her. He had been working overtime hours at his job lately, and it seemed that he had developed a short fuse. Fatimah hesitated, and then continued chopping.

"Why are you so slow? Dinner should have been finished an hour ago."

She stood frozen as he continued,

"What is that you're making anyway?"

Fatimah spoke without turning toward him, not wanting the conversation to develop into an argument, "It is one of your favorites, Maklooba," He frowned,

"Again? You never seem to get that recipe right - not like my mother used to make it."

Then Mustafa walked into the other room to read the newspaper.

Fatimah, who had been holding her breath, let out a sigh of relief. She then walked quietly to the bathroom - turning the lock as she leaned on the door for support. Slowly turning, she was face to face with herself in the mirror. A lone tear began to roll down her cheek, "Oh Allah, I love him so much - why must he be so critical sometimes? His harsh words make me feel so terrible." She wept in silent solitude for a few moments. 

Then, once she had regained her composure, she went back to the kitchen to continue preparing the dinner. In the other room she faintly heard her husband speaking on the phone with someone, he sounded furious about something - but she could not make out any details. All she could understand from the one-sided conversation was that someone was going to have a talk with a supervisor and because of that, someone was going to lose his job. Concerned, she wondered if her husband might be in some trouble at work, but she did not think it wise to try to talk to him while he was so obviously upset.

Mustafa left the house immediately without a word to Fatimah. She sat on the couch bewildered about her husband's actions. What could be going on? What was he so upset about? Was he going to lose his job? 

An hour later Mustafa arrived home and walked into the kitchen where Fatimah was checking on the night's dinner - her back was turned to him.

"As-salaamu 'Alaykum",

he said as he entered. She replied, resisting to turn around so her eyes would give away her concerned and questioning expression. Again, she could feel his eyes piercing into her; and then he spoke,

"Fatimah, this has got to stop."

She looked up from the kitchen counter, gazing out the window briefly "What?" she said with annoyance, "What in the world are you talking about?" Then twirled around, ready to fight off any further criticism.

Mustafa stood in the kitchen holding an armful of yellow daisies; yellow was her favourite colour and daisies were her favourite flowers. She looked at him with confusion, "What is this? What is going on?" Mustafa walked towards her speaking softly,

"I know i've been harsh with you lately."

Fatimah's eyes softened, "Mustafa, why have you been so upset?"

Mustafa grabbed her hand and walked over and they sat down at the kitchen table together. He held her hand and continued,

"I know that you've never given up on me, even when I was hard to live with and I admire you for your patience, even through the toughest times. I have had a lot on my mind lately and some things have not worked out as I had hoped for them to. Forget about dinner tonight; let me take you out for dinner. I know of a new place that one of the brothers just opened up. Let's try it out, okay?"

Fatimah nodded in agreement, wiping away her tears.

Fatimah was surprised and excited. Because their finances had been so tight, it had been a while since the last time they had been able to afford a dinner at a restaurant. She put things away in the kitchen, placed her beautiful flowers into a vase, and then went to get dressed.  

During the entire trip to the restaurant Fatimah noticed how carefree and happy Mustafa suddenly seemed to be; it was a far cry from the attitude she had seen earlier in the day. Although his actions were confusing, she was sure about one thing, she was happy to see him smiling again. 

Once they arrived, he reached inside the restaurant ahead of her and then stuck his head out of the door, waving for her to hurry up. Fatimah laughed the silliness of his antics as she opened the door and was amazed at what she saw. She saw all of her family, except her mother and father gathered on both sides of the restaurant. 

On the back wall a huge banner hung that said, "Happy Graduation Fatimah - We Love You." Fatimah began to cry; all this time she had thought badly of her husband and all the while he was planning something so thoughtful for her. She was a little dazed and very embarrassed at her own misgivings. She turned to her husband and said, "May Allah reward you for your great kindness."

As she turned to go and sit with her aunts and closest friends, Mustafa turned her around,

"One more surprise, I received a promotion at work!"

Fatimah smiled at him, "Mashaa' Allah, Mustafa - you got a promotion! That is so wonderful."

Mustafa smiled back, and then frowned a little.

"I want you to know the reason I have been edgy lately. It is because I just haven't had enough sleep. Over the past few weeks I took another part-time job after work so I could save up a little extra money in order to throw this party for you and so I could fly your parents in for this special day."

Fatimah looked around the room for her mother and father. Mustafa then lowered his head in disappointment and replied,

"Unfortunately, somehow the reservations got messed up. The conversation you heard was with the reservation guy who messed up the flight."

Fatimah stumbled over her own words, "Oh Mustafa! Mashaa' Allah, you have worked so hard. But, how did you know about my graduation? I didn't tell anyone." Mustafa smiled,

"I saw the letter the school sent you and I wanted to surprise you, but after the past few weeks I know that good news should never wait."

Fatimah shook her head in agreement, laughing through her tears of happiness. "Never again," she said, "Never again."

The point is this: we should never be hasty to make assumption about our loved ones or our fellow Muslims for that matter - even in the worst of times. Allah warns us not to be suspicious of one another, and that is because in suspicion there is always more harm than good. Our marriage is the most important relationship we have in our adult life; it is the relationship in which our families are created and our children learn form us. 

Because of the importance of our marriage, we should always first give our spouse the benefit of the doubt, look beyond the obvious for reasons of their unexplained or undesirable behaviour and try to find a remedy for it, rather than jump into suspicions and harshness toward one another. 

Allah tells us in the following verse that He has placed mercy between spouses. To clarify the meaning of that, we need only check the Merriam-Webster's dictionary and we find that the definition for mercy is this, "Compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender." This means that Allah knows we will offend one another, but it also means that we have to be brave enough to show our spouses compassion - even when they offend us…not just when things are going great.

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.

Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." (Al-Qur'aan [30:] 21.)

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The Muslim woman does not only make herself beautiful for her husband and share his work and pastimes, but she also tries to create an atmosphere of peace and tranquillity in the home. This she does by trying to keep a clean and tidy home, in which he will see order and good taste, and clean, well-mannered, polite children, and where good meals are prepared regularly. The clever woman also does whatever else she can based on her knowledge and good taste. All of this is part of being a good Muslim wife as enjoined by Islaam.

The true Muslim woman does not forget that according to Islaam marriage is one of the signs of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa). Islaam has made the wife a source of tranquillity, rest and consolation for her husband,

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] . . ." (Qur’aan 30:21)

Marriage is the deepest of bonds which Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) ties between one soul and another, so that they may enjoy peace, tranquillity, stability and permitted pleasures.

The wife is a source of refuge, security and rest for her husband in a home that is filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy. The truly guided Muslim woman is the best one to understand this lofty meaning and to translate it into a pleasant and cheerful reality.

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The Muslim woman is tolerant and forgiving, overlooking any errors on the part of her husband. She does not bear a grudge against him for such errors or remind him about them every so often.

There is no quality that will endear her to her husband like the quality of tolerance and forgiveness, and there is nothing that will turn her husband against her like resentment, counting faults and reminding him about his mistakes.

The Muslim woman who is  following the guidance of Islam obeys the command of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa),

“. . . Let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah should forgive you?. . .” (Qur’aan 24:22,)

Such a woman deserves to be the queen of her husband’s heart and to fill his soul with joy and happiness.

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In the West women dress with looks to kill outside the home and save the sweats and t-shirts for inside. Most women will look very beautiful while going outside of the house, but look like a slob inside the house.

One of them spends at least an hour taking a shower in the morning, putting on makeup, fixing her hair, and making sure she will look snazzy and smell pleasant when she steps out the door.

When this sweetly scented woman steps back in the door, off goes the mini-skirt and tight sporty jacket. The make-up is removed and on goes the sweats. When the husband steps in the door he is greeted with complaints and gets to fix his eyes on raggedy clothes and a tired worn out face. 

What husband wants to come home to this scenario when he can stay outside and look at thousands of beautiful women that are flaunting their goods?!

Some Muslim women have fallen into the same habit the non-Muslim women make. How long do they take to make sure they have the perfect colour scarf to match with the pink furry sweater they may wear that day. How often have they found themselves trying to find the perfect pumps to wear with that new jilbaab? How many times have we seen a Muslim woman with perfectly plucked eyebrows and beautiful bright red lipstick with her hijaab accenting her face?

Why is it that we see our Muslim sister hurrying to get home from a gathering with her friends, her husband following shortly behind. Dinner is not ready, and jeans and a t-shirt lie beneath the jilbaab to greet her tired husband. The kids are filthy and have not had a nap. What does she say, but:

‘Oh, honey I'm sorry I talked too long, I guess tuna fish sandwiches and Campbell's soup will have to do for now...’

Why is it dear sister, that you do not try hard to enchant your husband and catch his eye. All it takes is coming home a few hours earlier and preparing the house and putting on some nice clothes. Why not spray a little perfume and dab on a little makeup. Why not make sure there is dinner prepared or something is in the oven which will be ready shortly after your husband arrives? Why is it dear sister, you greet your husband with kitchen clothes and worn out eyes?

Next time, try a little surprise. Make your husband light up when he walks in the door. Wear something nice to catch his eye and say something nice to soften his heart. Make sure your house is clean and your children neat and appealing.

Why not dear sister? Work hard to captivate him, as Allah knows best that he works his hardest to take care of you and your children.

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One of the ways in which the Muslim woman makes herself attractive to her husband is by being happy, cheerful, friendly and gentle, thus flooding her husband’s life with joy. When he comes home exhausted from his work, she greets him with a smiling face and kind words.

She puts her own concerns to one side for a while, and helps him to forget some of his worries. She appears as cheerful and serene as she can, and expresses her gratitude to him every time he does something good for her.

The true Muslim woman is fair-minded, and is never ungrateful to any person, because the teachings of her religion protect her from falling into the error of bad behaviour and ingratitude for favours. How then could she be ungrateful to her husband, her beloved lifelong companion?

She knows well the teaching of the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him),

“He does not thank Allah who does not thank people.” (Reported by Al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/310, Bab man la yashkur al-nas.)

She understands from this that every person who does good deeds and favours deserves thanks and recognition, so how could she hesitate or fail to show gratitude to her husband, especially when she hears the following words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), “Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) will not look at the woman who does not thank her husband at the time when she cannot do without him.” (Reported by al-Haakim in al-Mustadrak, 2/190, Kitaab an-Nikaah; he said it is a hadeeth whose isnaad is saheeh.)

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Although this article was written primarly for brothers, it also serves as a good reminder for sisters as to what a good Muslim wife should be like.

When I started looking for a wife, my only intention was to find a Muslim woman who could help me become a better Muslim. After praying to Allah (the Mighty) many times, I came to know of a Muslim brother in my area who had an unwed sister. I was told that she was seven years older than I was, had no college education, and had minor health problems. Despite this, I arranged for a meeting to discuss the possibility of marriage.

When I met her, I was impressed by her modesty (she wore a real hijab that covered everything but her face). She was not attractive, nor was she rich. However, at the conclusion of our meeting, I felt comfortable with the fact that she was what I was looking for. After praying Istikhaarah, I felt confident that she was right for me. Our Nikaah (marriage) was performed only a few weeks later.

Oh yeah, this was a Muslim wedding - the kind where the men sit separate from the women; we didn't have disco music or belly dancers or any other kind of un-Islamic stuff. There might have been one brother who was NOT wearing Sunnah. We spent most of the time praying, praising Allah, discussing what a great blessing the responsibility of marriage was, etc. I think the total cost of the wedding might have been around US $20.00 (we held it in my brother-in-law's apartment). I had the time of my life!!!

Despite the fact that she is very stubborn and argumentative, she is one of the best Muslim women a man could ask for. And I am NOT talking about the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night for tahajjud, the way she covers her face in public, the way she investigates every action that I do, the way she will stop talking to me if I don't read the Qur'aan or go to the Masjid every day. I am speaking about her fear of Allah and love for the Prophet Muhammed (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

Not bad for a woman some people called ugly, who has no college education or money.

I wouldn't trade this woman for anything in the world.

Many times when the discussion of marriage arises, I will hear one brother after another discussing how beautiful and educated they want their dream wives to be. Others will talk of love or family racial pride.

Fools... (with all due respect).

In case some of you are confused as to why I am mentioning all of this, let me tell you what I know and came to realise (straight up)...

A PIOUS WIFE IS YOUR STRONGEST DEFENSE AGAINST SHAYTAAN

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The true Muslim woman avoids looking at men other than her husband; she does not stare at men who are not related to her (i.e. who are not her mahrams), in obedience to the command of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa),

“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze . . .” (Qur’aan 24:31.)

By refraining from looking at other men, she will be one of those chaste women who restrain their glances, which is a quality men like in women, because it is indicative of their purity, decency and fidelity.

This is one of the most beautiful characteristics of the chaste, decent, pure Muslim woman, and this was referred to in the Qur’aan when it speaks of the women of Paradise and their qualities that are loved by men,

“In them will be [Maidens] chaste, restraining their glances, whom no man or jinn before them has touched.” (Qur’aan 55:56.)

*Recommended article: Eyes Unlike Any Other.

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One of the laws that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) has decreed for this life is that men and women should work together to cultivate and populate the earth and run the affairs of life therein. Man cannot do without woman, and vice versa. Hence the laws of Islaam teach men and women to co-operate in all matters. Islam encourages a man to help his wife, as much as he is able; the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), who is the example for all Muslims, used to help and serve his family until he went out to pray, as the Mother of the Believers ‘Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with him) said.

Just as Islaam expects a man to help his wife with housework and running household affairs, so is the woman also expected to help him in dealing with the outside world and to play her role in life by offering her opinions and advice, and supporting him in practical terms.

History tells us that Muslim women engaged in jihaad side by side with men, marching to war with them, bringing water to the thirsty, tending the wounded, setting broken bones, stemming the flow of blood, encouraging the soldiers, and sometimes joining in the actual fighting, running back and forth between the swords and spears, standing firm when even some of the most brave men had fled. Their courageous conduct in battle was praised by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

However, women’s contribution to public life did not stop on the battlefield; women also stood side-by-side with men at times of peace, offering their valuable opinions, soothing their hearts at times of stress and supporting them during times of hardship.

History has recorded many names of great Muslim men who used to seek and follow the advice of their wives, foremost among whom is the Prophet himself (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), who sometimes followed the advice of Khadijah, Umm Salamah, ‘Aa'ishah and others among his wives.

‘Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr used to follow the advice of his mother Asmaa’, al-Waleed ibn ‘Abd al-Malik used to follow the advice of his wife Umm al-Banin bint ‘Abd al-‘Aziz ibn Marwan, and Harun al-Rashid used to follow the advice of his wife Zubaydah, and there are many other such examples in the history of Islam.

The true, sincere Muslim woman understands the heavy burden that Islaam has placed on her shoulders, by obliging her to be a good wife to her husband, to surround him with care and meet his every need, to give him enjoyment, and to renew his energy so that he may fulfill his mission in life. So she does not withhold her advice when she sees that he needs it, and she never hesitates to stand by his side, encouraging him, supporting him and offering advice and consolation.

The first Muslim woman, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid is the best example of a woman who influenced her husband. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) came to her on the day of the first Revelation, anxious, trembling and shaking all over. He told her, “Cover me, cover me!” She hastened to offer her help and support, advising him and thinking of a practical way of helping him. Al-Bukhaari and Muslim report the story told by ‘A’ishah of how the Revelation commenced, and the marvelous way in which Khadijah responded by supporting her husband,

“The Revelation started in the form of a dream that came true, he never saw a dream but it would clearly come to pass. Then he was made to like seclusion, so he would go and stay alone in the cave of Hira’, praying and worshipping for many nights at a time, before coming back to his family to collect supplies for another period of seclusion. Then the truth came suddenly, when he was in the cave of Hira’. The angel came to him and said ‘Read!’ He said, ‘I am not a reader.’ [The Prophet (saws) said:] ‘The angel embraced me and squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me, and said, ‘Read!’ I said, ‘I am not a reader.’ The angels embraced me a second time, squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said, ‘Read!’ I said, ‘I am not a reader.’ The angel embraced me a third time and squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said:"Read! In the name of your Lord and Cherisher, who created - created man, out of a [mere] clot of congealed blood: Read! And your Lord is Most Bountiful - He Who taught [the use of] the Pen - taught man that which he knew not." (Qur’aan 96:1-5.)

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) came back to Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), trembling all over, and said, “Cover me, cover me!” They covered him up until he calmed down, then he said to Khadijah, “O Khadijah, what is wrong with me?” He told her what had happened, then said, “I fear for myself.”

Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) said,

“No, rather be of good cheer, for by Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), Allah  would never forsake you. By Allah, you uphold the ties of kinship, speak the truth, spend money on the needy, give money to the penniles,s honor your guests and help those beset by difficulties."

She took him to Waraqah ibn Nawfal ibn Asad ibn ‘Abd al-‘Uzza, who was her cousin the son of her father’s brother. He was a man who had become a Christian during the time of Jaahiliyyah (before the advent of the Prophet, peace be upon him); he could write the Arabic script and he had written as much of the Gospel in Arabic as Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) willed. He was an old man who had become blind. Khadijah said to him,

“O Uncle, listen to your nephew.”

Waraqah ibn Nawfal said, “O son of my brother, what has happened?” The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) told him what had happened, and Waraqah said to him,

“This is an-Naamus (i.e., Jibril), who was sent down to Musa, upon whom be peace. I wish that I were a young man, and could be alive when your people cast you out.”

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked, “Will they really cast me out?” Waraqah said, “Yes. No man has ever come with what you have brought, but his people were hostile towards him. If I live to see that day I will give you all the support I can.” (Fath al-Bari, 1/23, Kitab bad' al-wahy, bab hadith 'A'ishah awwal ma bada'a bihi al-wahy; Sahih Muslim, 2/197, Kitab al-iman, bab bad' al-wahy.)

This report is strong evidence of Khadijah’s (may Allah be pleased with her) wifely perfection, wisdom, strength of character, steadfastness, understanding and deep insight. She knew the Prophet’s outstanding character, good conduct and purity of heart, and this made her certain that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) would never forsake a man such as Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) or permit any bad fate to befall him. She knew that behind this remarkable new event that had overwhelmed the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) lay something great that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) had prepared for His Messenger. Therefore she spoke her kind and sweet words of encouragement, filling him with confidence, tranquility and firm conviction,

“Be of good cheer, O cousin, and stand firm. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Khadijah, I hope that you will be the Prophet of this nation.” (Al-Sirah, 1/254.)

Then it was that she took him to her cousin Waraqah ibn Nawfal, who had knowledge of the Torah and Gospel, and told him what had happened to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). The first Mother of the Believers, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), was a sincere adviser in the way of Islaam to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). She had already earned the great status and lasting fame of being the first person to believe in Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) and His Messenger, and she stood beside her husband  - the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), supporting him and helping him to bear the worst oppression and persecution that he faced at the beginning of his mission; she endured along with him every hardship and difficulty that he was confronted with.

Ibn Hishama says in the Seerah of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) that he wrote,

“Khadijah had faith, and believed in what he brought from Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa). In this way, Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa) helped His Prophet. Whenever he heard any hateful words of rejection or disbelief that upset him, Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) would cause his spirits to be lifted when he came back to her. She encouraged him to be patient, believed in him, and made it easier for him to bear whatever the people said or did. May Allah have mercy on her.” (Ibid., 1/257.)

She was a woman who always spoke the truth, and carried this burden sincerely. It is no surprise that she earned the pleasure of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) and deserved to be honored by Him. Allah (the Mighty and Glorious) conveyed the greeting of Salaam to her through His Messengers Jibreel and Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and gave her glad tidings of a house in Paradise, as is stated in the hadeeth narrated by Abu Hurayrah, “Jibril came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said,

‘O Messenger of Allah, Khadijah is coming to you with vessels containing food and drink. When she comes to you, convey to her the greeting of Salaam from her Lord and from me, and give her the glad tidings of a house of pearls in Paradise, in which there is no noise or hard work.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim. See Sharh al-Sunnah, 14/155, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab manaqib Khadijah.)

The true Muslim woman puts her mind to good work, thinks hard and gives advice to her husband at times when he may be most in need of advice. By doing so, she does a great favor for her husband, and this is one of the ways in which she may treat him well.

Another of these great stories which feature correct advice given by a woman is the reaction of the Muslims to the treaty of al-Hudaybiyyah, and Umm Salamah’s reaction, which demonstrated her deep insight and great wisdom.

Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) was one of those who was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) when he went to Makkah to perform ‘Umrah in 6 AH. This is the journey that was interrupted by Quraysh, who prevented the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and his Companions from reaching the Ka'bah. Instead, the treaty of al-Hudaybiyyah was drawn up between the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and the Quraysh.

This was a peace-treaty which was intended to put an end to the fighting for ten years; it was also agreed that if anyone from Quraysh came to Muhammad without the permission of his guardian, he would be returned, but if any of the Muslims came to Quraysh, he would not be returned, and that the Muslims would go back that year without entering Makkah. By virtue of his deep understanding that was derived from the guidance of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), the Prophet  understood that this treaty, which appeared to be quite unfair to the Muslims, was in fact something good and represented a great victory for Islaam and the Muslims.

The Sahaabah, however, were dismayed when they learnt the content of the treaty. They saw it as unfair and unjust, especially as they had the upper hand at that time. ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab expressed the angry feelings of the Sahaabah when he went to Abu Bakr and asked him: “Is he not the Messenger of Allah?” Abu Bakr said, “Of course.” “Are we not Muslims?”“Yes.” “Are they not mushrikeen (the polytheists)?” “Yes.” “Why should we accept this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?” Abu Bakr warned him, “O ‘Umar, follow his orders. I bear witness that he is the Messenger of Allah.” Umar said, “And I bear witness that he is the Messenger of Allah.” Then ‘Umar went to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and asked him questions similar to those he had asked Abu Bakr. But when he asked, “Why should we accept this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?” the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) replied, “I am the servant of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) and His Messenger; I will never disobey His command, and He will never forsake me.” (Al-Sirah, 3/331; see also Fath al-Bari, 6/281, Kitab al-jizyah wa'l-mawadi'ah, bab hadith Sahl ibn Hanif; Sahih Muslim, 12/141, Kitab al-jihad wa'l-siyar, bab sulh al-Hudaybiyah.)

Then ‘Umar realized that his haste to oppose the treaty was a mistake. He used to say, “I kept giving charity, fasting, praying and freeing slaves because of what I had done and said on that day, until I hoped that ultimately it would be good for me (because it made me perform so many good deeds).” (Al-Sirah 3/33.)

When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) had ratified the treaty, he commanded his Companions to get up, slaughter their sacrificial animals, and shave their heads, but none of them got up. (The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was telling his Companions to end the state of ihraam which they had entered in order to perform 'Umrah. They had been prevented from entering Makkah, and were to wait until the following year to perform 'Umrah, but they did not want to abandon their hope of performing 'Umrah on this occasion. They did not want to accept the deal that had been struck with the Quraysh, hence they were reluctant to end their ihraam.)

He told them three times to do this, but not one of them responded. He went to his wife Umm Salamah, and told her what he was facing from the people. At this point the wisdom and intelligence of Umm Salamah become quite clear. She told him,

“O Messenger of Allah, go out and do not speak to any of them until you have sacrificed your animal and shaved your head.”

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) took her advice, and did as she suggested. When the Sahaabah saw that, they rushed to sacrifice their animals, pushing one another aside, and some of them began to shave one another’s heads, until they were almost fighting with one another because of their distress and grief, and their regret for having disobeyed the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). (Zad al-Ma'ad, 3:295, al-Tabari, 2/124.)

After that, the Muslims came back to their senses, and they understood the Prophet’s great wisdom in agreeing to this treaty, which in fact was a manifest victory, because many more people entered Islaam after it than ever before. In Sahih Muslim it states that the verse, “Verily We have granted you a manifest Victory.” (Qur’aan 48:1) referred to the treaty of al-Hudaybiyyah. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) sent for ‘Umar and recited this verse to him. ‘Umar said, “O Messenger of Allah, it is really a victory?” He said, “Yes,” so then ‘Umar felt at peace. (Sahih Muslim, 12/141, Kitab al-jihad wa'l-siyar, bab sulh al-Hudaybiyah.)

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The clever and sensitive Muslim woman does not forget that one of the greatest deeds she can do in life, after worshipping Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), is to be successful in endearing herself to her husband and filling his heart with joy, so that he will feel in the depths of his heart that he is happy to be married to her, and enjoys living with her and being in her company.

Therefore, she uses her intelligence to find ways, method and means of opening his heart and filling it with joy and happiness, so that she may become the queen of his heart. She understands that she is the greatest joy for a man in this world, as is stated in the hadeeth narrated by ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allah be pleased with him), in which the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “This world is nothing but temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this world is a righteous woman.” (Sahih Muslim, 10/56, Kitab al-rida', bab istihbab nikh al-bikr.)

She does not forget that she is the greatest joy in this life for a man, if she knows how to endear herself to him. If she does not know how to endear herself to him then in most cases she will be a source of unhappiness and misery to her husband, as was confirmed by the Prophet (may the peace and blessiings of Allah be upon him),

“Three things make the son of Adam happy, and three make him miserable. Among the things that make the son of Adam happy are a good wife, a good home and a good means of transport; the things that make him miserable are a bad wife, a bad home and a bad means of transport.” (Reported by Ahmad, 1/168; its narrators are rijal al-sahih.)

Hence being a good wife, and endearing oneself to one’s husband, is apart of religion as this offers protection to a man by helping him to remain chaste, and strengthens the foundations of the family, thus bringing happiness to her husband and children.

The Muslim woman by nature likes to endear herself to her husband; in doing so she finds a way of fulfilling her femininity and her inclinations to make herself attractive. But for the Muslim woman, the matter goes even further: in seeking to win her husband’s heart, she is also seeking to earn the pleasure of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), Who has made being a good wife a part of religion, about which she will be questioned in the Hereafter. So she does not spare any effort in her loving treatment of her husband.

She presents a pleasing appearance, speaks pleasantly and kindly, and is a clever, likeable and loved companion.

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The chaste Muslim woman does not disclose her husband’s secrets, and does not talk to anyone about whatever secrets and other matters which may be between him and her. The serious Muslim woman is above that; she would never sink to the level of such cheap and shameless talk as goes on amongst the lowest type of people. Her time is too precious to be wasted in such vulgar behavior. She would never accept for herself to be counted as one of those people whom the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) described as one of the worst types,

“Among the worst type of people in the sight of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) on the Day of Judgment is a man who enjoys his wife’s intimate company, and she enjoys his intimate company, then one of them goes and discloses the secret of the other.” (Saheeh Muslim, 10/8.)

Talking about that which is private between a husband and wife is one of the most abhorrent ways of disclosing secrets. No one does such a thing but the worst type of people. There are some secrets the disclosure of which is not as bad as disclosing this secret, but in any case, telling secrets at all is disliked and unacceptable. Keeping secrets in itself is a worthy and virtuous deed, whilst disclosing them is a serious error and shortcoming.

The disclosure of a secret that the Prophet had entrusted to Hafsah, who told it to ‘Aa'ishah, led to the plotting and intrigue in his household that caused him to keep away from his wives for a whole month because he was so upset with them. The story of the Prophet's keeping way from his wives is narrated by al-Al-Bukhaari, Muslim and others. Concerning this, the following verse was revealed, "When the Prophet disclosed a matter of confidence to one of his consorts, and she then divulged it [to another], and Allah made it known to him, he confirmed part thereof and repudiated a part. Then when he told her thereof, she said, ‘Who told you this?’ He said, ‘He told me Who knows and is well-acquainted [with all things]." (Qur’aan [[66]:3) The two women concerned are then confronted with their error, and called to repent, so that they might draw closer to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) after having distanced themselves by their deed, otherwise Allah would be his (the Prophet’s) Protector, and Jibreel and the righteous believers would also support him, "If you two turn in repentance to Him, your hearts are indeed so inclined; but if you back up each other against him, truly Allah is his Protector, and Gabriel, and [every] righteous one among those who believe - and furthermore, the angels - will back [him] up." (Qur’aan [66]:4)

Then they are issued with a stern warning and the terrifying prospect that if they persist in their error, they may lose the honor of being the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), "It may be, if he divorced you [all], that Allah will give him in exchange Consorts better than you - who submit [their wills], who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship [in humility], who travel [for Faith] and fast – previously married or virgins." (Qur’aan [66]:5)

This incident presents a valuable lesson to the Muslim woman on the importance of keeping her husband’s secret, and the effect this confidentiality has on the stability of the individual and the home. One of the greatest blessings that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) has bestowed on the Muslims in particular, and on mankind in general, is that he has made the public and private life of His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) like an open book, in which can be read the teachings of this ‘Aqeedah and its practical application in real life. Nothing is secret or hidden; matters and events that people usually keep secret are discussed openly in the Qur'aan and Sunnah, even unavoidable human weaknesses. All of these issues are presented in order to teach people right from wrong.

The Sahaabah, may Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) be pleased with them, understood that the Prophet’s life was entirely devoted to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), aswell as His message. That is why they did not keep secret or conceal any aspect of his life. The stories that have been narrated about his life, his household and his wives represent a practical application of the words he preached, and for this reason, the Sahaabah (may Allah reward them with all good) transmitted the most precise details of his life, and did not fail to record any aspect of his daily life, whether it was major or minor. This is part of the way in which Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) caused the life of his Prophet to be preserved and recorded, including details of the precise way in which Islamic teachings were applied in his life. This is in addition to the Qur’aanic references to the Prophet’s (peace and blessings be upon him) life, which form a record that will remain until heaven and earth pass away.

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Among the most prominent characteristics of the Muslim woman is her strength of character, mature way of thinking, and serious conduct. These are qualities which the Muslim woman possesses both before and after marriage, because they are the result of her understanding of Islaam and her awareness of her mission in life.

She exhibits this strength of character when she is choosing a husband. She does not give way to her father’s whims if he has deviated from the right way and is seeking to force her into a marriage that she does not want. Neither does she give in to the man who comes to seek her hand in marriage, no matter how rich or powerful he may be, if he does not have the qualities of a good Muslim husband.

After marriage, her character remains strong, even though she is distinguished by her easy-going nature, mild-tempered behavior and loving obedience to her husband. Her strength of character comes to the fore especially when she has to take a stand in matters concerning her religion and ‘Aqeedah (Islamic Creed), such as Umm Sulaym bint Milhan (may Allah be pleased with her), who insisted on adhering to Islaam along with her son Anas, although her husband Maalik ibn al-Nadhar remained a Mushrik (polytheist), opposed to his wife becoming and being a Muslim. There was also Umm Habeebah bint Abi Sufyaan who remained steadfast in her Islaam when her husband ‘Ubaydullah ibn Jahsh al-Asadi became an apostate and joined the religion of the Abyssinians. Barirah, another female Companion, was determined to separate from her husband whom she did not love, even though the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) tried to intervene on his behalf. The wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, also demanded a divorce from her husband whom she did not love and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) accepted her request.

The primary motive of these women in taking up such a strong stance was their concern to adhere to Islaam, to keep their belief (‘Aqeedah) pure, and ultimately to please Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa). Each of them was seeking that which is halaal (permissable) in her married life, and feared committing any haraam (impermissable) deed, either because she was married to a man who did not share her religious beliefs, or she was falling short in her duties towards a husband whom she did not love or could not live with. If it were not for their strength of character and feelings of pride in themselves and their faith, they would have followed the commands of the misguided husbands and would have found themselves going astray, choking on the misery of living with a husband they could not truly accept. The courage of these women shows how the true Muslim women should be, no matter where or in what time she lives in.

But the Muslim woman’s strength of character should not make her forget that she is required to obey her husband, treating him with honor and respect. Her strength of character should make her strike a wise balance in the way she speaks and acts towards him, with no inconsistency or carelessness. Even in those moments of anger which are unavoidable in a marriage, she should control herself and restrain her tongue, lest she says anything that could hurt her husband’s feelings. This is the quality of a strong, balanced character.

‘Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) represents the highest example of this good quality and every Muslim woman should follow her example. The way in which she swore an oath when she was happy with her husband, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), was different from the way she spoke when she did so when she was upset with him. This is an example of good manners and respect. It was something that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) noticed, as she narrated that he said,

“I know when you are happy with me and when you are upset with me.” She said, “How do you know that?” He said, “When you are happy with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ and when you are upset with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.’” She said,

“Yes, that is right. By Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), O Messenger of Allah! I only keep away from your name.” (See Sahih Muslim, 15/203, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm al-Mu'minin 'A'ishah.)

What refined manners and sincere love!

‘Aa'ishah’s strength of character became even more prominent when she was tried with the slander (al-Ifk) which Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) made a test for His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and for all the Ummah, raising the status of some and lowering that of others, increasing the faith of those who were guided and increasing the loss of those who went astray.

Her strength of character and deep faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) became apparent, and her trust in Him alone to prove her innocence was quite clear. I can find no more beautiful description of the deep and sincere faith of ‘Aa'ishah and her trust in the justice of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), than that given by Imaam Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah, who said,

“The test was so severe that the Revelation ceased for a month because of it, and nothing at all concerning this issue was revealed to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) during that time, so that the wisdom behind what had happened might become completely apparent and the sincere believers might be increased in faith and adherence to justice and might think well of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), His Messenger, the Messenger’s family and those believers who spoke the truth.

The Munaafiqoon (hypocrites), meanwhile would be increased only in sins and hypocrisy, and their true nature would be exposed to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and the believers. ‘Aa'ishah, the one who had spoken the truth, and her parents would be shown to be true servants of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) who had received His full blessing. Their need for Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) and desire to draw closer to Him would increase; they would feel humble before Him and would put their hope and trust in Him, instead of hoping for the support of other people. ‘Aa'ishah would despair of receiving help from any created being, and she passed this most difficult test when her father said, ‘Get up and thank him,’ after Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) had sent down a Revelation confirming her innocence. She said,

‘By Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), I will not get up and thank him; I will only give thanks to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) Who has revealed my innocence.’

Another aspect of the wisdom behind the Revelation being suspended for a month was that people would focus solely on this issue and examine it closely; the believers would wait with eager anticipation to hear what Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) would reveal to His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) concerning this matter. The Revelation came like rain on parched land, when it was most needed by the Messenger of Allah and his family, by Abu Bakr and his family, by the Sahaabah (Companions) and by the believers, and it brought them great relief and joy. If Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) had revealed the truth of the matter from the first instant, then the wisdom behind this event would have been obscured and a great lesson would have been lost.

Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) wanted to demonstrate the status of His Prophet and his family in His sight, and the honor which He had bestowed upon them. He Himself was to defend His Messenger and rebuke his enemies, in such a way that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) had nothing to do with it. Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) alone would avenge His Prophet and his family.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was the target of this slander, and the one who was accused was his wife. It was not appropriate for him to declare her innocence, although he knew that she was indeed innocent, and never thought otherwise. When he asked people to avenge him of those who had spread the slander, he said, ‘Who could blame me if I were to punish those who slandered my family? By Allah, I have never known anything but good from my family, and they have told me about a man from whom I have never known anything but good, and he never came in my house except with me.’ He had more proof than the believers did of ‘Aa'ishah’s innocence, but because of his high level of patience, perseverance and deep trust in Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), he acted in the appropriate manner until the Revelation came that made his heart rejoice and raised his status, showing to his Ummah (nation) that Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) was taking care of him.

Whoever examines ‘Aa'ishah’s response, when her father told her to get up and thank the Messenger of Allah, and she said,

‘No, I will give thanks only to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa)...’

will realize the extent of her knowledge and the depth of her faith. She attributed this blessing to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) alone, and gave thanks only to Him. She had a sound grasp of Tawheed (Islaamic Monotheism), and demonstrated great strength of character and confidence in her innocence. She was not curious or anxious about the outcome when she spoke thus, because she was sure that she had done nothing wrong. Because of her faith in the Prophet’s love for her, she said what she said. She became even dearer to him when she said,

‘I will not give thanks except to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa), for He is the One Who has revealed my innocence.’

She displayed remarkable maturity and steadfastness when her beloved husband, whom she could not bear to be apart from, kept away from her for a month. Then when the matter was resolved and he wished to come back to her, she did not rush to him, despite her great love for him. This is the highest level of steadfastness and strength of character.” (Zad al-Ma'ad, 3/261-264.)

It is indeed the highest level of maturity and strength of character. The true Muslim woman is humble, kind, loving and obedient towards her husband, but she does not allow her character to weaken before him, even if he is the most beloved of all people towards her, and the most noble and honorable of all human beings, so long as she is in the right and is adhering to the way of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa). ‘Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) set the highest example of the strength of character of the Muslim woman who is proud of her religion and understands what it is to be a true servant of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) alone.

The Muslim woman shouldn't interpret ‘Aa'ishah’s attitude as an attitude of superiority or arrogance, pushing her husband away. Rather, the duties of the Muslim woman towards her husband is that she should have obedience, loving kindness and seek to please him, in accordance with Islamic teachings. What we learn from the attitude of ‘Aa'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) is the esteem and honor with which Islaam regards woman, so long as she adheres to the laws and teachings of Islaam. This is what gives her character strength, pride, honor and wisdom.

Islaam gives women rights and recognition which are envied by Western women; this has been freely admitted by women’s liberation activists in Arab countries. Many of them have retracted their claims that Muslim women need to be liberated; one such activist is Dr. Nawaal El-Saadawi, who was interviewed for the Kuwaiti newspaper al-Watan (mid-August 1989).

Dr. El-Saadawi was asked, “Do you think that the European women are an example to be copied?” She replied,

“No, not at all. European women have advanced in some fields, but are backward in others. The marriage laws in Europe oppress women, and this is what led to the development of women’s liberation movements in those countries and in America, where this movement is very strong and is even at times quite vicious.”

Then she remarked,

“Our religion of Islaam has given women more rights than any other religion has, and has guaranteed her honor and pride, but what has happened is that men have sometimes used certain aspects of this religion to create a patriarchal class system in which males dominate females.”

Clearly this patriarchal oppression mentioned by Dr. El Saadawi, which has led to the oppression of women, has been caused due to ignorance of the true teachings of Islaam.

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10. Use your 'Fitnah' to win the heart of your husband.
All women have the ornaments that Allah blessed them with. Use the beauty Allah ('azza wa jall) has bestowed you with to win the heart of your husband.

9. When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting.
Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom - what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him.

8. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-'Ayn and try to imitate them
The Qur'ana and Sunnah describe the women in Jannah with certain characteristics. Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc. Try it, wear silk for your husband, put Kohl in your eyes to 'enlarge' them, and sing to your husband.

6. Joke and play games with your husband.
A man's secret: they seek women who are light-hearted and have a sense of humor. As Rasoolullah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked Jaabir as to why he didn'y marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh.

5. Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does.
Then thank him again. This is one of the most important techniques, as the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire.

4. An argument is a fire in the house.
Extinguish it with a simple 'I'm sorry' even if it is not your fault.
When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, "Look, I'm sorry. Let's be friends."

3. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah.
Rasoolullah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah. So .. please him.

2. Listen and Obey!
Obeying your husband is Fardh (an obligation)! Your husband is the Ameer (head) of the household. Give him that right and respect.

1. Make Du'aa (supplication) to Allah to make your marriage and relationship successful.
All good things are from Allah. Never forget to ask Allah (ta'aalaa) for the blessing of having a successful marriage that begins in this world and continues on - by the Mercy of Allah (ta'aalaa) - into Jannah.

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Quite a few sisters have asked me in the past how I manage my time or structure my day to get the most out of the day, or to even get everything done. This is something I have been thinking about a lot recently as I experiment with ways to get things done at home and with my children.

Baby number five really pulled the rug out from under my feet and it took me a long time to get to grips with all that I have to do. I had to reset my family’s routines, re-think my approach to worship and revisit how I use the time management tools available to me. I also needed some inspiration and motivation, which can be half the battle sometimes.

I wanted to share some of the tools and techniques that have helped me to feel more productive and get more done in the coming weeks. But I believe in starting with first things first, so I’d like to share some resources and the thinking which really encouraged me to start trying to make the most of my time. The first is a quote from Imam Al Ghazali’s (may Allah have mercy on him) book ‘The Beginning of Guidance’:

“You should not neglect your time or use it haphazardly; on the contrary you should bring yourself to account, structure your litanies and other practices during each day and night, and assign to each period a fixed and specific function. This is how to bring out the spiritual blessing (baraka) in each period.

But if you leave yourself adrift, aimlessly wandering as cattle do, not knowing how to occupy yourself at every moment, your time will be lost. It is nothing other than your life, and your life is the capital that you make use of to reach perpetual felicity in the proximity of God the Exalted."

The second is a reminder from Hassan al Basri (may Allah have mercy on him): 

"O son of Adam! You are but a bundle of days. As each day passes away, a portion of you vanishes away."

Both are reminders of the value of time and the importance of planning how you intend to use the limited time you have been allotted.

My first approach was to try and do everything and diarise it into my day in detail – right down to meal times, nursing times, prayer times, with all of my chores, cooking and to-do list allocated time. Then I tried to squeeze in any hobbies, recreation, projects and just about everything I wanted to do. I very quickly realised that this wasn't realistic and trying to do everything is not the same as making the most of your time. It’s also a short cut to feeling as if you are running against the clock and feeling exhausted and burnt out from trying to do everything.

Instead I did two things. The first was to think about my priorities – which activities are most important and need to have the most time allocated to them? How many of these are genuinely as important as you make them? In the wider scheme of things will some of them even matter? Most importantly which can you let go of? In writing the answers to these questions, I realised that there were lots of things that people expected of me or that I had taken upon myself that I no longer wanted to do. It felt very liberating and empowering to make the choice to just stop doing some of these – for example minimising computer time, minimising trips to the supermarket or shopping centre and asking hubby to make smaller shops in between the main family one and not checking my e-mail every day.

This started to free up pockets of time but I didn't want to just squeeze in more things that I thought I should probably do. Instead I thought about how short life is and how many things we want to do but put off until another time, especially as Muslimah’s sometimes we have spiritual ambitions to gain religious knowledge, to improve our prayers or to develop our relationship with the Quran (i.e. through memorisation or trying to understand the meaning). But time passes and those ambitions remain as ambitions, lost in the busy-ness of housework and the demands of our family.

There is an exercise that self-help books and life coaches sometimes use. They ask you to imagine your ideal day in detail and create a vision of everything that would include – from the moment you wake up to the time you fall asleep.

I decided to ask myself what my dream life would look like. I am a day dreamer, so this wasn’t hard at all. The hardest part is sometimes putting aside your rational viewpoint that says, “no don’t include that, it’s not realistic” and really being honest about what the life you long for looks like.

Once I decided that this is what my dream life would be like, I reminded myself that we get one shot at each day, once it’s gone, it’s gone and that there is no day better to implement our plans than today. For me my ideal day was not about wearing amazing clothes and spending every day on the beach doing nothing. I want my ordinary, everyday life to be blessed and full of beauty, not run away from the life that I have because I am dissatisfied with it. 

My ideal life included all of the good intentions we have and never get round to fulfilling – reading Quran daily, memorising some surah’s, praying our nawafil and sunnah (non-obligatory) prayers alongside our fard (obligatory) ones each day. I decided that from the present day I would make these my priorities and start acting on them. This meant that the house would not be spotless, the kids would have to wait until you are done and there would be some things that wouldn't get done. I didn't care. I was tired of rushing my prayers or shortening them because I had to get dinner going or the babies were crying. The routine of my ideal day is built around my prayers at the beginning of their allotted time and with my full attention.

My ideal life also included eating properly, having breakfast, and making my meals look good as well as taste good. This means expanding the time I give to preparation before each meal and trying new things. Most importantly, no mobile phones or books when we are eating and we will all be sitting together.

Finally my perfect day would include spending some time doing something you love and which gives you immense joy. This one has made me think deeply about what leads to real gratification and satisfaction and why and this is one that I have promised myself I intend to explore every day.

Being clear on what your priorities are and what you would like your life to look like is the first step in planning your time.

If you are not clear on these you risk your days being full of activity but lacking in achievement or productivity. 

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Category: Raising Children

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Category: Raising Children

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Sharifah Mastura Al Jifri is an English reading and writing skills instructor at Prince Sultan University in Riyadh. She strives to be more than just a language instructor to her students, guiding them to think above and beyond their studies to achieve good in this world and the Hereafter.

I’d met the eldest daughter at law school: a Hafidhah who was fluent in English, Arabic and Malay, a bright student who’d studied 3 different syllabuses and was a remarkably disciplined girl for her age. When she told me all her other 7 siblings were or are becoming Huffaadh and were being educated and brought up like she was too, I couldn’t wait to meet their wonder mom.

When I first met their amazing mother Sharifah Mastura Al Jifri – a petite, serene Singaporean woman; and the rest of her beautiful children at their house; I knew I’d never seen an entire productive family like this one in my life, mashaAllah.

I finally had the pleasure of interviewing Sharifah Mastura to share her arduous yet highly and continuously rewarding parenting experience with the ProductiveMuslim readership. So here’s how she’s striving to raise 8 intelligent, God-conscious children:

1) Let’s begin by introducing our readers to the role your education played in bringing up your children. After your A-levels, you attended a two-year teacher training course specializing in early childhood education, after which you obtained a bachelors degree in English Literature and Linguistics from the UK. You later attended a two-day workshop based on Glen Doman’s work that was pivotal in inspiring you to bring up intelligent children. Briefly, what fundamental concepts and practices about raising intelligent children did you learn and apply in achieving your parenting goals?

Basically for me, it’s putting into practice two principles:

Stimulate your children

It’s never too early to stimulate your children’s mind, be it through listening to you talking and telling stories, reading books, counting biscuits, smelling onions while you’re cooking etc. Start from the time the child is in your womb because the foetus can hear. Talk to your child, from the time he’s a baby. Stimulate his senses by teaching him everything he can hear, see, smell, taste and touch in his surroundings. Arouse his curiosity and stimulate his mind also by placing educational material in front of him: books, counting beads, charts, good educational toys, and don’t stop. I must say, reading tops my list.

Occupy your children

I must admit that being trained as a pre-primary teacher has given me an advantage in knowing how to occupy my children. Even if you haven’t been trained, it’s not difficult to find ways in spending and investing time in your children. I started drawing for them and telling them the names of things from the time they were babies. Give them safe, non-toxic crayons to scribble and draw until they can move on to colour pencils. Don’t just pour the bucket of bricks for your children to play with by themselves. Rather, sit with them, build with them, encourage them to be imaginative and creative by being there to help them out when their fingers are stuck or when they can’t find the piece that might just fit the hole.

Sitting with your children and occupying them gives you precious bonding time. This is when you discover things about your child, his character, his potential. With this insight, you understand your child, you are better-equipped to mould his character, to stretch his mind and harness his talent. With this strong bonding cemented in their childhood, your children will always turn to you as they get older. You will always be the person to turn to when the bricks won’t stick together!

The Core Factor:

Although these were the two fundamental basis I applied as a result of my learning, I was also very conscious of the need to bring up children who are pious and god-fearing. Intelligence alone cannot guide a person to be good or moral, rather it can mislead or even destroy its possessor. So I would consider the above two points as my methodology, whilst the core of my upbringing is always to do whatever I can so that my children will acquire knowledge and taqwa. In order to do this, you need to give them the knowledge of the Qur’an, Arabic and the Deen. So, I made sure the baby in the womb hears a lot of Qur’an.

So the time I spent with my children is really when I talk to them and try to give them the love of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and His Book, the Prophets and his Companions and to teach them whatever I can of Islamic Aadaab (manners/etiquette).

2) You have 8 children of ages 12+ to 24+, each of whom were haafidh by the age of 13 or 14 MashaAllah! They have also all attended Arabic-medium schools while simultaneously being homeschooled by you in the Singapore and British curricula. What inspired you to have such an extraordinary vision for your children?

It wasn’t so much as having an extraordinary vision. Simply, my husband and I wanted our children to grow up knowing their deen and the Qur’an. In order to achieve this, the most obvious choice was to enroll them in the Tahfeedh school where they learn the Qur’an, the deen and everything else in Arabic. At the same time, we also wanted them to be able to benefit the Ummah. We wanted them to acquire skills and knowledge that will make them bright and useful Muslims. So my children started memorizing the Qur’an from the time they were two. At the same time they would also be starting pre-writing skills, love reading and being read to.

From here, the progression was quite natural, Alhamdulillah. By the time they went to school, they would have memorized a few juzu’ of the Qur’an and were able to read from the mushaf. They would have also learnt reading and writing Arabic numbers and letters at home. Naturally, all these gave them a head start although they didn’t know Arabic. As for the Singapore curriculum, by the time they started their Arabic school, they were already independent readers in English and competent in Grade 2 English and Maths.

Alhamdulillah, in this way I managed to achieve three things:

First, the headstart meant that I never had to worry about their progress in an Arabic school because I believe that being able to read from the mushaf and understanding numerical concepts mean that, all they had to do in the first year of school is pick up the language. They didn’t have to learn new concepts in a new language.

Secondly, I was able to keep up with the English curriculum because I only needed to build on their early foundation. It wasn’t always easy to keep up with the Singapore and British curriculum, with the progression of Arabic education and having more children. However, as long as they continued to read in English, I was able to pick up and progress from time to time, during school holidays usually. I have seen parents struggling to do this quite unsuccessfully because the children never had a foundation before attending Arabic school. The children continued doing hifdh at home at their own pace and the school lessons were regarded as a kind of revision. In this way, they memorized the Qur’an much earlier than the school programme.

And lastly, the work we put in before they started school meant that they were already used to learning and were able to focus. They also loved learning,

Here , I’d like to mention two important tips for those who are considering doing something similar:

First, work hard with your first child. Everything that you want to achieve in your children, do it with the first child. If you work hard with the first child, the second child will follow suit with half the work you had put into the first. How? While you’re working with the first, that little baby on your lap (your second), would have picked up everything that you’re teaching the first one and by the time you need to teach her, she would have already learnt them.

Second, make the Qur’an the centre of family life. You can’t expect the child to want to sit and learn his surah when dad’s watching TV and mummy’s browsing on her iPad. Without the love of the Qur’an exemplified in the parents, a young child will be even less attracted to sit and learn.

3) How did you and your children manage to do all of this simultaneously? What was their and your routine in a typical week?

Well, we’ll have to start with a typical day. From the time I had my first, my husband and I have always been fajr parents. Maybe it was the baby’s routine but our day begins at fajr.

It’s breakfast, showers and learning time from 6:30-11am. The key to this is multi-tasking. Depending on the children’s ages, my life is full of setting one child some writing at his desk, sending one to the shower, helping one to get dressed, reading a book to a little one while breastfeeding the baby. It’s an endless stream of running around until everyone’s had breakfast, showered and changed. When everyone’s ready, the children then sit to listen to me reading them a book they’ve chosen. They take turns to choose a book every day. Because of this, the children can’t wait to start work with mummy. Then they all do their portion of reading, writing, learning numbers, Qur’an and Iqraa’ and we always finish off with some exciting craft work. It might be painting, sticking or making things. The children would take turns to come to me for Qur’an, Iqraa and reading Peter and Jane (graded reader) while I monitor the rest in their maths or writing etc.

An additional tip is to make learning fun. The worksheet I created, be it writing letters or doing numbers is full of drawing, colouring, gluing and sticking. Art and craft is naturally incorporated into the worksheets, so they never felt that it was work or in any way tedious. They couldn’t wait to do work in the way they couldn’t wait to do cutting and sticking. So those who want to do the same should consider familiarizing themselves with chidren’s art and craft.

By 10:30 they’re usually hungry and ready for a break, so we would have our snack. Since they’ve been up from fajr and actively learning, they’re usually ready to take a nap after their snack. At this point, I take them to their bedroom.

They lay quietly and I read my Qur’an hifdh portion, while putting them to sleep at the same time. So this was how I struggled in trying to memorise the Qur’an while bringing up my eight children, mashaAllah. It was very slow but the benefit was that the children also learned my portion of the Qur’an and memorised them long before me! MashaAllah. This is also how I put them to sleep at night and whenever anyone needs comforting.
So this daily routine continued throughout in bringing up my eight children until they all eventually went to school. For me, it gave them a sense of routine.

I always believed that if you don’t occupy your children, they’ll occupy you! They’ll do things that annoy you or annoy each other. Weekends are free and easy. It’s usually a picnic in the desert or playing in the park.

4) What books and other resources have you found to be indispensable in:

• Making children memorize the Qur’an;
• Making children understand and learn Arabic;
• Being a visionary parent.

In all honesty, I have not read any specific books which guided me to being a visionary parent. All Tawfeeq and Fadhl are from Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and making dua. Just have the right kind of intentions and make dua. Allah ‘azza wa jal has the power to do all things.

One book that I did use and found indispensable was Iqraa’. It’s a book that comes in a series of six small books which teaches children how to read the Qur’an. The approach is very non-Arabic and child-friendly and I have since recommended it to all my friends. Through this, my children learn to read the Qur’an from the mushaf from a very early age which automatically gave them a greater independence in memorising the Qur’an and also in learning Arabic when they started Arabic school.

5) Children and their parents are normally occupied the entire day with having to attend school, complete homework, pack lunches, do school runs and other school-related tasks. How can parents bring out their child’s full potential without them and their children feeling more overwhelmed than they already are?

Once you have children and as the family grows, your stamina grows too, believe me. You’ll be able to stretch yourself in a way you never thought possible. This is what diligent and sincere parenting will do for you. Because of my desire to see my children memorise the Qur’an and do well in school, Allah ‘azza wa jal gave me the energy to occupy them, help them and teach them. As a mother, it was the air I breathed, so being tired is a natural state but Alhamdulillah, I never felt overwhelmed. The secret to this is learning the Qur’an. In the course of busily bringing up my eight children, I was also trying to memorise the Qur’an. The book of Allah was the one single source of calmness and strength.

As for the children, it’s important to make them understand why they have to do what we, as parents, make them do.

I always tell my children from the time they were little and working with me in Qur’an or writing that I want them to grow up to be bright and useful to the Ummah. This is the way to worship Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). As we need to have the correct intentions, so do our children. They’re never too young to understand that life is about doing things to please Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He).

The second thing is to teach them obedience to parents. If your child understands that obeying you is pleasing Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), then it is easier to get them to cooperate and do everything that they need to do. So once the children see that their day is busy with things that are pleasing to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and everything is rewarded, it gives them a true sense of purpose.

So it’s not a question of senseless slave-driving, which some families practice, all in the name of succeeding in studies and getting a good job. Worshipping Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) gives you strength and tawfeeq. The child’s potential will unfold itself, In sha Allah. I believe in this because this was what I found in my own experience.

I never gave my children any ambition when they were little except to memorise the Qur’an and to work hard to serve the ummah.

6) Fulfilling the vision and goals you had as a parent for 8 children must definitely not have been an easy journey. I believe, the fundamental reason for your success after Allah’s help was your perseverance mashaAllah, because this is where most people fail when they set out to achieve their dreams. What kept you going all these years, especially through the hard times?

All Tawfeeq is from Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). I never stopped making dua asking Allah to make my children people who will benefit the Ummah. That dua and vision gave me strength to never stop.

I was and still am struggling to learn the Qur’an. For as long as I was struggling to learn the Qur’an myself, I felt that I could demand the same effort and dedication from my children. So for me, learning the Qur’an was synonymous to perseverance.

Lastly, it was also born out of the desire to be just and fair to all my children that I persevered. I felt that I needed to continue teaching and giving the younger set of children what I did for the older set. So this kept me going. Our home-school routine continued even until all seven children had gone to school and there was only one child left to teach at home. In fact, I found classmates for her so she would enjoy her learning.

Sometimes as parents, we tend to move and make decisions according to the needs of the older children and neglect the young ones. It might seem naturally so. This was something I always tried to remind myself not to do.

7) How can people practically inculcate perseverance and patience, especially as parents?

I’m not sure how you practically inculcate the characteristics of patience and perseverance. My own answer to that really is, bring yourself closer to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He).

If this parenting vision you have is not connected to 'ibaadah, then there is no reason to be patient nor persevere.

Be conscious of your intentions and beliefs. If you believe that as Muslim parents, it is our duty to bring up our children in a way that will make them the best of Muslims, then it is a cause worth pursuing. Like any other acts of worship, this kind of parenting must stem from the belief that it is something that is pleasing to Allah for which you will be rewarded. It is this belief that will give you patience and perseverance. Anyone who has a lesser intention or started out because of some worldly reasons will eventually get tired and give up.

Last but not least, remember that the dua of your pious children will benefit you in your grave. This is enough to make you work hard.

8) Many of our readers (especially mothers!) will want to know what role your husband played in your achievements with your children. How involved was he in envisioning and executing your parenting goals?

Both my husband and I share the same vision and so it wasn’t a question of one partner having to convince the other, Alhamdulillah.

I never expected my husband to take an equal load in bringing up our children simply because he is the breadwinner who has to be out of the house. What I do expect is that he supports me, fills in the gaps and lends me a hand where needed and is always ready and willing to spend time with the children whenever he can. This he did most naturally and willingly, Alhamdulillah.

As a husband, he was fully supportive and played equally active roles in stimulating and occupying our children. He would talk and play with the baby, read stories to the toddler, explain things to the three-year-olds, play with the children even when they’re a bit older, and always kept an interest in their development, whatever stage they’re in.

The greater help for me is that my husband would continually encourage the children to work hard with me, reminding them of the great purpose for working hard. He also had to step in as teacher from time to time. Once, I was really short- handed, so my husband took over my third son’s reading progress. He had to listen to him read ‘Peter and Jane’ everyday until he became an independent reader. He also helped in listening to the children’s Hifdh portion and test them when I’m busy.

My husband also never shied away from helping me with parenting chores like changing nappies, washing the children, feeding them and cleaning up. I never drew up a duty roster. We just had to help each other.

He was also my ‘higher authority’ in the sense that if and when the children do not obey or cooperate, then I would refer them to ‘abi’.

As I see it, it is essential to bring up children to respect their father as the head of the family.

That same father who rolls on the grass with them will discipline them if he has to. Many times, just being sent to ‘abi’ to be talked to is enough for the children.

Where the learning takes place outside the home, I could rely on my husband to fulfil that role. He would take the boys to pray in the masjid and to attend Qur’an Halaqas and talks. I fondly recall when my husband was presented a gift for being a dedicated father although he was never in the boys’ Qur’an Halaqa. One teacher had noticed him waiting outside in the car every lesson throughout the semester and thought he deserved the recognition, maa shaa' Allah.

My husband could not be my supporter and partner in the daunting task of bringing up our children if our goals and aims were not the same. Even if there were minor differences in a given situation when dealing with a child, we had a tacit agreement never to question each other’s decision in front of the children. As far as the children saw, we were always united in our sentiment.

This is important for the children so they learn to accept the decisions of both parents without always thinking that they can get a different ruling if they went to the other parent.

9) Each of your children is also engaged in developing and mastering a hobby, maa shaa'Allah! Tell us about their hobbies, and how did you ensure they each picked up something productive to do for leisure?

The truth is, I didn’t ensure that each child had a hobby. My husband and I had decided that we would bring up our children without a TV in the house, so I just made sure that the children are occupied from the time they were little.

Hence, we spent a lot of time doing craft and being creative.
The early stages were sticking, cutting and gluing and making things out of play dough. Then as they got a bit older, we ventured into painting, clay modelling and making things out of anything and everything; origami, paper flowers, beads, cards, glass jars etc. We also made our own books, writing stories and making our own book covers.

Except for really girly things, in many of these activities, I didn’t differentiate between the boys and the girls. The boys took part and had just as much fun. Then I taught the girls simple embroidery, cross stitches and sewing. Finally, as they became young teenagers, the girls learnt to use the sewing machine to make pretty things, re-purposed some things, sewed their own curtains and started a small business selling hand-made bag-sand hair bands in one cultural fair in Riyadh. People thought they were really pretty, maashaa'Allah.

At this current stage, they have become more advanced in knitting, crocheting and baking. One of my daughters, who is the artist, because of her love for colours, is also talented in doing make-up. Another daughter is keen in architecture and loves designing buildings from paper. Obviously, these are skills beyond my knowledge, so Youtube has been very useful.

I would like to stress that whatever the children have acquired in terms of skills and hobbies, maashaa'Allah, has been born not just out of the love to be creative.

More significantly, growing up without television naturally gave them the mind and desire to occupy themselves. Of course they also discover the added joy that being skilful makes you independent.

The boys also had hobbies like photography, graffiti art, T-shirt writing, carpentry and they are all keen football players, maasha'aAllah.

10) You were working as a teacher but stopped once you began having children and dedicated all of your time to them. After your last child finished her Hifdh, you yourself became a Haafidhah mashaAllah. You then went on to teach English at King Saud University in Riyadh, and enrolled in a post-graduate English-teaching diploma course (DELTA) at the same time while working, and you are now teaching at Prince Sultan University. What motivated you to continue pursuing your own education and career after all these years?

Unfortunately, it didn’t happen as gloriously as your question presented it to be. My motivation for going back to work was not to pursue the career I left behind for two reasons. First, I have always been happy and fulfilled as a busy and teaching mum. I never stopped teaching in the 19 years I was at home before I started working.

In 1998, when my number five was ready to start our home-school programme, I opened a school at the request of some friends who wanted to follow my teaching programme. We got together and turned every available room in my house into classrooms and taught our children. Each class had a 1:2 student teacher ratio and the results were amazing, maashaa'Allah. The school grew and other parents asked to enroll their children into our school and we started charging fees. It was a very successful school in terms of inculcating spiritual and academic excellence in the children. We called it Daar al-Qur’an and I was both teacher-trainer and the ‘head-mystery’ (as one child once called me) of the school. The mothers who came to learn from me became the teachers who were very committed to the cause and made the school a success.

As the students graduated and had to go to primary school, sadly, the teachers had to leave the school too, to be at home for their children when they come home from school. After five years, I continued running the school by myself until my last daughter went to school. In the last year of Daar al-Qur’an, I had the joy of training my eldest daughter who joined me to teach in the school. It was only after that year that I started working at the university.

With my children all in school, I took up a new job because it was very close to my house and I could leave after the children and be home before them. Again, having a career was far from my mind. It took me a long time to adjust being a working mother.

As for doing DELTA, it was a requirement that came with the job. It was both mentally and physically strenuous; working and studying while trying to run a family.

For the first time in my life, I felt unhappy in not having time for my children and husband. Working and studying took up most of my time and energy. Alhamdulillah, the older children stepped in with the Qur’an of my youngest who enrolled in the intensive mubakkir programme. It was a hifdh programme wherein the child finishes memorising the Qur’an at grade 4. The most painful thing for me was when I find myself being too tired to listen to the children talking about school or when I had to sit by myself because I was trying to study or had an assignment to submit. Alhamdulillah, I completed the DELTA after two years.

I decided not to pursue further studies after my DELTA because I don’t want to neglect the family the way I did. I am now teaching in Prince Sultan University and here I feel I could combine motherhood and working in a much better way, Alhamdulillah.

11) I recall a profound statement you’d made at a gathering once: “the education of a child begins twenty years before it is born.” Do elaborate this for our readers.

It simply means that before you can teach your children, you need to gain knowledge yourself. Some of you may think it’s too late and too difficult at your stage of parenting. It’s never too late to seek knowledge and to correct ourselves. Furthermore, you have every opportunity now to make it right for your children. Prepare your children to be upright parents by giving them knowledge from now. Don’t just focus on excellent university degrees and the means to earn a good job. Give them sound knowledge in their deen and make sure they know the Qur’an. This means the knowledge to read, to understand and to live by it. Prepare your children to be educated and pious parents.

12) Do you and your husband follow any particular spiritual routine that you feel increases the Barakah in your day?

I don’t think we do anything different or special to merit any mention here. However I do remember reading a book about bringing up children in Arabic many years ago, forgot its author and title. He said,

‘Your children will not do what you tell them to do. They will do what you do.”

In other words, you need to set the example in everything that you want them to be. Be a pious and filial son and daughter to your own parents and your children will do the same for you. So, be an example to your children especially in your 'Ibaadah.

13) Finally, what is the best advice you have for anyone aspiring to be parents someday, In shaa' Allah?

Read all of the above and try for yourself what you feel is right. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) does not burden you with more than what you can bear. This was my journey and I’m still on the road, only further down.

Those of you who are reading this will choose your own path and I pray whatever path you choose for yourself, the aim is the same: that you want to bring up pious children who will benefit the Ummah.

Also remember that without correct Islamic knowledge, your children will not be able to serve the Ummah.

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Category: Raising Children

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Shaykh Al-Kalbaani, former Imaam of the Ka'bah, at a conference in London was telling us this story:

When he was young, he was a very naughty boy. He would make his mother angry. But his mother, Allah bless her, was a very righteous woman and she knew the power of Du'a.

She made it her habit that, in her anger at him, she would say this Du'a: "May Allah guide YOU! And make you the IMAAM of the Ka'bah!"

Imaam Al-Kalbani told us, "so Allah answered her du'a and I went on to become the Imam of the Ka'bah!"

Allahu Akbar!

Shaykh Adil Kalbani is black, and the son of a poor immigrant from the Persian Gulf. In an interview with NYTimes, Shaykh Kalbani said,

"Leading prayers at the Grand Mosque is an extraordinary honor, usually reserved for pure-blooded Arabs from the Saudi heartland."

He was taken aback when he came to know that King Abdullah had chosen him as the first black Imaam of Masjid al-Haram (in recent times), he added. Masha Allah!

Ponder This ---> Dont curse your children when they misbehave..it might backfire! I know of someone who told her son to 'go die', & regretted it later when he passed away the same day. Subhaan Allah!

Watch your words dear parents. Make it a habit to utter good du'as for them...Yup, even when you're angry with them!!

The Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasallam) said,

"Three supplications will not be rejected (by Allah Subhaan wa Ta'ala), the supplication of the parent for his child, the supplication of the o­ne who is fasting, and the supplication of the traveler." [al-Bayhaqi, Tirmidhi - Saheeh]

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It had been a long two weeks thought Taheerah as she stole a moment to gulp down her now lukewarm tea. Yes, it had been two long weeks of covering books, sharpening pencils and struggling to make up sets of pencil colours from leftovers of last year. Getting the kids back to school had been no easy task and she had heard all the stories about school and about the learner who was adamant about working on the floor because her teacher insisted that they do their math without tables; and of the new teacher who marched into the classroom determined to establish his authority, and after banging his books on the desk demanded, "Will all the idiots in this class please stand up!"

After a painfully long silence young Abdool stood up at the back of the class and the teacher said, "Yes young man! Tell us why you think you are an idiot!"

The young man shifted his toppee(hat) nervously and in a near whisper replied, "I don't think I am an idiot, Sir. But I felt bad that you were the only one standing"

***

She had just put away the last of the dishes when she heard her son at the door. Patting down her greying hair and removing her apron she waited for him to come rushing in as he always did.

"Salaams Ma. Howz it!" he shouted as bounded into the kitchen dropping his heavy school bag at the door. "What's to eat? I'm very starved"

"Wa Alaikum wasalaam. When are you going to learn to say the full salaam. All you young people..."

"Ma, guess what?" he cut her off, "I am going to get seven A's this year. Seven! Ma"

Taheerah smiled broadly and replied,

"I think you should get eight A's"

"But Ma, I am only doing seven subjects." he said, a quizzical frown creased his forehead. "How can I ever get eight A's. I think the heat of the kitchen is frying your brain, Ma."

She paused for a while, set down the plate of steaming rice before him and said,

"In fact, I think you should just get one A. Yes, just one A is enough"

Confused, he ignored his food and stared at his mother, "Ma, you not making sense. What good is one A? And in which subject – Maths, Science, English....no, Ma you really not making sense."

Taheerah busied herself with dishing out aromatic curry saying nothing. She moved confidently in the kitchen pleased that she could offer her children a freshly cooked lunch every day. She wiped her hands on the kitchen towel and sat down close to her son.

"You see, my son," she began in her soft voice, "I don't want you to get an A in any subject. Not maths, Science, English or....even accounting."

Yusuf tilted his head in confusion and began to say something, before he could collect his words, she continued,

"The A I really want you to get is Allah. If you have Allah throughout your life then you have everything. But if you have all the qualifications, all the letters of the alphabet behind your name...LLB, BA, BSc, PhD, you name it; but you don't have Allah then you have lost out. Not only in the Hereafter, but in this world too. Because,"

she paused to take a sip of water and waited for her words to sink in before she continued,

"If you have Allah in your troubled times then you have the best of Helpers. And knowing there's no problem that He can't solve, you will never give up hope. And if you have Allah in your good times then you will never forget that all the lovely things you have come from Him and you will never be arrogant. And if He is with you in the grave then what darkness can there be? In fact your grave will be full of light!.. And if He is with you on the day of Judgement then who can deny you entry into His Paradise."

Yusuf shuffled his food around his plate as he stared at his mother with tearful eyes.

"So if you have just this one A you have everything. And Allah will carry you in the difficult times and guide you in the happy times."

Taheerah reached for her son's hand and held it tightly. He stood up, his tall lanky frame towering over her and bent low to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, whispering,

"Ma, you're a genius."

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Doctors should curb amount of time children spend watching television to prevent long-term harm, say paediatricians.

Doctors and government health officials should set limits, as they do for alcohol, on the amount of time children spend watching screens – and under-threes should be kept away from the television altogether, according to a paper in an influential medical journal published on Tuesday.

A review of the evidence in the Archives Of Disease in Childhood says children's obsession with TV, computers and screen games is causing developmental damage as well as long-term physical harm. Doctors at the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, which co-owns the journal with the British Medical Journal group, say they are concerned. Guidelines in the US, Canada and Australia already urge limits on children's screen time, but there are none yet in Britain.

The review was written by psychologist Dr Aric Sigman, author of a book on the subject, following a speech he gave to the RCPCH's annual conference. On average, he says, a British teenager spends six hours a day looking at screens at home – not including any time at school. In North America, it is nearer eight hours. But, says Sigman, negative effects on health kick in after about two hours of sitting still, with increased long-term risks of obesity and heart problems.

The critical time for brain growth is the first three years of life, he says. That is when babies and small children need to interact with their parents, eye to eye, and not with a screen.

Prof Mitch Blair, officer for health promotion at the college, said: "Whether it's mobile phones, games consoles, TVs or laptops, advances in technology mean children are exposed to screens for longer amounts of time than ever before. We are becoming increasingly concerned, as are paediatricians in several other countries, as to how this affects the rapidly developing brain in children and young people."

The US department of health and human services now specifically cites the reduction of screen time as a health priority, aiming "to increase the proportion of children aged 0 to two years who view no television or videos on an average weekday" and increase the proportion of older children up to 18 who have no more than two hours' screen time a day.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has also issued guidance, saying "media – both foreground and background – have potentially negative effects and no known positive effects for children younger than 2 years". The Canadian Paediatric Society says no child should be allowed to have a television, computer or video game equipment in his or her bedroom.

Sigman goes further, suggesting no screen time for the under-threes, rising gradually to a maximum of two hours for the over-16s. Parents should "encourage" no screens in the bedroom, he says, and be aware that their own viewing habits will influence their children.

But the issue is controversial and his opinions and standing are questioned byDorothy Bishop, professor of developmental neuropsychology at Oxford University who says that although this is an important topic, Sigman's paper is not "an impartial expert review of evidence for effects on health and child development". "Aric Sigman does not appear to have any academic or clinical position, or to have done any original research on this topic," she said. "His comments about impact of screen time on brain development and empathy seem speculative in my opinion, and the arguments that he makes could equally well be used to conclude that children should not read books."

Sigman says he chooses not to have a job at a university and works in health education. "I go into schools and talk to children, usually about alcohol – trying to delay the age at which they start drinking," he said. Limiting the use of electronic media, he said, was a similar public health issue.

Dr Louise Arsenault, senior lecturer at the Institute of Psychiatry, said: "The findings from this study are intriguing and add to an increasing body of evidence suggesting that a sedentary lifestyle is not optimal for the future of young children." It was "crucial to keep this activity in context with the rest of children's lives". Screen media could be a marker of a more generally unhealthy lifestyle that needed to be talked about by health practitioners, she said.

Professor Lynne Murray, research professor in developmental psychopathology at the University of Reading, said there is "a well-established literature showing the adverse effects of screen experience on the cognitive development of children under three", but the adverse effects could be mitigated if the child was watching and interacting with "a supportive partner – usually adult".

The RCPH's Professor Blair said there were some simple steps parents could take, "such as limiting toddler exposure as much as possible, keeping TVs and computers out of children's bedrooms, restricting prolonged periods of screen time (we would recommend less than two hours a day) and choosing programmes that have an educational element."

But Justine Roberts, co-founder of Mumsnet, said it was hard for parents to compete with technology. "It would be great if someone could invent a lock that could automatically ensure a daily shut down of all the different devices in and around the home after a designated period. Until such a thing is invented, it's going to be an ongoing battle to keep on top of everything," she said.

Source: The Guardian

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A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.

(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?....

We just call him 'TV.'

He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone".

Second child "I Pod ".

And JUST BORN THIS YEAR WAS a Grandchild:

IPAD.

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This article is especially for mollycoddling mothers who are under the mistaken impression that bringing up a son worthy of being a man and bringing up a kitten are the same thing. Remember my dear sisters, wood needs seasoning if it is to be worth anything. And to be seasoned it has to get wet in the rain, dry in the hot sun and freeze in the night. Only then will it become strong and last a hundred years.

The same applies to children – especially boys. Soft little overweight brats may look cute – but believe me, that is only to your motherly eyes. The reality is that what you are looking at is a poor, scared little human being who was made incapable of surviving in the world; handicapped and destroyed by the misplaced, misguided love of his mother.

If you want your children to succeed, get them used to hardship. Connect them with Allah. Teach them the true value of things. And DON’T succumb to their demands. Allah gave THEM into YOUR control and not vice versa. If you don’t do this, then be prepared to be in the darkness of your grave without any benefit accruing to you from one of the most powerful potential sources that Allah gave into your control. As you bring them up, so they will be for you.

Decide, are you their friend or worst enemy? Are you trying to help them to succeed or scripting their perpetual failure? As you do, so shall it unfold.

When I was 15 I fell off my horse doing some acrobatics in full gallop and broke my shoulder. When I reached home, in excruciating pain, my mother saw me and recited a couplet:

Girtay hain shah sawaar hi maidan-e-jung mein

Wo thifl kya girayga jo ghutnon kay bal chalay?

It is only warriors who fall in the field of battle

How can a little child who is crawling on his knees ever fall?

She said it because she loved me. Then she sent me off to the hospital (my father was the surgeon) and he bandaged me up and asked me to tell him the whole story of how I fell and listened to it with great amusement and laughed his famous laugh which all those who knew him will remember.

He also loved me more than anyone else.

From as far back as I can recall, my brother (he must have been 6 or 7 and I was a year or two older) we used to go with our father for Taraweeh in Masjid Bee Sahaba in Panjagutta. No carpet. Stone floor. And we prayed 20 Raka’at. We would go to Tablighi and other functions and sit on stone floors (no masjid in Hyderabad had a carpet) and listen to Bayans of at least 3 hours at a stretch. No complaints. No excuses. And it didn’t even occur to us that we had any choice in the matter. And that is how we learnt. I don’t remember ever consciously learning the Masnoon Khutba of Rasoolullah (SAS). I learnt it simply listening to the many Ulama who always began their Bayans with that Khutba.

On the occasion that we prayed at home, it was my responsibility to call Adhaan and my father led the Salah and we all prayed behind him. He would be up from 2.30am every day and we could hear him making Wudhu (no electric heaters so it was always cold water) and then read the Qur’an until it was time for Fajr. Then he would come into our room, turn on the lights, pull off our blankets and say, ‘Utho meri Duniya kay ghareebo. Namaz neend say behtar hai.’ (Wake up O Ghareeb of my world, Salah is better than sleep). The youngest of his 5 children at that time was 5 years old.

When I was 19 I went off to Guyana and lived alone, working in a mining town in the middle of the Amazonian rainforest for 5 years. My parents said, ‘Go. Insha’Allah our dua is with you. Be careful of your Salat.’ That’s it.

Alhamdulillah they had confidence in their dua and they were connected to their Rabb.

And that is why every day of my life, I make dua for them in Tahajjud. 

What they do - What we say

If he plays cricket all day = Children need to play to remain healthy

If he prays Taraweeh = He will get tired

If he sleeps and doesn’t want to wake up early to study for an exam = How can he succeed if he doesn’t study?

If he doesn’t pray Fajr in the Masjid with his father = Poor kid, what can he do? He has to go to school at 7.30 am

If he doesn’t know his school lesson = He is a failure and will be punished

If he can’t understand the Qur’an, doesn’t know more than 5 Suras, can’t recite the Qur’an correctly, has no Khushoo in Salah, has no connection with Allah? = He is not ashamed. You are not ashamed. After all how much can he do?

If the above doesn’t apply to you, Alhamdulillah.

But if it applies to you then ask yourself:

‘What values are you teaching your children?’

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I called a friend a few days ago to catch up on a few things and found her super busy with her three little ones, all under the age of five. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. I remember when I had three under five and it seems like such a long time ago. A few of my friends have small children and a few have two or three very small children. It can be hard work – long sleepless nights, endless nappies, dragging that big baby-bag everywhere, trying to navigate public transport and shops with a big buggy, having to plan ahead just to try and get a moment to go to the loo. But now that I look back, it seems it was over so quickly.

I reassured my friend. I remember when I had my youngest I had a good dose of the baby blues and did not want to get up or do anything, let alone be a mum. I remember yearning for a whole night of sleep and finding all of the things I was supposed to do – reading with the kids, playing with them, taking them to the park, so tedious. I would never have admitted it then for fear of being judged, but actually, looking after small kids can be tedious. The beautiful, unforgettable moments with your little ones – the first words, the funny little things they do, those moments when your heart brims over from love, these things make being a mum pleasurable and help temper the tedium, but the boring moments are still there.

Thing is, it’s all over so quickly. My youngest is five, all three are at school full time, they can eat themselves, dress themselves (although Gorgeous still tries to abdicate responsibility for these two – always the baby). They can go off unsupervised for some time to play outside or in their room. But that’s not what made the biggest difference to me. Kids just get so much more interesting as they get older. They have a life – at school, with friends, at madrassah, in their bedrooms, even in their heads. They have thoughts and opinions. They can tell you about their day (with much prompting) and are interested in yours (mostly to say how unfair it is you don’t have to go to school).

I realised recently, how much I enjoyed parenting, which was not always the case before. I realised how I am falling in love with my kids in all sorts of new ways. I love that their own personalities and strengths are coming through – Little Lady’s bossiness, creativity and dodgy jokes, Little Man’s kindness and studiousness and Gorgeous’ charm, playfulness and sportiness. I never would have guessed parenting would be so much more fun.

So to my sisters who are just getting through the day, one day at a time, I have to say, these days when your children are so small will be over so quickly. Spend them to hold your babies, hug them, kiss them, tell them you love them till they have no doubts. Let the house get messy, leave your hair wild, soon they will be leaving you every morning and you will have all the time in the world to straighten cushions and look perfect. Also this – that parenting gets even better, lots easier and so much more fun. I never expected this at all, but I am so enjoying this time with my kids. Perhaps I am speaking too soon, maybe they will hit the teen years and turn into indecipherable, irrational monsters, in which case I had better make the most of this time Inshaa’Allah!

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1. Commit to Raising A Moral Child

How important is it for you to raise a moral child? It's a crucial question to ask, because research finds that parents who feel strongly about their kids turning out morally usually succeed because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raise one.

2. Be a Strong Moral Example

Parents are their children's first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see. Each day ask yourself: "If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he/she catch?" The answer is often quite telling.

3. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them

Before you can raise a moral child, you must be clear about what you believe in. Take time to think through your values then share them regularly with your child explaining why you feel the way you do. After all, your child will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it's essential that he/she hears about your moral standards.

4. Use Teachable Moments

The best teaching moments aren't ones that are planned—they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they come up. Take advantage of those moments because they help your child develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide his behavior the rest of his life.

5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson

Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right next time. Using the right kind of questions helps kids expand their ability to take another person's perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help your child reflect: "Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?" That way your child learns from his mistakes and grows morally. Remember your ultimate goal is to wean your child from your guidance so he or she acts right on his or her own.

6. Expect Moral Behavior

Studies are very clear: kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your child's conduct and also lets her know in no uncertain terms what you value. Post your moral standards at home then consistently reinforce them until your child internalizes them so they become his or her rules, too.

7. Reflect on the Behaviors' Effects

Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child's behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child's moral growth: ("See, you made her cry") or highlight the victim's feeling ("Now he feels bad"). The trick is to help the child really imagine what it would be like to be in the victim's place so he or she will be more sensitive to how his or her behavior impacts others.

8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors

One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge his or her good behavior by describing what he or she did right and why you appreciate it.

9. Prioritize Morals Daily

Kids don't learn how to be moral from reading about it in textbooks but from doing good deeds. Encourage your child to lend a hand to make a difference in his world, and always help him or her recognize the positive effect the gesture had on the recipient. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of the virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors.

10. Incorporate the Golden Rule

Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries,

"Treat others as you want to be treated."

Remind him or her to ask himself before acting, Would I want someone to treat me like that? It helps him or her think about his behavior and its consequences on others. Make the rule become your family's over-arching moral principal.

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The great scholar, Muhammad ibn Ismaa'eel (of Egypt) describes the role of the Muslim woman in raising the leaders of the Ummah (Muslim Nation), their scholars and great men.

The Imaam of the people of ash-Shaam, their Faqeeh (jurist): Abu ‘Amr al-Awzaa’i (rahimahullah).

Imaam an-Nawawi said about al-Awzaa'i (rahimahullah),

"The scholars agree on the imaamah (religious leadership) of al-Awzaa’i, his high position and merits.The sayings of the Salaf (pious predecessors) are many and known about his fear, zuhd (asceticism), worship and how he stood for the truth, aswell as his many narrations and deep fiqh (Islamic Jurisprudence).He would hold on to the Sunnah with strength…and they (the scholars) acknowledged his (high) status.”

He was the fruit of a great mother! She was the one who took care of him and raised him after the death of his father.

Imam Maalik ibn Anas (rahimahullah).

He was the Imaam of Daarul Hijrah, the author of the great book “Al Muwatta’” . For him the people would travel from around the world, seeking both his knowledge and fataawaa (religious verdicts).

This great Imaam was also the result of the hard work, patience and toil of a great mother. She provided him with the means for seeking knowledge and greatly encouraged him in pursuing its’ difficult and arduous terrains.

Imaam Maalik says, ‘I asked my mother, “Shall I go and write knowledge (i.e. study and learn it)?”

She replied,

“Come here and wear the (appropriate) dress for (seeking) knowledge!”

After she had dressed him with religious clothing and the ‘imaamah (Islamic turban), she said to Imaam Maalik,

“Now go and write the knowledge”.

She also said to him her famous and wise quote,

“Go to Rabe’ah ar-Ra’ee and learn from his manners before his knowledge!”

Imaam ash-Shafi’ee, Muhammad ibn Idrees (rahimahullah)

Imaam ash-Shaafi’ee was also a blessed fruit from a great and righteous mother.

His father died while he was in his mothers womb or while she was still breastfeeding. His mother took care of him with great wisdom. For, she was a noble and clever woman from the noble woman of ‘Azd.

She (rahimahallah) was also from the worshippers and one who based her on life on fitrah (natural disposition).

‘Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr al-Mazini (radhiAllaahu ‘anhu).

He was the one who narrated the Wudhoo’ (ritual ablution) of the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and the one who killed Musaylamah the liar with his sword . Yes! Both him and his brother, Habeeb ibn Zayd al-Mazini (may Allah be pleased with him) were the ones who cut Musaylamah into pieces!

They too were the fruits of a righteous mother, Umm 'Imaarah Nusaybah bint Ka’b al-Maziniyyah al-Ansariyyah (radiAllaahu ‘anha). Her brother was Abdullah ibn Ka’b Al-Mazini (radhi Allaahu ‘anhu), who participated in the Battle of Badr.

She attended the night of al-‘Aqabah, Uhud, al-Hudaybiyyah, Hunayn, al-Yamaamah and struggled much in the path of Allah, the Mighty and Glorious.

'Umar ibn’ Abdul Aziz (rahimahullah).

‘Umar ibn ‘Abdul-‘Azeez was one of the righteous and just Caliphs of this Ummah. His mother was Umm 'Aasim bint 'Aasim ibn Umar ibnul Khattaab (radi Allaahu ‘anhum).

His mother was one of the best women in her time and was known for her generousity. Her mother was the one ‘Umar ibnul Khattab chose as a wife for his son Aasim. She came into this noble family, not because she was from a prestigious and high-ranking family, rather because of an incident of truth, fearing her Lord. This inturn changed her life forever…

Her mother told her to add water to the milk they were to sell. She replied with truth when advising her mother, not knowing that ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) was listening, she said to her mother,

“If ‘Umar won’t see us, the Lord of ‘Umar will see us!”

It was from this righteous mother that the righteous caliph ‘Umar ibn ‘Abdul ‘Azeez was born into this Ummah. He was embellished with many of the noble characteristics of his grandmother.

Ameer al Mu’mineen 'Abdur-Rahmaan an-Naasir (rahimahullah).

‘Abdur-Rahmaan an-Naasir ruled al-Andalus while it was sinking in fitnah (trial and tribulation), and blood was being spilt. He couldn’t stay in it so he went forth with his soldiers and opened 70 fortresses in one battle.

He made it to the heart of France, Switzerland and Italy. He was the best of Banoo Umayyah in al-Andalus and he ruled for 50 years and 6 months. He was also a fruit of one woman’s hard work and toil, for Abdur-Rahmaan was an orphan. His uncle killed his father when he was only 21 days old, his mother therefore raised him in such a way that history can’t forget his name.

Sufyaan ath-Thawree (rahimahullah)

Sufyaan ath-Thawree was the jurist (Faqeeh) of the Muslims and their Muhaddith (scholar of hadeeth). Infact, he was considered the ameer al mu’mineen (leader of the believers) in hadeeth.

This great Imaam was also the fruit of a great mother; history has saved the mention of her great merits and status.

The mother of Sufyaan (may Allah be pleased with him) said to him,

“My son, seek knowledge and I will help you with my spinning of wheel.”

She (rahimahallah) would work and give him financial help, just so that he would have time to seek knowledge. Not only that, she would also give him great words of wisdom, morals and advice. Once she said to him,

“O Son! If you write ten pages, look and see if it increased you in fear, patience and seriousness. For if you do not see any such improvements then know that your knowledge harms you and does not benefit you.”

It is no wonder then that he became such a great Imaam (a leader of religious authority in knowledge).

For, he was raised by a merciful and dutiful mother, who gave him from her milk of taqwaa (Allah-Consciousness).

Source: 'Awdat al-Hijaab' by Muhammad ibn Ismaa'eel (2/204).

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As Allah (ta'ala) states, it is part of our belief that we shall be questioned and are responsible for the following, "Verily! Hearing, Sight, and the heart, all will be questioned (by Allâh)". (Al-Israaa' [17]:36)

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said that on the Day of Repayment, no one will move until they are asked about three things, one of them being, "...his youth - what did he exhaust it with?"

A close friend of mine told me his experience when leaving Canada to go overseas inorder to study Islaam. He said that he went to a person's house to say Salaam to the family and as he left he noticed the son, who was 7 years old at the time, slacked out on his stomach, chin locked in his two hands, staring deathly at the TV. He says, when he returned after a full 4 years, he entered the same house and found the same boy slacked out on his stomach, chin locked in his two hands, staring deathly at the TV, the only difference being that now he was 4 years older.

My intention is to cover the truth about T.V.'s dark side. It is not my intention to make you throw your T.V. off the balcony - although that would be nice. But rather, so that you may gain a better understanding of the destructive nature the T.V. has on a persons life and hereafter, not only his own, but also his family and children.

In Qawaa'id al-Fiqhiyyaah (a book on the principles of Islamic Jurisprudence) there is a principle that says,

Al Waasaa’il ta’khudhu Hukm al-Ghaayaat.

‘The means takes the same ruling as the intention of what is trying to be attained.’

A television set, with the wires, screen, box, and plug is nothing more than a means. It is what is trying to be attained by that box, which makes it impermissible or permissible. Yes, it is similar to a gun, which can be used for noble purposes, such as defending one’s land from aggression and oppression, or it can be a means of considerable harm, especially when given to a child.

In an Arab ESL class, the teacher would ask, as an introduction to the class, which English words were taken from the Arabic language. A few hands would jerk up and say things like, "Chemistry from Keemiyaa", "Algebra from AlGebr", "Physics from Feesiyaa", etc. Then he would interestingly ask them what Arabic words were taken from the English, the answers come quick, "Raadiyo from Radio", "Dosh from Satellite Dish", and of course "Tilfaaz from TV".

What did the west take from us, and what did we take from them?

It has been stated by contemporary scholars,

"With regards to television, it is a dangerous device and its harmful effects are very great, like those of the cinema, or even worse.

We know from the research that has been written about it and from the words of experts in Arab countries and elsewhere enough to indicate that it is dangerous and very harmful to Islamic beliefs (‘Aqeedah), morals and the state of society.

This is because it includes the presentation of bad morals, tempting scenes, immoral pictures, semi-nakedness, destructive speech, and disbelief.

It encourages imitation of their conduct and ways of dressing, respect for their leaders, neglect of Islamic conduct and ways of dressing, and looking down on the scholars and heroes of Islam. It damages their image by portraying them in an off-putting manner that makes people despise them and ignore them.

It shows people how to cheat, steal, hatch plots and commit acts of violence against others.

Without doubt, anything that produces so many bad results should be stopped and shunned, and we have to close all the doors that could lead to it. If some of our brothers denounce it and speak out against it, we cannot blame them, because this is a part of sincerity towards Allaah and towards other people."

In Saheeh Al-Bukhaari, when Guraayj was praying and his mother called him, he said to himself, “O Allah, my Saalah or my mother?”

He did not know whether to continue his prayer or discontinue it and reply the wishes of his Mother. She cursed him. And her curse was one that we may inadvertently be doing to our children the day we sanctioned the introduction of the third parent called TV. She said,

“May you see a prostitute!”

She did not say, 'May there be any relationship between you and a prostitute.' No, she just said may you see one. HOW many times has the main theme of prime time TV revolved around prostitutes? HOW MANY TIMES have our children witnessed it? How many times have they been cursed to be in such a situation?

Abdullaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) once passed by some people killing time by playing chess. He became shocked at what was happening and angrily said to them - quoting the verse of Qur’an, “What are these IDOLS that you are standing in vigilance over?” What would he think if he saw the Ummah and its welcomed hug of T.V. in most Muslim homes?

When a Muslim nation watches their country play in the world cup, over 3 million Muslims from that one country tune in. Times that by the duration of the match, 3 hours, and you’ll have 9 million hours of the Ummah’s time wasted on a football game. In one sweeping night. If Karl Marx said in 1844 that,

‘Religion is the opium of the masses’

,then what about TV?

Dear brothers and sisters, Rasoolullah (may Allah be pleased with him) said, “The person shall be (on the day of Judgement) with those that they love.” Tell that to a Muslim child, that on the Day of judgement, if they love Michael Jordan sooo much they’ll get to be with him on that horrific day. It’s sad, but most Muslim children would get happy and excited about the prospect - isn’t that enough to strike fear into our hearts? Who are the Muslim children really going to be with on the Day of Repayment? Most of them cannot tell you the names, just the names, of those people that we hope them to be with!

Let’s ask ourselves, if we gave a chance for our sons or daughters to put up a poster of their hero, the one whom they think is the ‘coolest’ - would it be their father or mother? Would it be the Prophet or his Companions? OR would it be a basketball player that he saw on T.V.? Or an actor (even cartoon) that he saw on T.V.? Or a model that she saw on T.V.? Or a musician that s/he saw on T.V.? Who would it be?

O.k., the T.V. is monitored in the house by the parent, correct? (95% of parents with children eight years old and up don’t monitor). Now what happens if the parent dies on the way to work one day and the children inherit the T.V.? Rasoolullah (peace be upon him) said, “There is not a single shepherd (Ameer) that Allah entrusted with a flock - who dies and in a state where he cheated them - except that Allah shall forbid him from entering paradise!” The scholars would quote this Prophetic Narration in light of the father in a Muslim country that would allow a Satellite Dish to enter his family, the family which Allah entrusted him with.

Dear brothers and sisters, we are not here on earth to entertain ourselves to death. We are an Ummah with a Risaalah (message)! When Rib’ee ibn ‘Aamir (RA) stood in the hands of the king of Persia, he announced the message as clear and as proud as every Muslim should,

“Allah sent us to rescue humanity from slavery to slaves - to the slavery of the Lord of all slaves; And to rescue them from the choke of the material life to the expanse of this life and the next, and from the corruption of the cults to the justice of Islam!”

If we don’t know how to read Qur’aan, why aren’t we registering with a Qur’aan institute? If we don’t know the language of the Qur’aan and Sunnah, why aren’t we registering with an Arabic institute? If we don’t know about the life of Rasoolullah (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and his Companions  (may Allah be pleased with them) then why aren’t we attending local Seerah and Fiqh classes?

Doesn’t Allah (ta’aala) tell us in the Qur’an, "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what they do." (An-Nur 030)

How do reconcile those verses with the television that assaults our eyes with Haraam almost every second that it is on? How do we reconcile it?

Have you heard of Cupid? Of course we have. They portray Cupid in cartoons and comedies as a chubby child with wings who is supposed to be the Angel of Love, shooting arrows of ‘love’ when the male looks at the female. Rather dear brothers and sisters, it is Iblees! For Rasoolullah (peace be upon him) told us, "Verily the ‘look’ is a poisoned arrow from the arrows of Iblees!”

Shaykh At-Tahhaan once told his students,

“It was late at night when our phone rang one day. This Muslimah whispered into the phone, ‘Is this Shaykh at-Tahhaan?’

I said, ‘Yes it is me.’

She kept saying, 'Is it really you?' And he said, ‘Yes, what is wrong?’

At that she just started sobbing and sobbing into the phone. After some time, she explained,

‘The children’s father bought a T.V. and video two days ago. Tonight I found my young son practicing the Haraam that he saw on his younger sister!’

Then she collapsed sobbing again.”

Everything starts with a look and big fires start from a little spark

Turn OFF T.V., Turn ON Life

After a grueling first year in the Faculty of Sharee’ah, I came home to Canada where I spoke to a friend whom I hadn’t spoken to for over a year. In the conversation he said, “Last night on TV Seinfeld said...” I was puzzled and realized that for an entire year I had not heard anything other than "Imaam ash-Shaafi’ee said", and "Imam Aboo Hanifah" said. It was a (good) ignorance, regarding which Shaykh Abdul-Muhsin ‘al-Abbaad would say that,

"We ask Allah (ta’aala) to increase us in its ignorance."

Some people argue that T.V. is just a harmless avenue of entertainment and that there should not be a big deal made about it. It is interesting however that we see in Sharee’ah that Bid’ah (innovation in Islam) is more deadly than Haraam! "Why?", you ask. Because when someone does Haraam like eating pork, he knows it is Haraam and that one day it is hoped that knowledge will lead him to fear Allah and refrain.

Bid’ah - on the other hand - is something a person does with the hope of reward from Allah, something that the person considers to be ‘harmless’. It is deadlier because the chances of this person correcting the situation are less due to the ignorance which causes lack of motivation.

Other people will say that we have a T.V. for the news and Islamic or educational programs? Dear brothers and sisters, is there no other avenue to get the news? Is there no other means by which a child can be educated and stimulated to learning?

Didn’t anyone ever ask why we get all this ‘FREE’ T.V.? What does the T.V. sell? No, it doesn’t sell Coke or Nike or McDonalds burgers, it sells the AUDIENCE to ADVERTISING COMPANIES! Why do you think they charge $1 million for 30 seconds of advertising in a Superbowl game?

Consider these facts:

Brand loyalty starts at the age of two; they can snatch a child into a lifetime of allegiance to their product from that tender age. How old were you when you started loving Coke or Pepsi?

On average, a viewer watches 20,000 commercials each year. If we repeated a page of Qur’aan to you that many times, do you think you would memorize it? This is just for the products, what about the ‘Aqeedah that they are being taught, a whole stack of beliefs that gets fed to them every time they sit to listen to their third parent. Where are the horrific stats for that?

To give just a simple example that we all know, go to a lecture where the Imaam is talking about women’s rights in Islaam. Listen to the Muslim males and females debate with the Imaam. Where did they get their points? Where did they become so hostile to anything that contradicts the Western view of women’s rights? Why is there no hostility to the Western view?

Most of it was learnt on T.V., the rest was learnt in the public school curriculum.

If this is the programming, the brain washing of our youth, then where shall they be reprogrammed when they prefer the T.V. over anyone else? Dear brothers and sisters, it is a fact that more than half of American children would rather watch T.V. than spend time with their mother or father.

After surveying a lot of young children and asking them what is the one thing that they would sacrifice their favorite T.V. shows for, many replied that if there were some sort of outside activity they would give preference to that. Meaning, if someone took them by the hand and organized some after school activities they would embrace the idea.

Here are some other things that you can do instead of being shackled to the TV. The option is yours:

• Do acts of worship with your children and family, such as reciting Dhikr, Salaah, reading Qur’aan, fasting, and thinking about the signs of Allaah in His creation.
• Adopt an Islamic cause in the place where you live, and take part in it, such as teaching young Muslims.
• Support an Islamic magazine by sending articles, statistics and useful information of interest concerning Muslims in the West.
• Take part in charitable projects to help Muslim orphans, widows, divorcees and elderly, or joining a committee to help organize social programs and celebrations for Muslims on 'Eed.
• Find righteous friends to meet with and good neighbors to visit.
• Read Islamic books in particular and useful stories in general.
• Take part in Da’wah activities, men or women’s activities and preschool programs in Islamic centers.
• Listen to tapes and lectures, write summaries of them, and distribute the summaries to anyone who could benefit from them.
• Do arts and crafts
• Play outdoor games.
• Build extra curricular skills, such as martial arts, calligraphy or sewing.
• Visit the library.
• Take on a job and become serious about life and work.
• Cook items to be sold to raise funds for the Islamic center.
• Take an interest in computers and computer programs. This is a vast field that can fill a lot of time, and the computer can be used to do a lot of good things as well as providing entertainment in the form of permissible games.
• Spinning, weaving, cutting out and sewing.
• Gardening.
• Exercising outside or at home.

In conclusion dear brothers and sisters, today is the beginning of a new day. Allah gave us this day to use as we will. We can waste it or use it for something good and beneficial. What we do today is important because we are exchanging a day of our life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in it's place shall be something that we left behind ... let's let it be something good and something beneficial.

Source: This article is infact a transcription of a lecture delivered by Muhammad ash-Shareef, which can be accessed here.

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Those of you who still have your mothers with you, this is something to ponder and to witness as your life unfolds. Those of you who, no longer have your mothers with you, this may be something that sparks a memory for you. Those of you who are mothers, this is something for you to think about as you move through life with your children. Those who have no children, this is something to think about when you encounter children along your life's path, as mothering is not relegated to a biological parent only!!!

***

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?"

,she asked. And the guide said,

"Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young mother cried,

"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold.

The mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said,

"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children,

"A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said,

"Mother, we would not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said,

"This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said,

"Look up. Lift your eyes to the light."

And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said,

"This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children the awareness of Islaam."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said,

"I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, "We cannot see her, but her example is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory, she is an example to be followed."

Your mother is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.

TO ALL OUR MOTHERS. MAY WE NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.

O Allah, forgive us and our parents, and reward them with the finest reward. O Allah, elevate their position in the hereafter and this world.  Make that which befalls them an expiation for their sins. O Allah, grant them residence in al-Firdows, the highest level of Jannah, with the Prophets, the Siddeeqeen, and the Martyrs. Aameen.

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By reading to our children we not only teach them that learning is fun, we also show them by our own example. Allaah, the All-Mighty says (what means), "...Allaah will raise those who have believed among you and those who were given knowledge, by degrees..." [Quran 58: 11]

While it is true that the knowledge that is referred to in the above verse is regarding Islamic knowledge, there is no doubt that throughout Islamic history from the time of the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) until present day there has been a common understanding that striving to learn and educate ourselves is a vital part of being a Muslim.

We know from our rich history that Muslims held the highest ranks in scientific, medical, mathematical and astronomical discoveries, for which our scholars have been envied for many years.

It is so important that we pass on our wonderful legacy of learning to our children, and one of the best ways to accomplish that is to read to them.  The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said: "Only two persons deserve to be envied, firstly, a person to whom Allaah has given wealth and bestowed upon him guidance to spend in a righteous cause, and secondly, a person upon whom Allaah has bestowed wisdom by which he judges and which he teaches." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

With reading come the benefit and the gift of knowledge – more precious to our children than anything else we could ever buy them or give them. Reading to comprehend helps them to understand their religion and therefore teach it to others. We know that reading is at the heart of all learning, but especially being able to read and understand the Quran and the Hadeeth.

Not only it is important that we teach our children English, but also Arabic to the best of our ability. In this way, they can experience the Quran as it is in its pure form.

It is not only important to teach our children to read, but for us to read to them and listen to them while they are reading. By listening to them, we can hear and correct their mistakes and encourage them to sound out new words they are unfamiliar with.

We need to get together in our communities and start reading groups for our children to encourage them to turn off the video games and televisions in the house and pick up a book. Whether it is a work of fiction screened by mom or a biography about one of our beloved Prophet's (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) Companions (may Allaah be pleased with them) it is vital that we get our children reading.

It is one of the easiest ways in which to involve yourself in their education and show them you care. Make a plan and read a book together, and then spend time to discuss it, explain it and ask questions. Ask them what they anticipate will happen next, or what they think should have happened.

Ten proactive things you can do:

1. As you read together, stop and ask your children what is happening in the story.

2. Read from a variety of children's books.

3. When reading a book where the print is large, point word by word as you read. This will help your children learn that reading goes from left to right (or right to left for Arabic books) and understand that the words they say are the words they see.

4. Read your children's favorite books with them over and over again to build understanding and recognition.

5. For smaller children, pronounce each word clearly and a little slower than you would normally read it.

6. Read stories with your children that feature rhyming words and lines that repeat. Invite your children to join in on these parts by pointing word by word as they read along with you.

7. Discuss new words. Ask them to make a new sentence with that new word to make sure they understand the meaning.

8. Listen and watch how your children read and understand written materials.

9. If your child is old enough, assign a book every two weeks and have them write a book report for you. Get creative with book reports by making them more interactive, such as choosing a book about a country then cooking a traditional dish from that area.

10. Find books that can be read as plays and get the whole family involved in reading their parts with different voices.
Our children intimate us in every way.

Our children's likes and dislikes are often a result of our own. So it goes to reason,

"If books are part of loving parents - child interactions from an early age, children will associate the presence of books with all of the positive feelings of being held and loved. Undoubtedly, these associations are encoded in a profound way in a child's developing brain. Picture books provide an ideal context for parents – child interactions that are loving and stimulating."

Furthermore, as researches and studies conducted by pediatricians indicate,

"Growing up healthy means much more than the absence of disease. It means growing up with love and attention, and acquiring spoken and written language. It is exciting to offer a child a beautiful book and watch it do its works, cast its spell."

(Dr. Robert Needlman, Division of Behavioral Pediatrics and Psychology, Rainbow Babies' and Children's Hospital, Cleveland, Ohio)

So with the overwhelming evidence, in addition to our own religion and history to back this up, we should be motivated to encourage the next generation of scholars, scientists and doctors by heading out to our local libraries and checking out suitable books for them. We are raising our future, and what we leave our children with today will be something that will benefit the generations to come.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated a Hadeeth in which the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said,

"When a man dies, all his acts come to an end but three; recurring charity, or knowledge (by which people) benefit, or a pious son, who prays for him (for the deceased)."

(Saheeh Muslim)

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In a far away land, a long time ago, a boy was born blind. His widowed mother, the good Muslimah that she was, did not lose hope in her supplication and prayers for him, which she did continuously. A few years later, the boy’s sight returned. Alhamdulillaah.

She realized that her village was not befitting for her son to excel in his Islamic education, so with her son in her hands they undertook a difficult migration to Makkah. There she made sure that he was instructed in Qur'aan and Hadith, the latter becoming the young man’s focus. He went out far and wide collecting Prophetic Narrations and compiled a Hadith book that sits next to the Qur'aan in authenticity. His mother named him Muhammad ibn Ismaa’eel, and many of us today know him as: al-Imaam al-Bukhari!

Dear brothers and sisters, how often is it that a farmer plants wheat and it comes out as a sunflower? You may say, never! For how can someone farm the seed of one plant and expect some other plant to grow. It just does not happen. Similarly, some parents leave their children waddling in the mud of television, music, movies, and disbelieving friends. Then when the child reaches grade 12 and asks to go to the final dance with a girlfriend, or when he enters University and stops praying, or when he gets married to a non-Musoim and himself becomes one, then the parents say, “What happened?”

Brothers and sisters, it is the harvest of what we planted. If we do not raise our children to be obedient, what do we expect them to learn? If we do not practice Islaam ourselves, who will be our children’s example? How do you teach a child to wake up for Fajr, when he sees his own father and mother sleeping in, day after day? You may ask, how do I raise my children to be good Muslims and obedient to their parents? Consider the following:

Firstly: One should discipline their children throughout their youth. Hishaam ibn 'Abd al-Malik could not find a son of his during Jumu’ah one week. When he met him later, he asked him, “Why did you miss Jumu’ah?” He son replied, “My donkey couldn’t make the trip.” His father then said, “Couldn’t you have walked!” For an entire year after that, Hishaam ibn 'Abd Al-Malik made his son walk to Jumu’ah.

Secondly: The piety of the father and mother reaches the children. In the Qur’aan, Allah recalls for us the story of Khidr, and how he rebuilt a wall for 2 orphans,

{And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town. Under it was a treasure belonging to them and their father was a righteous man…} (Qur'aan, Al-Kahf [18]:82)

Look at how Allah protected these orphans because of the piety of their father. In the commentary to this verse, it is said that it was their grandfather seven generations back!

I end with one qoute of Sa’eed ibn Jubayr. He said,

“I often lengthen my Salah for the sake of my son, perhaps Allah may protect him (because of it).”

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A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waitin g for her at the door.

Son,

'Mummy, may I ask you a question?'

Mum, 'Yeah sure, what is it?' replied the woman.

Son,

'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?'

Mum, 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily.

Son,

'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

Mum,

'If you must know, I make $20 an hour.'

Son,

'Oh,'

the little boy replied, with his head down.

Son,

"Mummy, may I please borrow $5?"

The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door..

The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn't ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' She asked.

'No Mummy, I'm awake,'

replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $5 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

'Oh, thank you Mummy!'

he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,'

the little boy replied.

'Mummy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The mother was crushed. She put his arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $20 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

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Wake up parents before it's too late! Wake up before your time is over and you are full of regrets and wishes... wishing that you had raised your child in a better manner; wishing you had taken the time to enjoy every blessing your child had to offer; wishing that you had hugged or kissed your child more often.

The moments of childhood can never be replaced. You will never be able to get back the experiences that were available to you when your child was 3 months or 1 year or 5 or 10 years. They will pass quickly -- in the blink of an eye.

It is important to reflect upon the rewards that Allah has to offer us for the good deeds that we perform. Allah (ta'aala) gives gifts to those who obey him, both in this life and in the Hereafter. While children are a test for us, they are also the greatest gifts we will ever receive from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. 

Nothing can compare to the hugs, smiles, and laughter of children. Their innocence, beauty, and glow should remind us of Allah and the bounties He has to offer. Seeing our children should remind us of Allah's greatness even more, for it is only through Allah's grace that they are among us. 

When Allah orders us to be kind to children, the benefits of obedience to Him come only to ourselves. Allah does not need anything from us; He is Self-sustaining, beyond any need. Allah only orders things that will be beneficial for us and increase our worship of Him. When we are kind to our children, we reap the rewards and this should lead us to obey and worship Allah even more. How could we miss this wonderful opportunity to come closer to our Lord? 

Showing our children compassion reflects our level of Eemaan (faith) and the mercy that is within our hearts, as noted in the following hadeeth, "A Nomad came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and asked, 'Do you kiss the children? We do not kiss them.' The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, "I cannot help you since Allah has withdrawn mercy from your heart." (al-Bukhaari and Saheeh Muslim) 

Also, "When the Prophet (peace be upon him) kissed his grandson, al-Hasan ibn 'Ali, in the presence of Aqra bin Habis, Aqra said, 'I have ten children, and I have never kissed any of them.' At that, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) looked at him and said, "He who is not kind to others will not receive kindness." Kissing and hugging a child is something that should come naturally. 

When a person is not even able to do this, it is a sign that mercy and compassion have left the heart. How could a parent do more when basic emotions and actions are missing? 

If this is the case, the parent needs to evaluate his or her level of Eemaan and correct it; not only for his or her sake, but for the sake of the children. 

So, enjoy your children today. Give them a hug, a smile, a kiss. Share a story, a quiet moment, our Deen. The rewards will come to you and they are the most glorious ones that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, has to offer. 

Avoid regret and sorrow. Direct yourself to Allah and He will guide you to one of the most beautiful signs of His majesty. It is the sign that is right before you, in the eyes of your child.

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1st Home

"I got two A's," the small boy said,
His voice was filled with glee.
His Father very bluntly asked,
"Why didn't you get three A's?"

"Mom, I've done the dishes,"
The girl called from the door.
Her Mother very sarcastically asked,
"Did you sweep the floor?"

2nd Home

***

Children deserve to be shown appreciation and praise for the task they are asked to do. If they are to lead a secure, well-adjusted and happy life, so much depends on how we as parents treat them. At the age of two, a child starts to form their attitude towards the world around them.

Some developmental psychologists think that the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the strength of these feelings at age two depends on the kind of care that the child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting their basic needs. At this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for independence, as they need the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that is connected to the need to assert themselves which can only be achieved by allowing them a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally.

Some boys and girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem, such a child will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault, and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:

• Too much control ("Do this, don’t do that...") in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does not warrant it. The child begins to always wait for a command before they act and to reassure them that they are doing the right thing.

• Blaming and criticizing them for everything they do, seeking out their faults and rebuking them if they make a mistake, more than they deserve, especially at when they are expecting praise for their efforts. This destroys the child’s motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well. Parents must take precautions and effective measures to save the child from feeling inadequate. Some of the things that cause a child to feel inadequate are: belittling them, humiliating them and mocking them, such as calling the child by offensive names and words in front of their siblings and relatives, or even in front of their friends or in front of strangers whom they have never met before. These are matters which may make the child regard themselves as insignificant and worthless, or may generate psychological complexes that will make them look at others with hatred and dislike, and make them withdraw into themselves in order to escape from life.

• Not giving the child the opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that they may make a mistake or speak of things that aren't desirable, or else allowing them to speak but telling them what they should or should not say excessively.

• Giving them too many warnings about danger, which will make them always expect the worst and constantly imagine that they are surrounded by danger on all sides.

• Putting him or her down by comparing them to others, which makes the child think that they have no worth.

• Making fun of the child and mocking them. Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents’ tongues are only for the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake, great or small, it is not right to use this method to correct them, as this will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche and personal conduct, and it will make them accustomed to the language of condemnation and insult that will destroy them psychologically and morally. The best way of dealing with this problem is to explain to the child, in a gentle manner, where they have gone wrong and to give them proof that will convince them to avoid the mistake in future; the parents should not scold their child, and certainly not in front of others. The parents should use good methods in correcting their child from the outset, following the example of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained people and corrected their mistakes. For a child is very sensitive and readily influenced, irrational and helpless. Building the child’s self-confidence is the first step in building their personality through all stages of life. (Excerpt from Tanshi’at al-Fataat al-Muslimah by Hanaan ‘Atiyah al-Toori al-Juhani, p. 163).

• Not paying attention to their questions.

• Paying too much attention in a manner that shows excessive worry about their health or future.

Negative Effects Resulting From a Lack of Self-Confidence

Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the child, such as:

1- They will not be able to do anything independently, and if they are asked to bring something and find that it differs from the description given, the child will be hesitant; if they are faced with a problem they will be unable to take a decision.

2- They may become dull-witted and uncreative.

3- They will start to complain and feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of him or her, because they think that they will be blamed for whatever they do and that they will not be able to do it in the manner required.

4- They will become weak-willed and will have no resolve, and feel meek and apathetic in situations where such attitudes are not appropriate, and will become neglectful and disorganized.

5- They will suffer anxiety and frustration, and will develop a hostile attitude or a tendency to become introverted and withdrawn.

How to Develop a Child's Confidence

In order to avoid these negative effects on the child, parents should use a number of ways to develop the child’s self-confidence. Some examples follow, although this is not a complete list:

They should draw up some general guidelines to follow by telling them what Allaah has made permissible, which they may do, and what He has forbidden, which they must avoid. Parents should make them aware of noble attributes and good manners, and instill in them a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give their child some freedom to act on their own initiative.

The mother should assign her child some tasks that they are able to do. If they make a mistake the mother should praise them for their initiative and encourage her child, then tell them what they should have done. Sometimes the mother should just praise them  for their efforts, then complete the work in a gentle manner, without telling them directly. If the task is not something that the child is able to do, then the mother may do it and consult the child and ask for their opinion, and let the child state what they think is good and is not, so that the child will realize that everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also gets things right sometimes. This will strengthen their resolve.

The parents should try to praise the child in front of her relatives and friends, and give them rewards commensurate with their efforts. They should praise them for the acts of worship that they do, such as praying regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing well in their studies, having a good attitude, and so on.

They could give them a nickname that will distinguish them from others, but they should not allow anyone to call the child by a bad nickname. If the child makes them angry they should call them by their real name, so that they will realize that they have fallen short in their duty to one or both of them, or that they have wronged somebody, so that the child will realize their error.

*Strengthening their confidence in dealing with other people. This may be done by getting them to do housework, obeying the parents’ commands, and letting them sit with the adults and get together with other youngsters.

*Strengthening their confidence in gaining knowledge, by teaching them the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his Seerah (Biography), so that the child will grow up having acquired abundant knowledge in childhood, so that s/he will have a sense of confidence in the knowledge that they have, because they will have gained the basic principles of true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.

May Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) bless us with guidance and wisdom to encourage and increase those thoughts and actions of our children which are good and correct from those which are incorrect, as our children are the men and women of tomorrow. It is for this reason that parents must be encouraged to give our children due consideration and direction to which is good and correct by being model examples themselves for their children.

Mothers, fathers, teachers, and the society as a whole, will all be accountable in front of Allaah regarding the tarbiyyah (education and upbringing) of this generation. If its tarbiyah is good, then there will be happiness, both in this world and the Hereafter. If it is not, then there will be misery, and it will be a rope around your necks - since there occurs in the hadeeth, “Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be questioned about those who you are responsible for.” (Related by al-Bukhaaree (13/111) and Muslim (no. 1829)

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School violence. The very words send shivers down a parent's spine. Does the phrase school bully evoke the same emotions? It should. As subtle as it may seem, bullying is a form of violence. Experts estimate that almost 75% of today's youth will be involved in some aspect of bullying before they enter high school. And the chances are, your child will be one of the statistics. Long gone is the idea that bullying is a natural process of youth, a coming of age. It is unacceptable behaviour and the long lasting ramifications are far too great to ignore.

Before you can prepare your child for the bully, it is important to understand what constitutes this type of behaviour. Bullying is defined as aggressive behaviour repeatedly targeted at a child of lesser physical or emotional strength. However, although a child might not be the target of a bully, bystanders are also victims.

Bullying behaviour is typically classified in three categories:

1) Physical bullying is physical intimidation, hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, and/or spitting.

2) Verbal bullying is name-calling, threats, taunting, teasing, rumour spreading, and slander.

3) Social bullying is intentional exclusion and isolation from social and peer group activities by manipulation and rumour spreading.

The characteristics of a bully include impulsive, dominating behaviour, a low frustration level, a lack of empathy, a need to be the centre of attention, and unhealthy attitudes towards violence and its consequences. Although many believe insecurity and self-loathing are at the root of a bully's problem, usually the opposite is true. Bullies tend to be over confident. They portray a fearless nature and physical strength, qualities often admired by their peers.

Many factors within a child's environment can contribute to their aggressive behaviour, including family, peers group, neighbourhood, society, and school. Children who bully are more likely to experience violence or neglect in the home and have less supervision and involvement from their parents. Children picked-on by older siblings tend to become bullies themselves. Others see bullying as a means to gain acceptance, friendship, and popularity.

The victim of a bully is typically a child who appears insecure or cautious, a child that rarely defends or retaliates when confronted, and/or a child lacking in social skills or physical strength. Unfortunately, since bullies lack compassion, children with physical disabilities are also prey, and so are overweight children, and those that wear glasses or have a speech impediment. However, any child can be the victim of a bully. Bullies will also challenge popular children in attempt to gain more popularity. Sometimes it is just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The bully needs an audience. Therefore, bulling primarily occurs on school grounds and is played out in front of a group. Lunchrooms, playgrounds, hallways, locker rooms, and bathrooms are prime areas for confrontation.

The elements of confrontation include the leader (bully), the followers, the victim, and the bystanders. Research shows that over  75% of school children will be involved in some aspect of bullying before they reach high school, playing at least one, if not more of these roles.

The consequences of bullying are many. Children will go to great lengths to avoid being the victim of a bully. If they are not prepared in a positive way, they will naturally resort to negative  ways of coping such as cutting class, feigning illness, poor grades, and social withdrawal. For a child repeatedly victimized by a bully, humiliation, fear, anxiety, and depression are constant companions that can lead to harmful, shocking, and unexpected behaviour from an otherwise shy and timid child.

Victims may feel ashamed and tend to view themselves as failures. They are more prone to stress related illnesses such as headaches and stomach aches. In extreme cases, the victim of a bully can experience severe depression and entertain thoughts of suicide.

Lack of safety is a top concern to young people, and bullying is a real and constant threat. When a child's sense of security is compromised, the child usually responds by taking the role of bystander, even if the victim is a friend. This burdens a child and may cause him or her to harbour feelings of guilt because they did nothing to stop or prevent the bullying. Reasons for not reporting bullying or helping a friend in trouble include fear of retribution and exclusion as well as other personal consequences.

A lack of security deeply damages the learning environment and process. It may result in the disruption of the classroom, and preoccupy students. It can also inhibit a child's creativity and self-expression. Subsequently, this leads to poor attention spans and academic achievements suffer.

Prepare Your Child For The Bully

Teach your child to walk tall and to maintain eye contact. Body language is important in all aspects of your child's life. Portraying a positive, self-confident stature will help your child cope in many areas. Teach your child to accompany the confident posture with positive, self-affirming thoughts that valid his or her rights as a person. These affirmations will aid your child in speaking up without provoking a bully, and very well serve to defuse the situation.

The element of surprise can make the bully take a step back. Bullies like easy prey. A joke, a flip comment, or a question is an unexpected response to harassment, and might be just enough to make the bully think his actions aren't delivering the desired outcome.

Help your child to identify role models. Encourage your child to read stories that inspire. Share this time with your child and point out how strength of character and perseverance can achieve positive outcomes without resorting to violence or force.

Writing is another avenue to help your child cope. Encourage your child to keep a diary or journal. Creativity and self-expression are important and productive tools used to work through negative issues. Writing provides a safe outlet for a child. Point out the benefits of journaling positive experiences as well as expressing their feelings about bullying.

Friendships are very important. If you child has difficulties making or maintaining friends, intervene and help. Friendships are a protection against bullying. Observe and identify children that might have things in common with your child and arrange a visit. Encourage your child to join activities that will build strength and confidence.

Bullying is often considered a "kids will be kids" problem. According to the National School Safety Centre, however, bullying has become a pervasive and serious form of harassment in many schools. Dr. Dan Olweus, a professor of psychology and leading expert on bully-victim problems, reports that one child in 10 is regularly attacked either verbally or physically by bullies. Elementary school-age children are the most frequent target of bullying by older students. The best way to safeguard your children from becoming a victim of a bully is to teach them how to be assertive. This involves encouraging your children to express their feelings clearly, to say no when they feel pressured or uncomfortable, to stand up for themselves verbally without fighting, and to walk away in more dangerous situations. Bullies are less likely to intimidate children who are confident and resourceful.

Profile on Bullies

The following are traits common to bullies:

1. They are concerned with their own pleasure rather than thinking about anyone else.
2. They want power.
3. They are willing to use other people to get what they want.
4. They feel hurt inside.
5. They find it difficult to see things from someone else's perspective.

Tips for Helping Children Deal with Bullies

• Teach your children early on to steer clear of youth with bullying behaviour.

• Teach your children to be assertive rather than aggressive or violent when confronted by a bully.

• Instruct them to walk away and get help from an adult in more dangerous situations. Practice various responses with your children through role-playing.

• Teach your children to never defend themselves from bullies with a gun or other weapon.

• Keep communication lines open with your children. Encourage your children to share information about school and school-related activities.

• Pay attention to the following symptoms that may indicate your child is being bullied: withdrawal, abrupt lack of interest in school, a drop in grades, or signs of physical abuse.

• If your child is a victim of bullying at school, inform school officials immediately. Keep your own written records of the names, dates, times, and circumstances of bullying incidents. Submit a copy of this report to the school principal.

• Respond to your children's concerns and fears with patience, love and support.

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Have you had a meaningful conversation together? Do you know what your child accomplished today, how he may be feeling, whether or not he has any concerns? Does your child know that you care about him?In Islaam, the ties of kinship and family are very strong and something that will always be present throughout our lifetime. There are very serious consequences for someone who decides to break these ties.

Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) says, {Then, is it to be expected of you, if you were put in authority, that you will do mischief in the land, and break your ties of kith and kin? Such are the men whom Allah has cursed for He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.} (Qur'aan, [47]:22-23)

The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "Whoever severs the bonds of kinship will not enter Paradise." (al-Bukhari and Muslim).

A major component of our familial ties is communication. In fact, without communication there would be little connection between people. Living together in the same household with limited, or even hostile, interaction would not fit the criteria for maintaining the bonds of kinship. To develop meaningful relationships within our families we need to know how to communicate effectively and sincerely with each other. A large part of this involves skills and principles that can be learned through practice and sincere effort.

The following is a guide to strengthen these ties that bind.

1) Active Listening.

You may be surprised to discover that the most important aspect of effective communication is listening. This means that the listener pays full attention to the speaker and attempts to understand what that person is saying and feeling. The listener should suspend judgment, show interest, and respect what is being said. He or she may then restate the content and feelings to demonstrate that sincerity is present. The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) always gave his full attention to anyone that he conversed with, even his enemies and those with whom he disagreed.

In turn, when he addressed his companions, they listened intently and attached importance to everything he said.

2) Level of Understanding.

Parents should always keep in mind the age and level of understanding of their child and should speak with him accordingly. The Prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) said "Speak to the people keeping in view their level of understanding. Would you like to see them think of what you tell them from Allah and His Messenger as lies?" (al-Bukhari) This is important so that the child will be able to comprehend what is said, the expectations of the parents will not go beyond the capacity of the child and lead to problems, and difficulties will not be placed upon the child unnecessarily.

This is particularly pertinent for sensitive issues such as death, personal modesty issues, and adult responsibilities. There are various levels of complexity with each of these and the correct level needs to be chosen for each child. One way to ascertain this is by the type of questions that a child asks.

3) The Manners of a Mu'min (Believer).

A believer is someone who believes in Allah's Message and follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam). In relationships then, a believer would demonstrate honesty, kindness, patience, self-restraint, fairness, trustworthiness, etc. He would avoid teasing, blaming, belittling, mocking, excessive and idle talk, and fault-finding. There are many Qur'anic verses and ahadeeth that give detailed descriptions of this topic such as:

{Verily, Allah is with the patient.} (Qur'aan, [2]: 153), {Speak fair to the people.} (Qur'aan, [2]:83),

{Kind words and covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury.} (Qur'aan, [2]:263),

"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. He does not wrong him, nor insult him nor humiliate him." (Saheeh Muslim).

Also, "The thing which will make the majority of people enter Paradise is fear of Allah and good manners." (at-Tirmidhi)

These principles should be applied in conversations with children and teenagers as well as adults. It is probably even more important with young people because we are setting an example for them. What do we want our children to learn? We can not expect kindness and respect from our children if we are not being kind and respectful toward them.

4) Avoiding Contention.

The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "If a man gives up contention when he is in the wrong, a house will be built for him within the Garden of Paradise; but if a man gives up contention, even when he is in the right, a house will be built for him in the loftiest part of the Garden." (at-Tirmidhi) The value of this advice lies in the fact that contention and disputes lead to a breakdown in the relationship, even rancor, enmity, and hostility. I have worked with many families where this has occurred and it can be very difficult to mend the wounds that have been created and to bring family members back together. It goes without saying that it is best to completely avoid reaching this low level.

Let us all work to improve our style of communication and our relationships with each other. When our children feel that their parents understand them and are willing to listen to them, they will open up their hearts and trust will develop. Effective teaching and discipline cannot be implemented without a certain level of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. If you are concerned about your children in a non-Muslim environment and it is affecting the way you interact with them, the best you can do is teach and advise them, give them responsibility, trust them, and let them know that you care for them. We can then make du'a (supplication) and rely upon Allah's Grace and Assistance. This is our best weapon in a world of non-belief. May Allah help each of us to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family and bring happiness and contentment to our homes.  Aaameen.

Practical Tips

• Set aside some time each day to talk with your child. If you have more than one child, each should have their own equal, individual time.

• Read books with your child about Islaam that pertain to relationships with others and stories about the Prophets (peace be upon them all), and the Companions (radiallaahu 'anhum). These will provide you with the necessary guidelines and inspiration.

• Tape-record one of your conversatios and rate yourself or have others give you feedback. This is an effective method to determine your weak areas and to improve upon them.

• Obtain advice from other parents when needed, especially those who have more experience. This may save time and avoid undue hardships and pain.

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Many times parents and adults do things intentionally or unintentionally that may set a bad example to their children and other youngsters around. Below would be some such situations and advises on how to set a better example for your youngsters.

Lying

"Tell them I'm not here," we yell at our spouse or children as the telephone rings. Although we might not have noticed it, we have just set an example of lying for our children. When they see us lying, they may say to themselves that it's okay to lie. Dad and mom do it.

If we had been more conscious of our role as an example for our children, we could have avoided this mistake by telling our spouse or our children to say that we were unavailable to talk now, not that we were not at home; or by simply taking the call. But we should never lie as Muslims.

Many other "little" things that we do during the day may actually be setting bad examples for our children without us even realizing it. Remaining constantly aware of our role, as being examples for our children to imitate, might help us to avoid making such serious mistakes. 

Making False Promises to Children

For example, we should never tell them, "I will take you for ice cream if you are good," when we have no intention of taking them for ice cream. This is also lying, and if we do it, our children may lose confidence in that which we say.

Arguing

How must it feel like for children to see their mother and father yelling at each other and even hitting each other? What horror must they be feeling at that time? And how will they know what to do afterwards? Can they ever go back to the same loving relationship with their father and mother after watching them abuse each other? If we do make the mistake of arguing or fighting in front of our children and then make up later, we should be sure to include the children and even if need be, apologize to them for our immature and un-Islamic behavior.

Inshaa'Allah, they will respect us even more for admitting that we were wrong. 

Making Fun of Others

If we say, "Hey, look at that ugly guy over there! Ha! Ha! Ha!," our children may think that this is acceptable behavior. Afterward, if they publicly say something bad about somebody and we or that person gets embarrassed, we should remember that we are the ones who taught them to behave in such an unacceptable way.

Gossip

We must not gossip or speak evil about others behind their backs. Even though the victims of our gossip might not hear us, our children will. They are watching us eat the dead flesh of our brothers and sisters, and it could affect them in many ways. They might simply begin to believe that this is normal behavior, or they might be extremely disgusted with their parents for behaving in this way. Either way our children will be negatively influenced. 

Bad Radio/ Television Programs

Later, when we tell our children not to watch kissing or violence on T.V., they will see us as hypocrites and lose respect for us if do so ourselves.

As Muslims, we should of course try to be the best human beings we can possibly be. As Muslim parents, we must try even harder because our behavior will very likely have a major impact on the behavior of our children now and how they grow-up to see the world. It's not what mom and dad say; it's what mom and dad do.

Raising kids is an incredible responsibility. If we want to succeed, we must raise them with both words and actions. As human beings, we will at times do wrong and make mistakes. But please try your best and especially, NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!

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Parents worry more about their child in adolescence for the fact that this is a period of his sudden metamorphosis in life. Small children do normally mirror what parents have taught them. But in adolescence things could go different and parents need to consider their child as an individual in his own right. This difference from the parents should not only be tolerated but encouraged. Conscientious parents adjust to this reality and behave in a reassuring manner towards their child.

The Change

Adolescence is a stage that has its unique features. It is not a period of pinpoint accuracy for an individual. It can start from the age of ten or even sixteen. Generally, it is treated as the teen-age period. So, what happens at this stage?

Adolescence is a period of great change. There are the physical changes, called puberty, which include the body changes to make a child physically capable of reproduction. Then there is social change when an adolescent changes from being a child, dependent on his family, towards being independent adult. There are also the emotional changes which comes as a result of the chemical changes in the body and from coping with more and changing responsibilities.

These changes are obviously a natural progression in the human lifecycle. As boys and girls grow in distinct ways, fathers and mothers respectively should take responsibility of sailing this through without much commotion.

Privacy

An adolescent suddenly becomes conscious about himself, especially about his body. He needs privacy and often times to reflect. If parents can afford, he should be provided his own room. In any case, there should be separate rooms for brothers and sisters. Islamic adab (etiquette) of knocking at the door before entering should be applied more rigorously at this stage.

Every Child is different

Not every child grows in the same way. Some pass it through peacefully and in a smooth manner, others have turbulent time. Parents must not overreact with a child who is having a difficult time during adolescence. Any change in human phase is delicate and should be treated accordingly. After all, it is a life experience and man cannot recreate life for another experiment.

Moderation in Dealing with Adolescents

Authoritarian parents make things worse for their child. It kills off dynamism and creativity and creates simmering discontent that, most often, gives rise to rebellion at later stage. On the contrary, easy going parents are those who are either too liberal or indifferent to their child to the extent that they consider him as an adult. Guiding a child to them is patronising! This leads the young person to lose the essence of discipline in life. This could prove deadly in a society ridden with laissez faire (individualism) moral values.

The best way is the moderation, especially in dealing with an adolescent. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) always adopted moderation and opted for easy path in doing something. Parents have to be firm, fair and just in order not only to lead a happy family, but to prepare the future generation with these fundamental social qualities.

Sibling Arguments

Sibling rivalry is common in a family and it is part of their development. Parents should not over involve in this, or else they can occasionally be outplayed by the children. However, when involved, they should not be biased or look biased. They should not automatically blame the elder one for any quarrel, although it is natural to show sympathy with the little one. Sibling rivalry phases out with time.

Tools of the Trade!

Experienced and conscientious parents are aware that there are positive techniques to manage their teenaged child. The widely accepted policy of reward and sanction, if used in proper context and with honesty, lead to a successful upbringing of a child and also solve many problems. There are no rule of thumbs in family affairs. However, the following guidelines are proven to be fruitful in dealing with a teen:

• Share decision-making: Teens often come up with clever ideas that could help in decision making. At the same time, inclusion in decision-making helps them feel part of the decision.

• Be consistent: Parents should not go into frequent mood swings or bouts of unpleasantness for any reason. Teenagers may start to feel confused, or else they might start thinking that these are part of normal life.

• Confess mistakes: It needs courage and parents should show this if they make any mistake at any time with their child.

• Be principled: Success in coping with adolescence depends on the family environment based on flexibility and freedom. However, Muslim life is guided by principle and fundamental tenets of Islam.

• Talk and explain: Parents must not be bossy, especially with their teens. If necessary, they should take extra pain in talking to them and explaining things. If children feel they are pushed hard there will be a distance between the parents and the children. This can prove disastrous in future.

• Negotiate and bargain: There might arise some situation when parents have to negotiate with their teens for a better outcome. Just because parents are parents, does not mean that they are always right.

• Ignore and give them space: Adolescents often need space to get rid of their anger, depression and frustration. Parents must not always bother them and leave them alone for some time.

• Supplication: A Muslim always relies on Allah for his action and outcome.

• Guidance is from Allah alone. Al-Qur'aan has recorded that even Prophet Nuh's (peace be upon him) son became one of the transgressors. Continuous supplication for the guidance of children is thus essential for a believing parent.

Family Session

The feeling of family loyalty is important and this can be enhanced in the children when they are involved fully in the family affairs. Family sessions create opportunities for free discussions on any issue under the sun. They create cohesion and homogeneity in the family.

Involve them in Islamic Groups

There are Islamic groups, club and associations everywhere now. The teenagers should be encouraged to actively involve in one of those. Parents can help them in 'shopping around' for this, as there are some groups who are busy presenting partial or extreme view of Islaam. Parents need to educate their teens how to maintain balance in their education, family responsibility, Islamic works and social welfare works. Unbalanced life during this period can hamper their future career. Parents must watch out who their child hangs around with and positively communicate with him to reduce gap, if any. In pleasant home atmosphere, a child would not unnecessarily stay outside.

Islamic Recreation

"Entertain the hearts in between hours, for if the hearts get tired they become blind." (Sunan ad-Daylami)

Horse-riding, archery and swimming were liked by the Prophets. Innocent games and exercises are the means for physical fitness and recommended strongly in Islaam. They give innocent recreation as well. Physical fitness is the source of self-confidence and essential for serving humanity.

Friendship and the Issue of Sex

Puberty changes people's attitude towards opposite sexes, as attraction for them grows stronger. The urge for sex becomes a dominant feature. Love takes a new dimension. This is a time when passion and emotion run high. Many simply give in to their base desires and satisfy their urge in illegal and sinful way. Islaam prohibits free mixing of opposite sexes and as such the teens should be taught how to lower their gaze according to Qur'anic injunction. Overcoming and controlling them needs self-discipline, positive environment and strong family anchor.

Good company can really help an adolescent in this turning point of life. However, finding genuine friends is not always easy. Parents should be alert during this period and lend their support to their child when necessary. Bad company can ruin an adolescent's life.

School and Career

Adolescence period is also extremely important for building future career for a child. Choosing a school is thus very important. It is a basic right of a child to get a good education. Parents must look for the best school they can afford. Mixed schools should be avoided at any cost despite what many people say how important it is to know the opposite gender. If it is not at all possible, parents must be extra careful with their child's Islamic development. They should also avoid a school that has racism, bullying or Islamophobic discrimination.

Parents with gifted, talented or underachieving child should make sure provisions are being made for his needs.

Money Matters

An adolescent gets more and more responsible as he grows. He should gradually be given the opportunity to earn and spend money for himself. This gives him individual choice and freedom. In a family beset with financial difficulties this helps alleviate the situation. Suitable part-time jobs that do not hamper education can be helpful.

Responsible Man and Woman

Adolescence is a ladder to become an adult, even if one does not prepare for it. Positive parents make sure that the transition becomes smooth and Islamically sound. Conscientious parents invest in their child so that one day, when they are not there, their child replace them with full responsibility. As the Muslim world is undergoing a transition period as well, Muslim parents must succeed in bringing out the best in their future generation so that they can genuinely claim to be the 'best of nations' in the real sense of the term.

What if Crisis?

Nothing is problem-free in this world. In spite of continuous effort and supplication for a child since birth, he can have problems and create one for the family, especially in his adolescence. How do the parents tackle it? It is really hard and emotionally disturbing for the parents to deal with their problem child. However, should it unfortunately happen to any parent, professional advice should be sought without delay. Timely, professional and caring intervention inshaa'Allah brings remedy. Procrastination is the enemy. However, there is no hasty solution. In any case, parents should not easily give up.

Most important thing to remember is to control the anger and maintain justice, even in extreme situation. Some years ago an Asian father in Birmingham, England, killed his own daughter out of anger. He is now serving a life term. Anger works like a fire and ignites emotion. The Prophetic traditions on anger are illuminating,

"Anger is from Devil, Devil is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water. So, if one of you becomes angry let him perform ablution." (Aboo Daawood)

"If one of you gets angry let him be silent." (Ahmad)

"If one of you gets angry while he is standing let him sit down, and if he is still angry let him lie down." (Ahmad)

"The one who swallows up anger will be called out by Allah, the Exalted, to the forefront of the creatures on Resurrection Day and will be offered any pure-eyed virgin he will like." (Aboo Daawud, and at-Tirmidhi)