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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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I look at dealing with polygyny as I do with any other act of 'ibaadah. As Muslims we are constantly supposed to be striving to perfect our 'ibaadah of Allah, all aspects of it, whether it is perfecting our Salaat, perfecting our 'Ilm of this Deen, perfecting our abilities in being a daa'eeyah, perfecting being a righteous and pious wife and mother, etc. We should never get to a point with anything in this deen where we say, "I have done enough. I am perfect in this."

A'oodhubillah from falling into such transgression. We can never "do enough" for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala. There is always more to do, we can always do better. Hence, every act of 'ibaadah we do is a process of growth, of striving to excel and do better. This includes dealing with polygyny which maybe a sub-category of being a righteous and pious wife and a sub category of being a righteous and pious servant of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'aala.

And as we know, this life is filled with trials and tests, some we excel in and some we falter in, but from all we should ultimately proceed and strive to be better Muslims inshaa'Allah. All of that being said...when I first found out about my husband taking another wife i was...devastated. not about him taking another wife, by Allah, I had dealt with any hang-ups i may have had about polygyny way before I even met my husband alhamdulillah. I actually, upon getting to know my husband prior to marriage, anticipated that he would take another wife eventually in our marriage because of his nature, in that he is always wanting to help someone and because I felt that Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala had blessed him with such humbleness and compassion that I just knew he could be of benefit to so many more people, including another wife.

We had talked about polygyny numerous times before marrying, as well as after. He had always assured me that it was not a path he was considering, that I was all that he needed, that if it did ever happen it would be because i had suggested help for some sister in need, etc. etc. My devastation therefore stemmed, not from any dislike of polygyny itself, but from misunderstandings I had about my co-wife, as well as unrelated animosity and resentment I had towards my husband. Later on, as I began to deal with things, I came to realize that this was merely my insecurities speaking and me feeling like my husband was displeased with me and so he was marrying her. In truth, when you're in the beginning of things, you're not trying to do any self-assessment. You're too busy assessing everyone else. With all of that being said, my getting through it all was totally due to Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala. I take no credit, none whatsoever. I was devastated for about a week and then came the clarity... Then came the wisdom. Then came me really looking at the situation for what it could be. Because really the way you deal with your husband taking a second wife is all about perspective, it's about how you're looking at it. If you're looking at it as someone taking something away from you (i.e. your husband), your husband being displeased with you, you being inadequate, you, you, you, then you're bound to be in a state of devastation, denial, rejection for awhile. and may Allah remove this from the hearts of any of my sisters that are going through this or will go through this.

However, I began to look at it differently. For starters, polygyny can be yet another means of you obtaining the barakah of Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala. Even just you struggling with your emotions, with your jealousy and striving to overcome the emotional trials that you place upon yourself (for truly that's what it is, at least in the beginning) and fully accept the situation inshaa'Allah, you will receive reward from Allah. Really, ultimately, my smooth transition was totally about me trusting in the will of Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala and viewing polygyny as a means for me to obtain barakah. If my husband was going to do this than I was going to use it as another means to me seeking the pleasure of Allah. I was going to be helpful to him, cooperative, and I was even going to offer support to the sister, if she so wished, to accept it because in the end, all our actions should be for the sake of Allah.

When we do things we should be thinking, "Now, is this going to draw the pleasure of Allah or His anger?" and "is this going to be something that will get me to Jannah inshaa'Allah?" Again, it's all about perspective. If you're looking at polygyny purely from a worldly aspect, my husband is MINE perspective, you're truly missing the point of this life - which is to worship Allah, subhaahanhu wa ta'aala, in a manner that will gain you that ultimate reward, Jannah. You must remember that you're husband is not really yours; he is merely a loan from Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala, in this life and inshaa'Allah in the next and you are not the true possessor of anything.

Before I end I do also want to say that in addition to my own self reflection coping strategies, I was blessed to have wonderful sisters in my life that gave me the most beautiful naseehah and support throughout the entire process and constantly reminded me of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala. I made sure that whoever i confided in, I knew they would be honest, sincere, and would stick to Qur'aan and Sunnah. Not baseless opinion, assumption, and conjecture. I didn't call someone that i knew would fuel the fire which shaytaan was trying to ignite.

I was also, alhamdulillah, open with my husband about my feelings, fears, desires and needs. This is perhaps one of the most important things, don't shut your husband out and don't let him shut you out. I'm telling you, this whole situation has brought me and my husband closer and that is because I was honest with him from the beginning and I continue to be. You know, he said something to me around the time that I first found out, when I was in rebellion mode and was on that, "Well, I'm going to stay with you and fulfill your rights as my husband, but that's about it. Nothing more, nothing less." We got into a discussion of how some sisters, in dealing with their husband taking on another wife fall into the role of merely "functioning" in the marriage. It's like, they're not there because they want to be; they're just there to play a role. And so, my husband said to me,

"You can either be A WIFE, or you can be THE WIFE."

Over time i have come to realize that polygyny is a means for us to be the ultimate wife, but not only that, the ultimate companion for our husband. You want to strive to be as beloved to your husband as 'Aa'ishah, radhee Allahu 'anhaa, was to Rasoolullah (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam). She was more beloved to him than all her other co-wives. Competition with your co-wife is not a bad thing; in fact I would say it's inevitable. However, make sure you compete in those things that are pleasing to Allah and that will gain His pleasure. Compete in being a better Muslimah, in perfecting your eemaan. Compete in those things that will gain both the pleasure of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala and the pleasure of your husband.

Use polygyny to your advantage. and see it as an honor to be chosen by the Will of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala, to be in a plural marriage. The best of women, the Mothers of the Believers, were co-wives subhaanAllah. As we know, Allah does not place a burden on a Believer that they cannot bear, so if He chooses polygyny for you, you best believe that you can handle it, as long as you trust in Him.

Source: An excerpt from the book: 'Polygynous Blessings: Musings of a Muslim Wife'.

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With the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Bestower of Mercy

"Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return". (Al-Baqarah, 2:245)

Narrated Abu Musa (radhi-allaahu 'anhu): The Prophet (sallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, "A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other." While saying that the Prophet (sallahu alayhi wa sallam) clasped his hands, by interlacing his fingers.  (Bukhaari vol. 1, hadith # 468)

The first advice that I was given thirteen years ago regarding polygyny was given to me by an elder sister who had been in polygyny with two co-wives. She only said to me,

"Polygyny is not easy, you are going to have to have patience."

This I found to be true, I would like to share with you the blessing Allah bestowed upon me thirteen years ago.

***

At first I didn't know how to react to my co-wife, we lived in the same apartment building, so I knew that we had to see each other. My first week there I made it a point to give her warm salaams and begin a cordial converstion with her. The first meeting of ours seemed as if we both were nervous, both not knowing what to expect from each other. It went well, we spoke briefly, alhamduillah, we broke the ice.

Mind you in the eight years that we were co wives the first couple of years we really got to know each other and of course we both had our jealousies and sometimes misunderstandings. We did not try and force ourselves upon each other, but when either one of us needed a ride we helped each other, our husband took us places together, we studied Arabic together, we did functions for the masjid together, we went to the slaughter house for the Aqiqah of our children together and we were pregnant three times at the same time together. We began the practice during the month of Ramadhaan to alternate weekends for iftaars to one another homes.

Our children played together, studied together and worked together. Some weekends my children would go to her home and some weekends her children would come to mine. Our relationship grew out of mutual respect. We even opened a business together. I must say that when she and I did talk, she spoke of fearing Allaah and issues of the deen mainly. Of course we also talked of womanly issues such as sewing, cooking, the children. We both admitted that polygyny was hard at first, most things foreign to someone is. I remember one talk we had, it was about fearing Allaah and knowing that Allaah tests us with things. We realised that whatever went on in our homes did not need to be broadcast to the community and we tried to curb the phone calls being made to us with useless speech.

Although we are no longer co-wives I still love her very much for Allaah's sake, Allah gave me a good friend. I've noticed when trials have happened in my home I have called her first on the phone to talk and to sometimes cry, even now. What at first seemed hard Allah made easy going, Alhamduillah.

About four years ago I was called to wash a body of a sister,  she had a co-wife. Her co-wife assisted in washing and preparing her body, to see the pain on her face is something that I will never forget. She too loved her co-wife and Allaah had called her co-wife back. The sister attended to her deceased co-wife's Janaazah to make sure things were done as proper as could be. She seemed very serious about this, she loved her departed sister.

Here is the reality, we were placed upon this earth to worship Allaah, alone. We are going to have trials and we must call on Allaah to help us with them. You sisters that feel anger and jealousy, think more about the grave, think more about your meeting with Allaah, ask youself, is harboring ill feelings worth wasting precious time that could be spent on good deeds to try and please Allah. This is a reality, we all must die, who is the first to say that they are ready and that they don't have anything to worry about? Do we really have time to spare on anything other than worshipping and trying to please Allaah? And if polygyny is in the Qadr for you then accept it, deal with it. Read about how the Mothers of the Believers dealt with it. Read about how the Sahaabiyaat dealt with it. Turn to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of our Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) to deal with it. Throw your hands up in sincere du'a and ask Allaah to help you to deal with it, for sure Allaah, subhaanahu wa ta'aala, is the best of Planners. He knows what we do not know and he knows what is best for us.

May Allaah Subhana wa ta'ala bless us with good in this world and in the next, and may he save us from the hellfire and the torment of the grave, aameen.

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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As an American woman embracing Islam, there are often hurdles and challenges to be met. One of the most difficult aspects of Islam for me to accept was the permissibility of polygyny. The very thought of it seemed so bizarre and I chose to ignore it rather than accept it or to ever take part in it.

I embraced Islam about seven years ago. This was also the beginning of a long struggle in search of the perfect husband and father-figure for my children and me. I was provided a guardian (Wali) by my community in order to handle this matter in the correct manner as to avoid mixing unnecessarily with other men, as well as to protect my best interests.

It was a difficult process as most of the brothers that showed interest in marrying me were looking for a second wife. It seemed that there were no single brothers looking for a wife who already had children.

Almost a year of searching (I was feeling very desperate!), my guardian (Wali) was approached by another brother. Ofcourse he too was searching for a second wife after moving to this country because of political and economical reasons. My guardian (Wali) informed me that he seemed very sincere. He needed another wife as he planned on being in the U.S. for several years and wanted to avoid living in haraam (i.e.  impermissable relationships, actions, thoughts). The brother came here wiith the hope of providing better circumstances for his family overseas. To my dismay he had several children, didn't speak English, and did not have any formal education as he started working from the time he was thirteen years old! He was even older than I preferred. However, I was informed that he is a good provider and a hard, skilled worker.

I still refused to meet him because I did not want to be apart of a plural marriage. How could I share a man with another woman? How could I compete with the bond that they must share having had several children together? Where would I fit in and how could I compete with all that it entails? Besides, he wasn't even educated! I couldn't imagine how he could possibly support the large family he already had as well as another family! Not to mention he was not a legal resident and I feared he was looking for a green card. It did not matter that I was desperate, I still would not agree to such circumstances. I would just continue to wait for the right person to come along.

Praise be to Allah! A couple of weeks later, another brother was interested in meeting with me! He was only a couple of years older than I, never married, and had no children. Not only that, he was educated (working on his Ph.D.), fluent in English and a legal resident! I was so excited to meet him I could hardly wait! He sounded like the ideal husband!

Right away, we met with each other and talked (with my Wali present of course). We both felt that we were perfect for each other. We were eventually married and we both felt very blessed. All of my prayers were being answered and my search had finally come to an end. I was so relieved and excited to begin a new life with my new husband. We packed all my belongings and moved to the state he resided in. I felt that my life could not be more perfect than it was now!

Well, sisters, I couldn't be more wrong. After the move, my life started to fall apart really fast. Almost immediately, I could see signs of conflict between us. I couldn't believe it! My world came crashing down on me! I could actually see it happening right in front of my face, but I could not stop it from happening. Two people never clashed as much as we did! How could this be happening to me? We disagreed about everything! We simply were not compatible. However, I was determined not to lose this marriage! I never wanted anything more badly than I wanted this marriage! I couldn't understand why this was happening when our marriage was based on Islam. We continued talking but neither one of us could understand what the other was saying. Eventually we were like enemies and it was getting really ugly. I began despising the way he talked, walked, laughed, etc (I am sure he felt the same way.) At this point we both felt that divorce was the only answer. I felt like a total failure and I was so ashamed! I could never return home and be the talk of the community! My Eemaan (faith) had dropped very low. I only wanted to disappear.

I contacted my Wali's wife and she gave me the number of a very nice sister in another state. I called her (Maa shaa' Allah) and she agreed to help me relocate to where she lived (this state was even further away!). Consider me crazy but I decided to go for it! I felt that I had nothing else to lose. I loaded all of my belongings in the back of a U-Haul trailer and we left for our new home. I was really scared. The drive was about 17 hours long and I had never driven for more than three hours by myself. I would just have to think of it as an adventure and say Bismillah!

The next day, I arrived at my final destination. I found the home of this very sweet Muslim sister (Maa shaa' Allah). Previously, I had spoken to her briefly on the phone and never actually met her in person. I was pleasantly surprised to see a sister in Niqaab come out and greet me so warmly. I was so exhausted from driving (especially on the freeways in this large city). My Niqaabi sister was so enthusiastic; I soon forgot my troubles. She drove me all over the city in search of an apartment. Alhamdulillah by the end of the day Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa) provided me with an apartment in a really nice community with several other Muslim families. The apartment manager skipped the credit check, as that would have taken more time! Everything happened so smoothly with such ease, that I knew that this was what Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa) wanted for me. I felt I had made the right choice by moving there.

The very next day, Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa) provided me with a job! I started right away. My employer was Muslim and didn't mind that I wore hijab. For once I felt happy and at peace with myself. I started to feel that maybe it wasn't meant for me to be married and that I was probably better off single. I started making many friends right away. I met so many nice isters and my Eemaan was becoming stronger once again.

After my 'Iddah (waiting period), a Muslim Sister approached me in my apartment complex. She wanted to know if I was interested in getting married again and insisted that she had the perfect brother for me. A little reluctant, I listened to what she had to say. She explained to me that he lived in my home state and that he was a hard worker and a good Muslim. He was very close friends with her husband so he wasn't a complete stranger. Then she came to the, "...he's looking for a second wife part." (Not that again!!!) I immediately told her I was not interested in a polygynous relationship. She understood how I felt and did not pressure me any further.

That very evening, I went to bed thinking how awful it would feel to be a woman and share your husband with another woman. I could never be a part of that! I felt that I was too jealous and selfish of a person. I felt so angry that men could do that to their wives. I couldn't even imagine how these women must feel.

The next morning I awoke thinking about the brother who wanted a second wife. Somehow, SubhaanaAllah, my heart felt lighter thinking about it. I actually began contemplating marriage as a second wife! (Imagine that!) I started thinking of all the positives that could result from this marriage. After all, he did have previous experience with women and children (a major problem in my previous marriage). Because of his experience and age (maturity) I felt that he might be better prepared to deal with my children and me.

That same morning I contacted the sister and asked her for more information about this brother and told her that I might be interested (And sisters, the entire time I was thinking that I must be out of my mind!) The sister explained to me that this very sincere brother was looking for a good, practicing Muslim wife. He wanted her to be a part of his family and eventually return home with him to his native country. She went on to tell me that he does not speak any English and is not formally educated. He had been a hard worker from the time he was 13 years old. (Wait a minute! This sounds too familiar!!! Could this possibly be the same brother I refused to meet over one and a half years ago?! That would be impossible considering, that this Sister is not familiar with any of my friends back home - over 4 states away!) After inquiring, she informed me of his name and where he worked. After our conversation ended, I immediately called a friend of mine whose husband knew the brother I previously refused to meet.

SubhaanaAllah! It was the very same brother! I was totally shocked! (Could this be a sign from Allah ('azza wa jall)?) I knew now that I had to meet him. I shared the news with my friend and she immediately arranged for her husband to talk to the brother and arrange a meeting. The brother drove to meet me (a 17 hour drive) a couple of days later. Upon meeting him, I knew right away that this brother was for me! We were both very pleased with each other. Two days later we were married at the masjid.

Alhamdulillah we have now been married going on 4 years now and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Allah ('azza wa jall) has filled our hearts with love for each other that continuously grows. I previously believed that I would have to make too many sacrifices being part of a plural marriage. I now know that I have gained more than I have lost alhamdulillah! My life is now richer than it has ever been. I now have a wonderful, large family who love and care for my children and me. My children adore their stepfather and he adores them. My husband's other wife (maa shaa' Allah) is my sister and friend and I love her dearly. Her children are like my own; I love them and they love me as well. We all have the same goals and want what is best for all of us.

And yes, alhamdulillah my husband loves his other wife tremendously, and for that I love and respect him even more. I wouldn't want it any other way! He informs us that he loves both of us in the same way that a mother has room in her heart to love all of her children, yet differently (because we are both different), although at the same time equally (as can be expected). He only speaks kind words about each of us and at the same time is careful to try not to create jealousy or animosity between us. Of course I was jealous at first, (and so was she) as this is normal, however those feelings eventually turned into love and compassion for my sister.

Allah (ta'aalaa) has been so good to me alhamdulillah! My husband (maa shaa' Allah) supports all of us financially with Allah's help! Even without a college degree or a high paying corporal job. I have to admit that there were some difficulties at times when it comes to language barriers, but nothing we can't overcome with patience. My husband now speaks English well, and my knowledge of Arabic has greatly increased.

So Sisters, I just wanted to share my experience with you. Never say "never" because if it's Allah's will, you can't avoid it. You can run (like I did) but you can't hide from what Allah ('azza wa jall) has planned for you. The most important thing to do is to put your faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aalaa) and surrender to Him. He has the ability to change and soften our hearts in any matter. Allah ('azza wa jall) knows best and may He continue to guide us all on the right path. Aameen.

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Category: Polygyny/ Polygamy

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The following interview was taken with two co-wives living in Australia.

The first wife, Khadijah (not her real name), has three children and the second wife, Amina (not her real name), was single with six children when she married into this situation. Khadijah and Amina knew each other for a long time before the second marriage.

"I have always admired her," said Khadijah.

Khadijah's family roots are in South Africa, but she said, "Culturally speaking, I'm Australian."

The husband is Algerian, and Amina is a revert to Islam and an Australian.

Khadijah and Amina agree that there are a number of polygynous marriages that are not successful. However, both wives believe that the fact that their husband has traveled a lot has taught him much wisdom and has enriched his thinking.

Khadijah

Khadijah had to defend polygyny many times, even to her Muslim relatives, who, one would think, would know better.

"If I'm upset, they blame my marriage situation."

Khadijah admits that, in the beginning, she had low self-esteem, but it got better after her husband remarried.

I've grown through the experience, because the situation forced me to grow," she said.

Her family and cultural background had taught her to think that she would be put on the shelf with this kind of marital arrangement. On the contrary, Khadijah was part of the process of her husband getting remarried, and that made her happy.

"I supported him through it and left the decision to him."

When the wedding day arrived, Khadijah attended the wedding.

"I was criticized by my family and friends, and I told them it was none of their business and that it was important for me to go. Both my husband and Amina wanted me to be there. I've shared all my life with him and this was part of his life."

"I love my husband and if he's happy, I'm happy. I want to be loved and cared for, and that has never changed."

Khadijah believes that society is insecure with itself.

"When this kind of marriage works out, it becomes scary for people because they are worried that it might happen to them and that they will not be able to cope. They are actually happy when they think there are problems and are very happy if it doesn't work out. I wouldn't find it a problem if my husband decided to marry a third wife. I've been through it before, so I'd be o.k.."

The only problem Khadijah can foresee is that it would be emotionally difficult to spend less time with her husband, as the days would have to be shared three ways instead of two.

Amina

When Amina looks back, she wonders how she ever managed.

"The biggest thing for me as a single mother was the level of responsibility when making important decisions as there was no one to consult with."

In the beginning of the new marriage, it was difficult for her to get the older children used to the idea of sharing a family. Now after two and a half years, the oldest daughter, now in her late teens, says if her mother is happy, she is happy. She sees that the family is content and stable, and that's what really matters.

Amina was not sure how her non-Muslim family would react because this kind of marriage is unusual to them. Khadijah began speaking to them about polygyny for some time before Amina remarried, allowing them time to think about it and understand better.

Now they are fine with the arrangement and she still visits them.

"They just want me to be happy," said Amina.

Common Ground

Khadijah feels it is an advantage to have had some years alone with her husband, which built a strong relationship. Amina commented,

"It takes longer for bonding to occur as the second wife, so patience is necessary."

"I respect the fact that he respects the privacy of each wife," commented Khadijah.

Both Khadijah and Amina agreed that there is always a part of a husband's life that isn't the wife's business. Sometimes the co-wives might notice that something is troubling him, but their husband cannot talk about it.

Both wives agreed to give permission for him to stay with the other wife before and after giving birth. They admit that when they do something like that — something noble — they feel enriched. They are happy that they live in separate houses and consider it to be healthy to be apart. Being too close together could breed jealousy and bad feelings. They stay in touch and visit each other as they live only a ten-minute drive away from each other.

The children have grown up with this marriage arrangement and therefore find it normal. They feel secure in what is a strong family network. Khadijah is very calm with the children, and this has an affect on the parenting style of the second wife, Amina.

"I feel secure, so that if something happens to me, my kids will be o.k., and if something happens to our husband, we have each other. I admire the way Khadijah communicates with the children. She is an interactive and very loving mother. I always see her being positive and active. She makes me feel like a part of the family and the children feel that way too," said Amina.

If someone asks the children how many brothers and sisters they have, they always include the children from both families. As this marriage has worked out, the children might not rule out a similar marriage situation for their future. Amina's eldest daughter has been in this family set-up for two and a half years and commented,

"I look at this kind of marriage as a maybe. I'm just open-minded about it. It depends on many things."

Khadijah said that many of her friends have been supportive even though personally they would not accept to be in such a marriage. Sometimes people feel that the second wife is a "home breaker" or that there must have been something wrong with the first wife which made the husband seek another one. Both women commented that people are often disappointed because they are actually friends. People are even more disappointed that there are no major problems.

Advice for Men

A man who is thinking of taking a second wife who has children has to remember that it is a huge responsibility. He will have an already established family that has its own ways. It will not be like his present family. It's a different one with a different character and dynamics. He has to take its members as they are, without being determined to change them too much.

He has to be flexible and not expect to get his own way in everything. At the same time, he has to be very clear in giving the new family boundaries and offer a sense of security to the children. He will have to possess leadership qualities, be assertive, have a strong identity, and not be easily manipulated. A husband with two wives will have to be wise, fair, patient, and have good self-esteem.

Khadijah commented,

"People must be sure their marriage is stable before considering this kind of marriage, and the first wife has to feel secure within herself."

Advantages

The man will marry someone who already has experience with children, and both wives will have time with their children when the husband is at the home of the other wife.

"It takes the pressure off a bit, and I get time to myself," said Khadijah.

As for the second wife's point of view, she knows he understands how to make a marriage work. Khadijah and Amina noted that no one should go into a second marriage thinking that it will fix the problems in the first one.

Because the relationship between Khadijah and Amina is good, they can send their children to each other's homes for a visit and feel assured that the children will be well taken care of.

Khadijah said that she learned a lot about raising children from Amina. Amina is very calm and never raises her voice even though she has six children.

Amina said,

"The house is very happy and loving,"

and referring to Khadijah,

"I know she will always be there for me."

Disadvantages

Polygyny is actually worse for the husband. The co-wives have their own place and are stable, but the husband has to:

• Struggle to keep up with both homes without a break.
• Shoulder a lot of responsibility.
• Solve each family's own set of problems.
• Take care of two lots of children (take them to school, the doctor, extracurricular activities, and so on).

"There are many more advantages for the cowives,"

Khadijah and Amina agreed. Both Khadijah and Amina said it is better to love the one your husband loves.

Final Word

For the marriages to be successful, everyone has to play their part. The relationship could be strong, but bad behavior could break everything that has been built up.

Generally, human relations are fragile, so even if the marriage failed, it would not be because of polygyny itself, but because of the behavior.

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The wisdom in limiting the number of wives specifically to four:

"...This is from the completeness of His blessing and Shari'ah, and is in accordance with His wisdom, mercy, and benefit for His servants. This is because one of the purposes of marriage is sexual intercourse and the fulfillment of one's desire, and from the people are those who are overtaken by their desire, and are not satisfied with one. Therefore, He allowed him (the man) a second, third, and fourth one (i.e. three additional wives)...and the Legislator has attached numerous rulings to this number (three), as He has allowed the migrant to remain in Makkah for three days after completing his rituals, and allowed the traveller to wipe over his footwear for three days, and made the preferred length of hosting a guest to be three days..."

The wisdom in allowing multiple spouses for the man, in exclusion to the woman:

"...this is from the completeness of the Wisdom of the Exalted Lord, and His goodness and mercy towards His servants, and His taking their interests into account. He (Allah, 'azza wa jall) is Exalted above doing anything other than this, and His Sharee'ah (Legislation) is far from coming with other than this. If it was allowed for the woman to have two or more husbands, the world would be ruined, and progeny would be lost, and the husbands would end up killing each other, and a crisis would ensue, and the Fitnah (trials, tribulations) would become severe, and war would erupt. And how can the affair of the woman remain firm when she has bickering partners? And how can the affair of these partners themselves remain firm? That is why, the coming of the Sharee'ah with what it came with of opposition to this is from the greatest of proofs of the wisdom, mercy, and consideration of the Legisator.

So, if it is said, "How can the interests of the man be taken into account, with his being able to marry whom he wants, fulfill his desire, and move from one woman to the next in accordance with his desires and needs - all while the needs of the woman are just like his needs, and the desires of the woman are just like his desires?"

We answer: It is from the nature of the woman to be concealed behind the walls and hidden in the dept hs of her ho me, and her moods are cooler than that of the man, and her outer and inner movements are less than his movements, and the man has been given strength and intensity that leads his desire more so than with the woman, and he has been tested with what she has not been tested with, he is granted the choice of having multiple spouses that is not available to the woman. This is from what Allah has set aside exclusively for the male, and has preferred for them over women, just as He has preferred for them Messengership, Prophethood, Khilafah (Caliphate), kingship and leadership, governance, Jihaad, etc. over women. Also, He has made men to be guardians over women, traversing about for the purpose of looking after their best interests, constantly on the lookout for means of sustaining them, encountering dangers, and exposing themselves to all types of hardships in the path of doing what is best for their wives. Therefore, the Exalted Lord is Thankful and Forbearing, and He thanks them for this, and has compensated them by instilling for them what He did not instill for their wives.

And if you compare the fatigue, hardship, and efforts of the man in fulfilling the interests of the women with what the women have to endure of jealousy, you would find that the man's share of having to endure this fatigue, hardship, and effort is much greater than what the women have to endure of jealousy..." 

He continues:

"As for the one who says that the d esire of the woman is even more than that of the man, this is not the case. The driving force behind the desire is fervor (lit. heat). So, where is the fervor o f the woman in comparison to the fervor of the male?

...And from that which proves this is that if a man has intercourse with his wife, he can have intercourse with other women in the same time frame, and the Prophet used to go around to all of his wives in a single night, and Sulayman went to 90 women in a single night, and it is known that with each woman, he displays desire and fervor that drives him to have intercourse.

The woman, on the other hand, if the man fulfills his desire with her, becomes exhausted, and does not seek to fulfill her desire with any additional man within that time frame.

So, the wisdom of of the Decree, Legislation, Creation, and Command is implemented, and praise is for Allah."

Reference: I'laam al-Muwaqqi'een, 2/64-66.

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Muslims are often accused of being promiscuous because polygamy is legal in Islam, even though Islam did not actually introduce polygamy. Unrestricted polygamy was practiced in most human societies throughout the world in every age. Islam regulated polygamy by limiting the number of wives and establishing responsibility in its practice.

Monogamy of the West has been inherited from Greece and Rome, where men were restricted by law to one wife but were free to have as many mistresses among the majority slave population as they wished. In the West today, most married men have extramarital relations with mistresses, girlfriends and prostitutes. Consequently the Western claim to monogamy is false.

Monogamy is illogical. If a man wishes to have a second wife whom he takes care of and whose children carry his name and he provides for them, he is considered a criminal, bigamist, who may be sentenced to years in jail. However, if he has numerous mistresses and illegitimate children his relation is considered legal.

There is normally a surplus of women in most of our societies. The surplus is a result of men dying in wars, violent crimes and women outliving men. The upsurge in homosexuality further increases the problem. If systems do not cater to the need of surplus women it will result in corruption in society. For example, Germany after World War II, when suggestions to legalize polygamy were rejected by the Church. This resulted in the legalization of prostitution. German prostitutes are considered as workers like any other profession. They receive health benefits and pay taxes like any other citizen. Furthermore, the rate of marriage has been steadily declining as each succeeding generation finds the institution of marriage more and more irrelevant.

Western anthropologists argue that polygamy is a genetic trait by which the strongest genes of the generation are passed on. Example, the lion king, the strongest of the pack, monopolizes the females thereby insuring that the next generation of lion cubs will be his offspring.

Institutional polygamy prevents the spread of diseases like Herpes and AIDS. Such venereal diseases spread in promiscuous societies where extra-marital affairs abound.

Polygamy protects the interests of women and children in society. Men, in Western society make the laws; they prefer to keep polygamy illegal because it absolves them of responsibility. Legalized polygamy would require them to spend on their additional wives and their offspring. Monogamy allows them to enjoy extra-marital affairs without economic consequence.

Only a minority will practice polygamy in Muslim societies. In spite of polygamy being legal in Muslim countries, only 10-15% of Muslims in these countries practice polygamy. Although the majority of men would like to have more than one wife, they cannot afford the expense of maintaining more than one family. Even those who are financially capable of looking after additional families are often reluctant due to the psychological burdens of handling more than one wife. The family problems and marital disputes are multiplied in plural marriages.

Conditions have been added for polygamy in many Muslim countries. For example, in Egypt, the permission of the first wife must first be obtained. This and similar conditions are a result of colonial domination. Such a condition, in fact, negates the permission given by God in the Qur'aan.

Others have accepted polygamy on condition that it won't be performed out of "lust". That is, if the wife is ill, or unable to bear children, or unable to fulfill the husband's sexual needs, etc., taking a second wife is acceptable. Otherwise it becomes "lust" on the husband's part and is consequently not acceptable. The reality is that "lust" was involved in the marriage of the first wife. Why is it acceptable in the case of the first and not the second? As has already been pointed out, men are polygamous by nature. To try to curb it by such conditions will only lead to corruption in society.

Feminists may object to this male right by insisting that women should also be able to practice polygamy. However, a woman marrying four husbands would only increase the problem of surplus women. Furthermore, no child would accept his or her mother identifying the father by the "iny miny miney mo" method. The question which remains is, “If God is good and wishes good for His creatures, why did he legislate something which would be harmful to most women?” Divine legislation looks at the society as a whole seeking to maximize benefit. If a certain legislation benefits the majority of the society and causes some emotional harm to a minority, the general welfare of society is given precedence.

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An Ancient Practice

Polygamy is a very ancient practice found in many human societies. The Bible did not condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy. King Solomon is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (Kings 11:3) Also, king David is said to have had many wives and concubines. (Samuel 5:13) The Old Testament does have some injunctions on how to distribute the property of a man among his sons from different wives. (Deut. 22:7) The only restriction on polygamy is a ban on taking a wife's sister as a rival wife. (Lev. 18:18) The Talmud advises a maximum of four wives. (Swidler, op. cit., pp. 144-148.)

European Jews continued to practice polygamy until the sixteenth century. Oriental Jews regularly practiced polygamy until they arrived in Israel where it is forbidden under civil law. However, under religious law which overrides civil law in such cases, it is permissible. (Hazleton, op. cit., pp 44-45.)

What about the New Testament? According to Father Eugene Hillman in his insightful book, Polygamy reconsidered,

"Nowhere in the New Testament is there any explicit commandment that marriage should be monogamous or any explicit commandment forbidding polygamy." (Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches (New York: Orbis Books, 1975) p. 140.)

Moreover, Jesus has not spoken against polygamy though it was practiced by the Jews of his society. Father Hillman stresses the fact that the Church in Rome banned polygamy in order to conform to the Greco-Roman culture (which prescribed only one legal wife while tolerating concubinage and prostitution). He cited St. Augustine,

"Now indeed in our time, and in keeping with Roman custom, it is no longer allowed to take another wife."(Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches (New York: Orbis Books, 1975) p. 17.)

African churches and African Christians often remind their European brothers that the Church's ban on polygamy is a cultural tradition and not an authentic Christian injunction.

Polygamy Limited in the Qur'aan

The Qur'aan, too, allowed polygamy, but not without restrictions, "If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one."(Qur'aan, [4]:3)

The Qur'aan, contrary to the Bible, limited the maximum number of wives to four under the strict condition of treating the wives equally and justly. It should not be understood that the Qur'aan is exhorting the believers to practice polygamy, or that polygamy is considered as an ideal. In other words, the Qur'aan has "tolerated" or "allowed" polygamy, and no more, but why? Why is polygamy permissible? The answer is simple: there are places and times in which there are compelling social and moral reasons for polygamy.

As the above Quranic verse indicates, the issue of polygamy in Islam cannot be understood apart from community obligations towards orphans and widows. Islam as a universal religion suitable for all places and all times could not ignore these compelling obligations.

Women Outnumber

In most human societies, females outnumber males. In the U.S. there are, at least, eight million more women than men. In a country like Guinea there are 122 females for every 100 males. In Tanzania, there are 95.1 males per 100 females. (Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches and New York: Orbis Books, 1975) p. 88-93.) What should a society do towards such unbalanced sex ratios? There are various solutions, some might suggest celibacy, others would prefer female infanticide (which still happens in some societies in the world today!). Others may think the only outlet is that the society should tolerate all manners of sexual permissiveness: prostitution, sex out of wedlock, homosexuality, etc. For other societies, like most African societies today, the most honorable outlet is to allow polygamous marriage as a culturally accepted and socially respected institution. The point that is often misunderstood in the West is that women in other cultures do not necessarily look at polygamy as a sign of women's degradation. For example, many young African brides, whether Christians or Muslims or otherwise, would prefer to marry a married man who has already proved himself to be a responsible husband. Many African wives urge their husbands to get a second wife so that they do not feel lonely. (Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches (New York: Orbis Books, 1975) p. 92-97.)

A survey of over six thousand women, ranging in age from 15 to 59, conducted in the second largest city in Nigeria showed that 60 percent of these women would be pleased if their husbands took another wife. Only 23 percent expressed anger at the idea of sharing with another wife. Seventy-six percent of the women in a survey conducted in Kenya viewed polygamy positively. In a survey undertaken in rural Kenya, 25 out of 27 women considered polygamy to be better than monogamy. These women felt polygamy can be a happy and beneficial experience if the co-wives cooperate with each other. (Philip L. Kilbride, Plural Marriage For Our Times and Westport, Conn.: Bergin & Garvey, 1994) pp. 108-109.)

Polygamy in most African societies is such a respectable institution that some Protestant churches are becoming more tolerant of it. A bishop of the Anglican Church in Kenya declared that,

"Although monogamy may be ideal for the expression of love between husband and wife, the church should consider that in certain cultures polygyny is socially acceptable and that the belief that polygyny is contrary to Christianity is no longer tenable." (The Weekly Review, Aug. 1, 1987.)

After a careful study of African polygamy, Reverend David Gitari of the Anglican Church has concluded that polygamy, as ideally practiced, is more Christian than divorce and remarriage as far as the abandoned wives and children are concerned. (Kilbride, op. cit., p. 126.) I personally know of some highly educated African wives who, despite having lived in the West for many years, do not have any objections against polygamy. One of them, who lives in the U.S., solemnly exhorts her husband to get a second wife to help her in raising the kids.

The problem of the unbalanced sex ratios becomes truly problematic at times of war. Native American Indian tribes used to suffer highly unbalanced sex ratios after wartime losses. Women in these tribes, who in fact enjoyed a fairly high status, accepted polygamy as the best protection against indulgence in indecent activities. European settlers, without offering any other alternative, condemned this Indian polygamy as 'uncivilised'. (John D'Emilio and Estelle B. Freedman, Intimate Matters: A history of Sexuality in America (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1988) p. 87.)

It is interesting to note that in an international youth conference held in Munich in 1948 the problem of the highly unbalanced sex ratio in Germany was discussed. When it became clear that no solution could be agreed upon, some participants suggested polygamy. The initial reaction of the gathering was a mixture of shock and disgust. However, after a careful study of the proposal, the participants agreed that it was the only possible solution. Consequently, polygamy was included among the conference final recommendations. (Sabiq, op. cit., p. 191)

In 1987, a poll conducted by the student newspaper at the university of California at Berkeley asked the students whether they agreed that men should be allowed by law to have more than one wife in response to a perceived shortage of male marriage candidates in California. Almost all of the students polled approved of the idea. One female student even stated that a polyganous marriage would fulfil her emotional and physical needs while giving her greater freedom than a monogamous union. (Lang, op. cit., p. 172.) In fact, this same argument is also used by the few remaining fundamentalist Mormon women who still practice polygamy in the U.S. They believe that polygamy is an ideal way for a woman to have both a career and children since the wives help each other care for the children. (Kilbride, op. cit., pp. 72-73.)

Wars, Widows and Children

After the second world war, there were 7,300,000 more women than men in Germany (3.3 million of them were widows). There were 100 men aged 20 to 30 for every 167 women in that age group. (Ute Frevert, Women in German History: from Bourgeois Emancipation to Sexual Liberation (New York: Berg Publishers, 1988) pp. 263-264.) Many of these women needed a man not only as a companion but also as a provider for the household in a time of unprecedented misery and hardship. The soldiers of the victorious Allied Armies exploited these women's vulnerability. Many young girls and widows had liaisons with members of the occupying forces. Many American and British soldiers paid for their pleasures in cigarettes, chocolate, and bread. Children were overjoyed at the gifts these strangers brought. A 10 year old boy on hearing of such gifts from other children wished from all his heart for an 'Englishman' for his mother so that she need not go hungry any longer. (Ute Frevert, Women in German History: from Bourgeois Emancipation to Sexual Liberation (New York: Berg Publishers, 1988) pp. 257-258.) We have to ask our own conscience at this point: What is more dignifying to a woman? An accepted and respected second wife as in the native Indians' approach, or a virtual prostitute as in the 'civilised' Allies approach? In other words, what is more dignifying to a woman, the Quranic prescription or the theology based on the culture of the Roman Empire?

The world today possesses more weapons of mass destruction than ever before and the European churches might, sooner or later, be obliged to accept polygamy as the only way out. Father Hillman has thoughtfully recognized this fact,

"It is quite conceivable that these genocidal techniques (nuclear, biological, chemical..) could produce so drastic an imbalance among the sexes that plural marriage would become a necessary means of survival....Then contrary to previous custom and law, an overriding natural and moral inclination might arise in favour of polygamy. In such a situation, theologians and church leaders would quickly produce weighty reasons and biblical texts to justify a new conception of marriage." (Hillman, op. cit., p. 12.)

The Answer for many Social Ills

To the present day, polygamy continues to be a viable solution to some of the social ills of modern societies. The communal obligations that the Qur'aan mentions in association with the permission of polygamy are more visible at present in some Western societies than in Africa. For example, In the United States today, there is a severe gender crisis in the black community. One out of every twenty young black males may die before reaching the age of 21. For those between 20 and 35 years of age, homicide is the leading cause of death. (Nathan Hare and Julie Hare, ed., Crisis in Black Sexual Politics (San Francisco: Black Think Tank, 1989) p. 25.) Besides, many young black males are unemployed, in jail, or on dope. (Ibid., p. 26.) As a result, one in four black women, at age 40, has never married, as compared with one in ten white women. (Kilbride, op. cit., p. 94.) Moreover, many young black females become single mothers before the age of 20 and find themselves in need of providers. The end result of these tragic circumstances is that an increasing number of black women are engaged in what is called 'man-sharing'. (Ibid., p. 95.) That is, many of these hapless single black women are involved in affairs with married men. The wives are often unaware of the fact that other women are 'sharing' their husbands with them.

Some observers of the crisis of man-sharing in the African American community strongly recommend consensual polygamy as a temporary answer to the shortage of black males until more comprehensive reforms in the American society at large are undertaken. (Ibid.) By consensual polygamy they mean a polygamy that is sanctioned by the community and to which all the parties involved have agreed, as opposed to the usually secret man-sharing which is detrimental both to the wife and to the community in general. The problem of man-sharing in the African American community was the topic of a panel discussion held at Temple University in Philadelphia on January 27, 1993. (Ibid., pp. 95-99.) Some of the speakers recommended polygamy as one potential remedy for the crisis. They also suggested that polygamy should not be banned by law, particularly in a society that tolerates prostitution and mistresses. The comment of one woman from the audience that African Americans needed to learn from Africa where polygamy was responsibly practiced elicited enthusiastic applause.

Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist of Roman Catholic heritage, in his provocative book, Plural marriage for our time, proposes polygamy as a solution to some of the ills of the American society at large. He argues that plural marriage may serve as a potential alternative for divorce in many cases in order to obviate the damaging impact of divorce on many children. He maintains that many divorces are caused by the rampant extramarital affairs in the American society. According to Kilbride, ending an extramarital affair in a polygamous marriage, rather than in a divorce, is better for the children,

"Children would be better served if family augmentation, rather than only separation and dissolution, were seen as options."

Moreover, he suggests that other groups will also benefit from plural marriage such as: elderly women who face a chronic shortage of men and the African Americans who are involved in man-sharing. (Ibid., p. 118.)

Muslim Women Have a Choice

It has to be added that polygamy in Islam is a matter of mutual consent. No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Besides, the wife has the right to stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife. (Sabiq, op. cit., pp. 187-188.)

The Bible, on the other hand, sometimes resorts to forcible polygamy. A childless widow must marry her husband's brother, even if he is already married,regardless of her consent.(See the "Plight of Widows" section: Genesis 38:8-10)

The rate of polygamous marriages in the Muslim world

It should be noted that in many Muslim societies today the practice of polygamy is rare since the gap between the numbers of both sexes is not huge. One can, safely, say that the rate of polygamous marriages in the Muslim world is much less than the rate of extramarital affairs in the West. In other words, men in the Muslim world today are far more strictly monogamous than men in the Western world.

Billy Graham, the eminent Christian evangelist has recognized this fact,

"Christianity cannot compromise on the question of polygamy. If present-day Christianity cannot do so, it is to its own detriment. Islam has permitted polygamy as a solution to social ills and has allowed a certain degree of latitude to human nature but only within the strictly defined framework of the law. Christian countries make a great show of monogamy, but actually they practice polygamy. No one is unaware of the part mistresses play in Western society. In this respect Islam is a fundamentally honest religion, and permits a Muslim to marry a second wife if he must, but strictly forbids all clandestine amatory associations in order to safeguard the moral probity of the community." (Abdul Rahman Doi, Woman in Shari'ah, (London: Ta-Ha Publishers, 1994) p. 76.)

It is of interest to note that many, non-Muslim as well as Muslim, countries in the world today have outlawed polygamy. Taking a second wife, even with the free consent of the first wife, is a violation of the law. On the other hand, cheating on the wife, without her knowledge or consent, is perfectly legitimate as far as the law is concerned! What is the legal wisdom behind such a contradiction? Is the law designed to reward deception and punish honesty? It is one of the unfathomable paradoxes of our modern 'civilised' world.

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It has been misunderstood for years that Islaam does not give equal rights to men and women, and that it considers women only as subjects of comfort for males. This opinion has been delivered time and time again by renowned women activists, although their basis of arguments are only alleged facts. Their main argument is against the permission given for polygamy in Islaam.

Islaam's approach to polygamy is most balanced and rational and is based on the moral, psychological and physiological demands of men and women. It should be remembered that taking more than one wife is only permissible, not ordained and binding by the Qur'aan - as some 'progressive' activist would like to believe.

The Qur'anic verse that allows polygamy should be read in the context it was revealed. The verse says, {And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two, three and four, but if you fear that you may not do justice to them, then (marry) only one.} (4: 3).

This verse was revealed after the battle of Uhud. In that battle, many Muslim men died and as such a great social problem for the protection of widows and orphans arose, necessitating institutionalized polygamy for a convenient solution of the problem.

Some of the eminent Western scholars who actually studied Islaam, quite blatantly criticized the Western and other writers for venting their opinion as facts. In her book 'The Life and Teachings of Muhammed', Dr. Annie Besant, the renowned English leader of Theosophical Movement, says,

"There is pretended monogamy in the West, but in reality, there is polygamy without responsibility; the mistress is cast off when the man is weary of her ... the first lover has no responsibility for her future, and she is a hundred times worst off then the sheltered wife in a polygamous home. When we see thousands of miserable women who crowd the streets of Western towns during the night, we must surely feel that it does not lie in the Western mouth to reproach Islaam for polygamy. It is better for woman, happier for woman, more respectable for woman to live in polygamy, united to one man only, with a legitimate child in her arms and surrounded with respect, than to be seduced and then cast out into the streets perhaps with illegitimate child outside the rule of law, uncared, unsheltered, to become victim to any passer-by, night after night, rendered incapable of motherhood despised by all."

Annie Besant continues,

"You can find others stating that the religion of Islaam is evil because it sanctions a limited polygamy. But you do not hear the criticism that monogamy, with a blended mass of prostitution was a hypocrisy and more degrading than a limited polygamy.... it must be remembered that the law of Islaam in relation to women was until lately, when parts of it was imitated initiated in England, the most just law, as far as women are concerned, to be found in the world.

Dealing with property, ...rights of succession,... cases of divorce, it was far beyond the law of the West, in the respect which was paid to the rights of women. These things are forgotten while people are hypnotized by the words monogamy and polygamy and do not look at what lies behind it in the West - the frightful degradation of women..."

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A study of polygamy in Russia suggests we have a lot to learn about how to beat the recession.

A study of polygamy in Russia might not seem an obvious place to look for insights into how the financial crisis might play out in suburban Kent or rural Yorkshire. But Caroline Humphrey, Sigrid Rausing professor of collaborative anthropology at Cambridge University, says central Asia and Russia have much to teach us.

“In the 1990s, Russia and central Asia experienced huge economic change: what a bank was, how your career was going, what you could expect from life, everything changed overnight,”

she explains.

“And of course it had a huge impact on people’s lives, from family life to politics, and polygamy is part of that whole scene. So far, we haven’t had such dramatic change in the west, but you never know.”

Humphrey specialises in the anthropology of communities on the edges of the former Soviet Union, and has spent much of her career studying the Buyrat people who live north of the Mongolian border in Siberia. Humphrey says that anthropologists slowly build a deep knowledge and understanding of a place and culture, but nevertheless, her discovery that there is a polygamy lobby was a surprise.

“Friends of mine in Siberia told me that their friends were lobbying parliament to legalise polygamy,”

she says.

“I always knew that there were men who like the idea of polygamy, but what I found fascinating was that women were also in support.”

So is the recession going to turn the good burghers of Tunbridge Wells into polygamists? It’s unlikely. But it remains the case that the reasons why men – and, even more interestingly, women – are advocating polygamy in Russia and Mongolia are as much about economics as they are about sex. The critical issue is demography. The Russian population is falling by 3% a year – and there are 9 million fewer men than women. Nationalists, such as the eccentric leader of the Liberal Democratic party, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, claim that introducing polygamy will provide husbands for “10 million lonely women” and fill Mother Russia’s cradles.

Elsewhere, in the former Islamic regions of Russia, men argue that polygamous marriage is traditional and will encourage men to take greater responsibility – thereby alleviating poverty and improving “moral” education.

Improbably, for both groups, this is polygamy as a solution to contemporary social ills – and, according to Humphrey, is appearing outside Islamic regions. In rural areas the “man shortage”, exacerbated by war, alcoholism and mass economic migration, is even more serious. But when it comes to polygamy, rural women have a quite different agenda from their nationalist male counterparts.

“A lot of women live on what were collective farms, which are often deep in the forest and miles away from the nearest town,”

Humphrey says.

“You live very close to nature, and life can be very hard – your heating is entirely through log stoves, there’s no running water and inside sanitation is rare. If you are lucky enough to keep animals, you must care for and butcher them yourself. So if you are looking after children as well, life can be near impossible for a woman on her own.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly then, Humphrey’s investigations have uncovered women who believe that, “half a good man is better than none at all”.

“There are still some men around – they might be running things, with a job as an official, for example, or they might be doing an ordinary labouring job, but either way, there aren’t very many of them,”

she says.

“Women say that the legalisation of polygamy would be a godsend: it would give them rights to a man’s financial and physical support, legitimacy for their children, and rights to state benefits.”

Legalising polygamy has been repeatedly proposed and discussed in the Russian Duma, or parliament – and always turned down. For the urbanites of Moscow and St Petersburg it is a step too far.

In Mongolia, too, the legalisation of polygamous marriage is anathema. Yet in Ulan Bator, the thrusting capital city, well-educated women are combining traditional and modern to create something that looks suspiciously like a form of polygamy.

Surprisingly, it starts with the dowry. Eschewing the traditional gifts (horses, cushions, clothes), successful Mongolian families are increasingly giving their daughters a good education in place of a dowry. In contrast, their brothers often have to leave school early to either manage the herds or run the family business.

“In Mongolian culture, the bride’s family are the senior family; and a bride should be clever. And they had 70 years of communism, so the idea that women should be well-educated is not new,”

Humphrey explains.

“Since Mongolia, in common with Russia, also has a problem with alcoholism, there is an imbalance between urban educated women and the number of men these educated women deem to be suitable husband-material.”

The solution is simple: they just don’t get married. Instead, they take what is known as a “secret lover” – usually a well-educated man who just happens to be married to someone else. Any children resulting from the union are brought up by their mother and the maternal family.

“It is completely accepted. These women are among the elite of Mongolian society – they might be a member of parliament or a director of a company and they are tremendously admired,”

Humphrey says.

“They would be horrified by the idea of polygamous marriage because they don’t want to risk their independence.”

So what does this mean for marital relations in Russia and central Asia? Humphrey says it’s unlikely that polygamous marriage will ever be legalised in Russia – but perhaps that doesn’t matter.

“An insufficiency of men, educated women who want to realise themselves, rural women who want to protect themselves, all these things are going to give rise to arrangements like polygyny,”

says Humphrey,

“whether it’s called that or not.”

Source: Published in the Guardian, Oct 09.

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A pregnant woman's urge to clean, organise and get their life in order is a primal instinct going back thousands of years, according to a new study.

Researchers found the obsessive behaviour - known as 'nesting' and characterised by unusual bursts of energy - is not irrational, but a result of a mechanism to protect and prepare for the unborn baby.

Women also become more selective about the company they keep, preferring to just spend time with people they trust, reports the journal Evolution & Human Behaviour.

Having control over the environment is a key feature of preparing for childbirth, including decisions about where the birth will take place and who will be welcome.

Psychologist Doctor Marla Anderson, of McMaster University in Canada, said:

'Nesting is not a frivolous activity. 

'We have found it peaks in the third trimester as the birth draws near and is an important task that probably serves the same purpose in women as it does in other animals.

'It ties us to our ancestral past. Providing a safe environment helps to promote bonding and attachment between both the mother and infant.'

Females of the animal kingdom are all equipped with this same need. Just as you see birds making their nests, mothers to be do exactly the same.

Women also become more selective about the company they keep, preferring to just spend time with people they trust, reports the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour

They may become a homebody and want to retreat into the comfort of home and familiar company, like a brooding hen. 

The nesting urge can even be a sign of the onset of labour when it occurs close to 40 weeks of pregnancy.

Women have reported throwing away perfectly good sheets and towels because they felt the strong need to have 'brand new, clean' ones in their home.

They have also reported doing things like taking apart the knobs on kitchen cupboards, just so they could disinfect the screws attached. 

Women have discussed taking on cleaning their entire house, armed with a toothbrush. 

There seems to be no end to the lengths a nesting mother will go.

Cleaning the kitchen cupboards and organising everything by size to the point the silverware patterns match when stacked in the cutlery drawer, and sorting the baby's clothes over and over again, are other common activities.

Since little scientific research had been done previously on nesting behaviours, the scientists set out to explore the psychology behind the phenomenon.

They designed two separate studies, a large online one comparing pregnant and non pregnant women and another tracking participants throughout pregnancy and afterwards.

Non pregnant women, who acted as the control group, were compared at similar time intervals, using a questionnaire which was developed, in part, from interviews conducted with midwives.

'One of the apparent paradoxes of nesting is in the third trimester women tell us they are more tired while simultaneously showing an increase in activity,' said Professer Mel Rutherford.

'So the urge to nest is a very powerful motivating force.'

Allison Hutton Describes Her Nesting Experience:

I thought I would take a few minutes away from rearranging furniture, cleaning my ceiling fans, and scrubbing the walls, to share with you some of the "mystery" behind nesting.

The nesting instinct is common among most animals, which naturally feel an instinct to prepare the "nest" before birth of their young. For us humans, this usually entails vigorous cleaning, washing of baby clothing, rearranging of furniture, wallpapering, painting, and just about any other home improvement project that springs to mind.

I am now 32 weeks pregnant with my second baby, and I must say that the nesting instinct in much stronger this time around. With Hannah, we had just moved into a new house, and I was so busy unpacking that I didn't have time to "feather the nest." Basically, I readied the nursery and hoped for the best. This pregnancy has found me waking throughout the night, wondering what needs to be done, before our little man arrives. I decided we needed a new bed. A bigger bed. A king size bed. So, we went and bought one, with the knowledge that it would stay in the garage until this weekend, when my Dad arrives to help get it upstairs.

I knew that I couldn't move this gargantuan bed by myself, so I did the next best thing. I took apart the day bed in our computer room, moved it into the nursery, where I promptly rearranged all the furniture (to only move it all back to its' original position), and reassembled the brass demon. Not an easy job for a loner with a 19-month-old helper, but it is now a task that is "checked off" on my to-do list. Then, I thought maybe I should take the queen-sized mattresses off of their frame in our bedroom. Again, not an easy task. After all, I am fat, slow, and not maneuvering at my best. Mission accomplished. I also managed to take apart the headboard and frame, and move it to its new location in the computer room. By the time Saturday arrives, all that will need to be done is the actual moving of the king mattresses.

With my new career as a professional mover well on its way, I was disappointed at the nasty looks and lectures received from family and friends-especially my husband. Being scorned like a 2 year old was not my idea of praiseafter all, I saved people hours of work! Instead I was told to stay away from heavy objects, and to behave myself. Hmmm -I am not an invalid, I am pregnant. What these people fail to realize is that the urge to do these things is SO overwhelming. I didn't sit around the house in my jammies, eating bon-bons, wondering what it was that I could get into. I stayed awake at night, fighting off the urge to get up at 3am and begin rearranging. Believe me when I say, cleaning is NOT my favorite pastime. I could easily find other tasks, which are much less daunting, and far easier to accomplish. However, I have found that when I have the desperate need to "prepare" something, there are other alternatives besides cleaning.

For example, I cook. I like to cook anyway, but I have found that preparing "extra" and freezing it will be quite a help after the baby arrives. I have soups, lasagna, casseroles, and anything else that will fit, shoved into my freezer. This should prove to make life with a newborn, toddler and husband much easier in the early weeks.

Packing the bag for the hospital is another activity that is sure to take up some time, while accomplishing a very important task. I must admit that I have been putting this one off for 2 reasons. First, I have nothing to put in my bag. I am going to splurge on a new set of pajamas for my trip to the hospital, and I would like to pick up some aromatic toiletries as well. I highly recommend doing this, as the hospital soap will dry your skin so badly, you'll look like you have fish scales. Get a nice body wash, perhaps some lotions or gels, and pamper yourself as much as you can. I suggest making a trip to Bath and Body Works, and loading up on their little trial sized bottles of everything (the Plumeria scent is my favorite!). I am packing for this trip like I am going on a romantic getaway. You see, Hannah has my hands full, and I am so looking forward to two whole days and nights of being alone, rubbing lotion on feet that I haven't been able to reach for months, and watching reruns of Chips and Laverne and Shirley. After all, I am a simple girl.

You will find that the degree of nesting that is necessary will vary with each woman, and with each pregnancy. Just remember to take it easy, and listen to your body's cues. If you feel uncomfortable, take a break, put your feet up, and drink lots of water. Also remember that, when using cleansers, paint, or other items that have fumes, to keep your working area well ventilated, and take frequent breaks. Good luck!

Some Ahaadeeth to Ponder Over

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How does my body prepare for breastfeeding?

Your body has been preparing itself for breastfeeding right from the start of your pregnancy. Tingling nipples and tenderness in very early pregnancy, and your breasts getting bigger, are two signs of this. 

The blood supply to your breasts increases during pregnancy, and your milk ducts and milk-producing cells develop more with each pregnancy that you have. 

The size of your breasts before pregnancy, and how much they grow during pregnancy, doesn't determine how much milk you'll be able to produce for your baby. If you're small-breasted, you'll still be able to feed your baby all the milk he needs.

Do I need to toughen my nipples before I breastfeed?

No, there's no need to do anything, as hormonal changes that happen in your breasts during pregnancy are preparation enough. You don't need to use creams to soften your skin beforehand, or express colostrum, either. Don't rub or scrub your nipples, as this will only hurt and may make breastfeeding difficult. 

Your natural body odour plays a part in your baby bonding with you, and will help to get breastfeeding started. The areolas of your nipples release oil that naturally lubricates your nipples. This oil also smells of amniotic fluid, which is a familiar and attractive smell for your baby, especially just after he's born. 

Your baby will soon learn that your breasts smell of you, colostrum and milk. These act as a strong draw to cuddle up with you and feed. So avoid using scented soaps, perfumes and body lotions in the early days of breastfeeding, particularly on or around your breasts. 

What else can I do to help things along?

Another key preparation for breastfeeding is your partner being supportive about your decision to feed your baby in this way. You're more likely to start breastfeeding, and do it for longer, if your partner's on board and learns a little about it, too. 

Have plenty of skin-to-skin contact with your baby when she's born. Your midwife will encourage this. Skin-to-skin helps babies to get breastfeeding started and increases the length of time that mums breastfeed for. Laid-back breastfeeding (biological nurturing) positions help your baby's primitive reflexes to kick in, helping him to find the breast, latch on and feed.

Even if you have a caesarean birth, you can still hold your baby against your skin soon after the birth, with some help from your midwife. This may be in theatre, or in the recovery room immediately afterwards. Your baby may wriggle to your breast and feed, or she may smell, lick or nuzzle your breast, have a rest, and then try to feed later. 

All of this will help you and your baby to get breastfeeding off to a great start.

Practice makes perfect

"Breastfeeding may be the natural way to feed your baby but it is a skill which needs to be learned by both of you. Like most things, you can’t expect to get it right straightaway." 

Lou 

"I wish I’d known that breastfeeding doesn’t always come naturally. It took me six weeks to get it right. So don’t be put off if it doesn’t work at first! It can take a few weeks for you and your baby to learn, and it can hurt like hell sometimes. But persevere, because it’s one of best things you can do." 

Sharlene 

"When it hurt, I knew we were not doing it right, so instead of grinning and bearing it I made sure I got help to improve Ellis’s latch. When my milk came in - and he was almost drowning in the stuff - I knew about using other positions to feed him more comfortably." 

Lou 

"I wish I'd known that if it hurts it doesn't always mean the baby isn't latched on properly. Neither of my babies were having problems latching on but I had extremely painful letdown." 

Alexandra

Experiment with breastfeeding

“There are other ways of giving breastmilk successfully if the conventional way isn't working for you, so experiment. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work. So far, despite being a guzzler, Alexander has had nothing but breastmilk fed to him in a bottle, and he is thriving." 

Mel 

"I found nipple shields really helpful for those times when my nipples were sore and cracked. I could breastfeed fairly comfortably, and it gave my nipples a chance to heal." 

Nikki

Get expert breastfeeding help

"Breastfeeding workshops run by the NCT, your local hospital and other breastfeeding organisations are the best way to find out all you need. What I learned gave me so much confidence in the early weeks after my baby was born. Have the number of a breastfeeding counsellor to hand, and join a support group or baby cafe if there is one near you." 

Natalie

"I had terrible problems breastfeeding my daughter in the beginning. She was tiny and I couldn’t get her to latch on. I developed mastitis and a huge crack in my right nipple, but I was determined to keep trying." 

Bella 

"I took advantage of breastfeeding helplines: NCT and La Leche were really supportive, and I had a breastfeeding counsellor visit me at home a few times. After 12 weeks of trying I had success! I’m so glad I didn’t give up. Get as much advice, help and encouragement as you can. You don’t have to do it alone." 

Catherine

Supply and demand

"Most breastfed babies feed more than formula fed babies. This is because breastmilk is digested quickly and easily so their sleep patterns can be different. So don't expect to live to a timetable." 

Bridgette

"Your body produces milk based on how much your baby needs. The more your baby needs, the more they feed, producing more milk." 

Eliza

"Feeds can last from five minutes to an hour or more, as every baby is different. My baby went from taking 40 minutes per feed at birth, to just 10 minutes now he is five-and-a-half months. They become more efficient at feeding as time goes on." 

Fran

Involve your partner in breastfeeding

"Discuss how you are planning to feed your baby with your partner and make sure he understands how important his emotional and practical support will be to you. From my breastfeeding workshop I knew that in the first few weeks it was likely my baby was going to feed an awful lot, especially in the evenings. My husband brought me snacks, magazines, my phone, whatever I needed!" 

Lou 

"I express a bottle of milk in the evenings so my partner can feed our baby daughter when he gets home from work. He really enjoys these father-daughter bonding sessions. And it gives me a half an hour to enjoy a hot bath or get some jobs done." 

Kate

Breasts come in all shapes and sizes

"When my huge breasts deflated six weeks after he was born I knew it was my supply settling down, not my milk drying up. It’s around then that when many women resort to formula, thinking their milk has run out." 

Alice

"Most of us do not have the breasts and the nipples shown on illustrations. We may have big breasts, big nipples, small breasts, small nipples, flat nipples, inverted nipples, round breasts, long breasts, the list goes on. Experiment and try different positions to find what is comfortable for your shape." 

Bridgette 

"I have flat nipples, and I didn’t know this until a few days after my baby was born when I was having trouble breastfeeding him. My midwife suggested that I try using nipple shields, and my baby latched on to it right away and fed ravenously. Just a week later I didn’t even need to use a nipple shield to get him latched on!" 

Marie

Winding really works

"If baby is fussing at the breast try winding gently for up to three minutes. First, I thought breastfeeding babies didn't need winding, and then I expected winding to work in about 10 seconds. Once I realised what the problem was, things were far smoother." 

Sarah

Enjoy it!

Make the most of the sit-down time. You deserve it! ...Put your feet up and relax. I enjoyed 14 months of breastfeeding bliss! 

Anna

What should I eat when I'm breastfeeding?

You don't need to eat any special or different foods while you're breastfeeding. However, you should try to follow a healthy, balanced diet, which includes:

• Starchy foods, such as bread and rice. Choose wholegrain varieties, for added fibre.
• Plenty of fruit and vegetables.
• Some protein, such as lean meat, eggs and pulses. Have at least two portions of fish a week, including oily varieties, such as salmon.
• Some low-fat dairy food, such as a yoghurt or a glass of milk

What shouldn't I eat when breastfeeding?

You can eat virtually anything you like while breastfeeding, in moderation.

However, traces of food and drink can sometimes get into breastmilk, and this may affect your baby. Some babies are affected by a protein in cow's milk, which causes symptoms such as:

• bloating
• itchy skin and a rash
• swollen eyes, face or lips
• wheeziness or coughing
• diarrhoea
• constipation
• vomiting or reflux
• a poor appetite
• eczema
• changes to her poo
• not growing well

If you think that dairy is affecting your baby, talk to your health visitor about removing it from your diet for a week or so, to see if it makes a difference. Though if your baby has been diagnosed with a cow's milk allergy, your dietitian will advise you about how to remove it from your diet completely. You may also need to take calcium and vitamin D supplements.

There isn't much evidence to suggest that certain foods you eat while you are breastfeeding cause your baby to have colic. Colic could be due a number of things, such as your baby not being latched on well, or gulping milk too enthusiastically and taking in too much air.

Some mums worry about eating peanuts while breastfeeding, but there's no real evidence that this makes your baby more likely to develop a peanut allergy. So as long as you're not allergic to peanuts, you can eat them as part of a balanced diet.

Do I need to drink more water when I'm breastfeeding?

You only need to drink enough to satisfy your thirst while you're breastfeeding. Drinking lots of water, or being thirsty, won't affect your milk supply. Your body is very good at regulating its reserves to keep your milk supply going.

However, bear in mind that during breastfeeding your body releases the hormone oxytocin, which makes you feel thirsty. So keep a drink nearby when you're breastfeeding

If you're worried about whether you're getting enough to drink, check the colour of your wee. If it's pale-coloured, you're getting plenty to drink. If it's dark yellow, or smells strongly, or if you feel lethargic or faint, you may be dehydrated, in which case you should drink more water.

Do I need extra calories when I am breastfeeding?

You don't need to have extra calories as a new mum, because your body is so efficient at producing milk. Be guided by your appetite, and eat when you're hungry. Your body may have laid down fat stores during pregnancy, and breastfeeding can help to use up these fat stores.

The amount you need to eat depends on your pre-pregnancy weight, and how much weight you gained during pregnancy, as well as how active you are.

Having said that, breastfeeding usually gives you a big appetite. So if you don't feel like eating, it could be a sign that you need extra emotional support. Women who have postnatal depression sometimes lose their appetite. If you're finding it a struggle to eat, talk to your doctor or health visitor.

Can I lose weight while I'm breastfeeding?

Yes. You may have put on a bit of weight while you were pregnant, so losing some of this weight while you're breastfeeding is fine. Losing about 500g (1lb) to 1kg (2lb) a week shouldn't affect the amount or the quality of milk you make.

However, if you have a newborn, you'll need plenty of energy. Trying to lose weight too soon after giving birth may delay your recovery and make you feel even more tired. So try to wait until you've had your postnatal check before you lose weight.

Eating healthily and doing some gentle exercise will help you to get in shape. This is better than very strict low-calorie diets when you are breastfeeding. You can increase how much you exercise six weeks to eight weeks after giving birth, if you feel up to it.

Can I drink tea and coffee if I'm breastfeeding?

Avoid having lots of caffeinated drinks when you're breastfeeding. We don't have a UK guideline for a safe amount of caffeine for breastfeeding mums. In the US, women who are breastfeeding are recommended to have no more than about 200mg of caffeine a day. That's about two mugs of tea, or two mugs of instant coffee, or one mug of filter coffee, a day.

More than this amount of caffeine is unlikely to harm your baby. However, if your baby seems very unsettled or restless, or finds it difficult to sleep, try cutting back on caffeine, or not having any at all. This may make a difference to your baby.

Do I need to take any supplements if I'm breastfeeding?

You should take a daily supplement for breastfeeding mums that contains 10 micrograms (mcg) of vitamin D. Breastfed babies get vitamin D from breastmilk, so you need to have enough vitamin D in your diet. If you took a supplement containing vitamin D when you were pregnant, you can carry on taking it while you're breastfeeding.

If you took a vitamin D supplement throughout pregnancy, and continue to take it while you're breastfeeding, your baby will receive enough vitamin D in his first few months. However, if you didn't take a vitamin D supplement in pregnancy, and are breastfeeding, your baby may need to have daily vitamin D drops from when he's a month old.

Vitamin D is made by our bodies when our skin is exposed to sunlight. It's important because it helps bones and teeth to grow healthily. In the UK, it can be hard to make enough vitamin D all year round, especially if you don't spend much time outside, or have dark skin.

If you are on a low income, you may be eligible for free healthy start vitamins, which contain vitamins A, C and D. Find out more at your doctor's surgery or health visitor's clinic.

Can I have herbal remedies if I'm breastfeeding?

You can drink most herbal teas when you are breastfeeding. Herbal teas bought from supermarkets, which use ingredients you might cook with, such as fennel, camomile and peppermint, are safe to drink in moderation.

Herbal medicines, however, are a different matter. You shouldn't take them while you are breastfeeding, because we don't know enough about how they affect breastmilk.

Breastfeeding Cover

"I really love this cover it has made it so easy for me to feed in public and even at home when we have visitors.

The design is really nice and subtle and it doesn't draw attention to you.

The cover has great coverage and is lightweight too so we don't get hot.

The boned neckline design is brilliant - it means I can see my son fully when I'm feeding him."

• Beautifully made in UK from 100% cotton fabric - shaped for style
• Very generous size - 69cm x 105cm - 27" x 41" - greater coverage than other leading brands
• Rigid, boned - 42cm - 16" - neckline allows eye contact with baby
• Secure, fixed length - 46cm - 18"- neck strap
• Natural cotton storage bag 17cm x 35cm (bag design may vary)

Order from amazon (click here).

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Wisdom/ Medical benefits of breastfeeding

The wisdom of Allaah in creating the nourishment of the child in his mother’s milk has been proven through scientific and medical research. Doctors encourage giving the mother’s milk, especially in the early months.

Allaah has enjoined breastfeeding in His Book, when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling” [Al-Baqarah, 002:233]

So Allaah has stated the child’s right to be breastfed.

Fourteen hundred years after this verse was revealed, international organizations such as the World Health Organization have issued statement after statement calling on mothers to breastfeed their children, whereas Islam enjoined that fourteen centuries ago.

The benefits of breastfeeding for the child include the following:

1 – The mother’s milk is sterile, containing no germs.

2 – The mother’s milk cannot be imitated by any milk prepared from the milk of cows, goats or camels. It is composed in such a way as to meet the child’s needs day after day, from birth until weaning.

3 – The mother’s milk contains sufficient amounts of protein and sugar that suit the infant completely, whereas the proteins in cow’s, goat’s and buffalo’s milk are difficult for the child’s stomach to digest, because they are suited to the offspring of those animals.

4 – The development of children who are breastfed is faster and more complete than that of children who are bottle-fed.

5 – The psychological and emotional bond between the mother and her child.

6 – The mother’s milk contains various elements that are essential to the child’s nourishment, in the right amounts and formats needed by his body, and in a form that is suited to his ability to digest and absorb.  The nourishing content of the milk is not fixed; it changes day by day according to the child’s needs.

7 – The mother’s milk is kept at a suitable temperature that meets the child’s needs, and can be given to him at any time.

8 – Breastfeeding is a natural means of contraception for the mother, and is free of the complications that may accompany use of birth control pills, the coil (IUD) or injections. (From Tawdeeh al-Ahkaam, 5/107.)

Ruling

If the infant needs to be breastfed then breast milk must be provided for him.

It says in al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (22/239): There is no difference of opinion among the fuqaha’ that it is obligatory to breastfeed an infant so long as he needs that and he is at the age for breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a proven right of the infant, according to the rulings of sharee’ah, and must be provided for him by the one whose duty it is to do so. The fuqaha’ clearly stated that breastfeeding is the right of the child.

They explained the reason for that as being that breastfeeding for an infant is like maintenance for an adult.

What they said is true and is indicated by the Qur’aan. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis” [Al-Baqarah, 002:233]

Allaah has enjoined upon the father to spend on the woman who nurses his child, because nutrition reaches the child via the nurse through the breast milk. So spending on the nurse is in fact spending on him.

It says in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat:

“The one who is obliged to spend on the infant, whether male or female, is obliged to spend on the child’s nurse, because the child is nourished by the milk produced by the nurse, and that can only happen if she is nourished. So it is obligatory to spend on the nurse because this is in fact spending on the child.” (Al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, 9/464.)

It is better if no one breastfeeds the child but his mother, because that is more beneficial, and that may be obligatory for her if the child will not accept the breast of anyone else.

Breastfeeding establishes Mahramiyyah

The scholars are unanimously agreed on the effects of breastfeeding in establishing the prohibition on marriage and on making the child the Mahram of the woman who breastfeeds him, and making it permissible to look at her and be alone with her, but it does not make it obligatory to spend on the person, or make him an heir or a guardian in cases of marriage.

The reason for this Mahram relationship is obvious, because when the infant is nourished by the milk of this woman, his flesh grows on that, so it is as if he is her own child.

Hence the scholars regarded it as Makrooh to appoint a Kaafir woman or an immoral woman as a wet-nurse, or a woman who was suffering from a contagious disease, because it may pass to the child.

They regarded it as Mustahabb to choose a wet-nurse who was of good character and morals, because breastfeeding changes the child’s nature.

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How to breastfeed: pictures

Approved by the BabyCentre Medical Advisory Board

To breastfeed successfully, it doesn't really matter where or how you sit or lie back. What is important is that you are comfortable and can bring your baby to your breast easily. This will help you to get your latching-on technique right.

How do I start breastfeeding?

Sit or lie back so that your back is supported and you feel comfortable.

Raise your feet or your knees, if you need to.

If you are sitting up, you could use a pillow to take the weight of your baby at first, so your forearms aren't doing all the work.

If you're using a laid-back position, use cushions or pillows to support your back and shoulders. Once you're comfortable, place your baby's tummy down on your chest and abdomen, and bring your knees up, so that your baby has a surface to push on with his feet. Your body will support your baby and allow him to adjust his position, bob his head, and find your breast.

If you are lying on your side, place pillows under your head. Lay your baby alongside you, with his tummy towards yours. Again, you could bend your knees so your baby can feel them with his feet. 

How do I latch my baby on to my breast?

Your baby needs to use his tongue to scoop in a big mouthful of breast. His bottom lip and tongue need to get to your breast first, and should touch your breast as far from the base of the nipple as possible. 

If you're sitting or lying down, bring your baby to your breast, so he is facing your nipple, and doesn't have to turn his head to reach it. His nose, rather than his mouth, should be in line with your nipple. This gives your baby room to tip his head back just before he latches on. He should be leading with his chin, and have an open gape to his mouth. With his head tipped back, his lips will then touch your nipple.

Your baby will respond by dropping his lower jaw. 

Depending on your position, you may then be able to help him to move to your breast, so that his bottom lip is as far away from the base of your nipple as possible. In a laid-back position, your baby's natural reflexes may guide him on to your breast and help him to root for your nipple. 

How does latching on work?

Scooping in a big mouthful of breast lets your baby draw your breast deeply into his mouth. 

Your nipple will then be right at the back of his mouth, where the hard roof of his mouth gives way to the soft area. 

With a mouthful like this, your baby will be able to use his tongue smoothly and rhythmically against the under-surface of your breast. This action removes milk from the ducts. 

Your baby's jaw will move up and down, following the action of his tongue, and he will swallow your milk as it flows to the back of his mouth. This should be painless for you, because your nipple will be so far back in his mouth that it won't be squashed or pinched by his tongue. 

Your baby's lower gum will never touch your breast, as his tongue will always be between them, and his top jaw does not move. 

What other tips will make breastfeeding easier?

Try supporting your baby in one of the following ways:

Put your palm behind your baby's shoulders and your index finger and thumb behind his ears.

Gently cradle your baby's head in your whole hand, so he can still move his head, and guide him with the heel of your hand.

Use your forearm, rather than your wrist, to support your baby's shoulders.

You can trigger your baby's reflex response by letting his mouth brush your nipple. Your baby will find your breast by touch, not by sight or smell, though these senses probably also play a part.

If you need to move your baby to help him to latch, start to adjust his position as you see his lower jaw start to drop. Don't wait until your baby's mouth is at its widest before you begin the movement. Once it is fully open, all it can do is start to close, and your baby will be unable to draw in the biggest mouthful.

As you move your baby, watch his lower lip, not his top one. Try not to worry about his top lip, and whether it will get over your nipple. Provided his bottom lip makes contact well away from the base of your nipple, his chin will indent your breast. 

When your baby's chin indents breast, your nipple will move downwards slightly, and be covered by his top lip. You will not see this happen, but you will know it is right by the way it feels and the way your baby behaves. 

If you find it difficult to keep your baby's hands out of your way, try wrapping him in a blanket, so that his arms are lying at his side. You will be able to get him closer to your breast. 

If you in a sitting up position and are supporting your breast with your hand to start with, keep your hand as far away from your nipple as you can, preferably back on your ribcage. Once your breast is supported, keep it still, and only move your baby. 

Good positions for breastfeeding

There's no one correct position for breastfeeding. Any of these styles may work well for you and your baby. 

In the early days of breastfeeding, while you're still learning, you may find it easier to use the same hand for both breasts. 

This means you will hold your baby across your lap to feed on one breast, and then to feed from the other breast, you'll hold your baby under your arm.

Side-lying hold:

Lying down with your bodies parallel. 

Cradle hold (same arm):

Holding your baby across your lap, supporting her with the same arm as your breast. 

Cradle hold (opposite arm):

Holding your baby across your lap, using the opposite arm to the breast she is feeding from to support her. 

Rugby ball hold:

Holding your baby underarm. 

Twins hold:

Using a cushion under your babies as you gently support them with your hands on their upper backs. 

Koala hold:

Supporting your baby while she's straddled across your knees in an upright position. 

Laid-back breastfeeding (biological nurturing):

Semi-reclined, with your baby lying across your stomach or shoulder. 

Laid-back breastfeeding after a caesarean:

Semi-reclined, with your baby lying vertically on you, to protect your caesarean wound.

If you find a position that works for you and your baby, it's fine to stick with it. But as your baby gets older, and you become more practised, you will probably want to change positions.

Your position may also depend on where you are when you're breastfeeding.

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The first apartment where my husband and I lived had six stories, and we lived on the sixth floor. I remember this clearly because in the months after my first son was born, I spent way too much time hanging out laundry and hoping that somehow, just somehow, I would accidentally fall off our sixth floor balcony and die.

Astaghfirullah – there wasn't anything really wrong with my life, and I had no reason to contemplate suicide even in such an indirect way. My husband was loving and supportive and adored our new son. I had very few responsibilities other than taking care of the baby, the house, and myself. I had enough food, enough money, and comfortable shelter over my head, but unfortunately, I also had postpartum depression.

Our well-meaning, traditional matriarchs might ask what all this postpartum depression nonsense is all about. After all when your baby is a newborn you're SUPPOSED to be miserable – they call that the baby blues. You're sleep-deprived, learning how to feed your baby for the first time, constantly worried about temperature, safety, illness, and of course, the routine running of the household. You can be expected to feel a little challenged – that's what new motherhood is all about – but suicidal?

There are differences between the baby blues and postpartum depression, and these differences are important. Both postpartum depression and the baby blues can leave you feeling out of sorts in a variety of ways, but the baby blues usually get better on their own within two weeks. Postpartum depression doesn't.

Postpartum depression can last for months, and it can take away your ability to eat, sleep properly, interact with family and friends, or even bond with your baby. This is all made worse by anxiety, feelings of guilt and inadequacy given the task at hand, as well as dangerous thoughts of harming yourself or your baby.

In my case, PPD meant that I alternated between wishing I would die and then feeling terrified that something would happen to me, leaving my newborn son without a mother. I was chronically sleep deprived, but when my son finally went to sleep, I lay in bed wide-eyed, jittery, and unable to sleep or stay asleep for very long. I would hear him crying for me -even if he was dozing peacefully in his bouncer or out for a walk with his father- and the sound of his wailing haunted me.

Sometimes people tell you that there is no depression in Islam. I'm not sure why they say this, because Allāh would not tell us that our hearts would find rest in remembering Him if our hearts were not restless in the first place. Allāh would not give us a healing for our hearts if our hearts did not need healing -but from a cultural point of view, admitting to depression is taboo. So, I told no one but my husband, and all I told him was that I was struggling a bit.

Alḥamdulillāh as the weeks passed slowly into months my son grew, I slowly regained control, got over the insomnia, and stopped wishing I would die. I told no one else though, until a year later when a friend of mine called and said, straight to the point, "I'm taking a survey on postpartum depression. My mother in law says it doesn't exist, but I can't sleep, am mentally paralyzed and don't eat for 36 hours at a time. How about you?"

When the baby cried, I did too. And babies cry alot.

How about me? Well, I had PPD after my daughter was born as well, and this time it was so severe that I would have sudden panic attacks, complete with chest pain, overwhelming hopelessness, and the feeling that life would never, ever be normal again. When the baby cried, so did I.

I love my children -after Islam I consider my children to be the biggest blessings Allāh has bestowed on me- but the combination of fluctuating post-pregnancy hormones, sleep deprivation, and newborn stress does something to my brain that is not normal.

How did I get out of PPD? Alḥamdulillāh, I never needed medication, but I did need my husband's help and understanding. And of course, I needed healing for my heart- I needed Qur'an. When I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could feel anxiety closing tightly around my throat- I would start reciting Qur'an, and I wouldn't stop until I felt better.

Sometimes, I recited Qur'an for a VERY long time, but I knew that was the only thing that would let me breathe more freely, remember Allāh's blessings upon me, and calm my heart in a way that reason cannot ever begin to explain. I began to memorize new surahs, and I began to fall in love with ayahs that spoke directly to my pain.

Two years after my daughter's birth, I had a miscarriage. Outwardly, I managed to keep things together, but I spent months crying alone and feeling guilty for wanting something that Allāh had not decreed for me. I found myself needing more than Qur'an to pick up the broken pieces of my well-being.

Alḥamdulillāh, my husband pushed me to start attending Islamic classes, and the light of new knowledge pushed the darkness away, even if the darkness had more to do with loss than a crisis of faith. Here I was struggling with my own depression as well as raising two young children- I was in pain that had nothing to do with 'Ilm, but the more 'Ilm I sought, the smaller my pain became. Eventually, it was replaced with joy and lightness in my heart that I have only ever felt when my īmān is on a high, and to this day, I know that if I start to feel darkness creeping in on me, I need to look for light. Whether I find it in the Qur'an or in 'Ilm, I need to find it and hold on to it until the darkness goes away.

That's my experience with postpartum depression, and every mother who struggles with it will probably have a different story to tell. The blessing of being a Muslim though, is that every one of us can benefit from the healing that Allāh has placed in the Qur'an.

"Verily in remembering Allāh do hearts find rest." The Holy Qur'an, surah 13 Ar-Ra'ad, āyah 38

If you are a new mother, you're probably over-worked, exhausted, and damp with baby body fluids of one kind or another at any given moment- but you should not feel hopeless, depressed, afraid or resentful of your baby, or worse -suicidal. You shouldn't be afraid of reaching out for help, whether to your husband or to a close friend. You would be surprised how many people have gone through postpartum depression, and the support that an experienced friend can offer you is priceless. Most importantly, you should not underestimate the power of du'ā' and Qur'an on a bruised and broken heart.

If you're a new father, please be aware that postpartum depression is real, and so is the social stigma and shame that might prevent your wife from telling you that she needs help. Please take a moment to learn more about it, because the healthier your wife is, the happier and healthier your entire family will be.

May Allāh strengthen us all and give us the patience to see our hardships through to the ease He has promised, and help us to remember Allāh's promise that no soul will be burdened than more than it can bear.

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Children are a source of delight and an adornment in the world granted by Allâh to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for. Especially when they frequently supplicate,

"Our Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."

They are the ones in every nation upon whom hope for the future lies, they are the youth of tomorrow upon whose shoulders the call to Islaam will, Allah willing, be carried. Indeed Islaam has elevated the status of children and has laid down manners for their treatment and up-bringing, relating to each stage that they will pass through in this world. From these are the manners of how to welcome them in their arrival into this life.

Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was a living example, educating and cultivating the Muslims upon the practices of Islaam, teaching them how to worship their Lord in the best possible ways. Sadly, a number of Muslims have strayed from his pure teachings and have substituted that which is gold for that which worthless. Let's not be of them, let's implement the manners which the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us with regards  to our new-borns.

Encouragement to have Children

The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "Marry the loving and fertile, because through you I will compete with the nations for superiority in numbers." (Aboo Daawood)

And it is important that the parents bring up their children upon righteousness, so that the parents will benefit from them during their life, aswell as after their death. Allâh’s Messenger (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "A servant will have his rank raised and will say, 'O my Lord how has this come about for me?' He will say, 'Through your sons after their seeking forgiveness for you.'" (Ibn Maajah)

Know that what has preceded applies equally to both boys and girls; indeed, Islaam has encouraged the bringing up of girls and Allâh condemns those that become distressed at the news of the birth of a girl. The Messenger (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) brought to light the status of this gift from Allâh (the Almighty),

"Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come together on the Day of Resurrection (like this) - and he interlaced his two fingers." (Saheeh Muslim)

This means that they will be together in Paradise. Can there be a greater honour given for having daughters?!

Giving the good news of the Birth

The near of kin who are anxiously waiting should be informed so that they can stop worrying and congratulate the parents and supplicate for the baby. Allâh mentions this good news being conveyed to a number of His Prophets, from them Zakariyyaa of his son Yahya, {Then the angels called him, while he was standing in prayer in a private room (saying), ‘Allâh gives you glad tidings of Yahya'}

Giving the Adhaan (Call to Prayer) in the ear of the newborn

The first practice to do is to make the adhaah in the ear of the baby, so that the first words that the baby hears is the name of Allaah (the Mighty and Glorious), and the Shahaadah.

It is to be given straight after the birth, or very soon afterwards as he (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did so with his grandson al-Husayn, as is related by Abu Raafi' who said, "I saw the Prophet give the Adhâh for prayer in the ear of al-Husayn ibn Alî when his mother Fâtimah gave birth to him." (at-Tirmidhî)

It should be given with it's usual wording in a voice which is audible to the baby, not so loudly that it risks harm to the baby or alarms him/her.

Only the Adhân is to be given, not the Iqâamah, as there is no authentic evidence to support this. Giving the Adhaan only is also the reported practice of the Khalîfah (Caliph) 'Umar bin 'Abdul Azeez. This is closer to the Sunnah (the way of the Noble Messenger, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

As for which ear it should be given in, the sunnah has not specified. However the Messenger ( peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to love to do good actions starting from the right, so it would be more appropriate to give the Adhaan in the right ear.

The Tahneek

'Tahneek' means to soften a date and then rub the new-born's palate with it just after the birth or soon after. This is done by putting a piece of the softened date on the finger and rubbing it from left to right in the mouth of the baby. Ibn Hajr said,

"If one is unable to find a dry date, then a fresh date should be used, and if that isn't available then anything sweet." (Fath 9/588)

It is not essential to chew the date rather it may be softened in any hygienic way. The action of chewing, as reported in the Sunnah, was what the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did.

Tahneek is to be done by the father or mother of the child or anyone from the People of Knowledge whose supplication is hoped to be accepted, as was the practice of the Companions.

Imaam an-Nawawî says,

"Scholars unanimously agree regarding the desirableness of performing Tahneek upon the baby after it's birth." (Sharh Sahî h Muslim 4/122)

Aaishah (may Allah be pleased with her) reports,

"New-born children used to be brought to the Messenger of Allâh and he would supplicate blessings for them; (he would also) rub a chewed date upon their palate." (Saheeh Muslim)

Naming the child

The baby may be named on the day of it's birth or later on the seventh day or past the seventh day. This is what is clear from the study of all the evidences in the Sunnah.

It is the father or the mother who chooses the name of the baby. If they differ between themselves, then the father has the choice, he may name the baby himself or give his wife the right to choose. The fact that this is the right of the father is shown by the principle that the child is ascribed and attributed to the father, as Allâh (the Mighty and Glorious) says, {Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just in the sight of Allâh}

It is also allowed for the parents that they allow others to name their child, as our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to name some of the children of his Companions.

The name should carry a good and praiseworthy meaning as the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "On the Day of Resurrection, you will be called by your names and your fathers names, so make your names good." (Aboo Daawood)

It is recommended to call oneself a servant of Allâh ('Abdullâh) or the servant of any of the names of Allâh (the Mighty and Glorious). Then it is recommended to name a child after a Prophet, due to the hadeeth, "Call yourselves by the names of the Prophets." (Aboo Daawood)

And the Hadeeth: "A son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraahîm." (Saheeh Muslim)

Then, after this, it is recommended to name the child after any pious person in the hope that it will become like him/her. The next recommended option is to name the child by any name which has good meaning.

It is forbidden to name a child with a name that denotes servitude to other than Allâh (the Mighty and Glorious), for example 'Abd an-Nabi (the slave of the Prophet), 'Abd ar-Rasool (the slave of the Messenger) etc, just as it is forbidden to name them with names that are particular to the unbelievers like George, Michael, Susan etc.

The names of tyrants and evil personalities should be avoided such as Fir'awn, Qaarûn, Abu Lahab etc. Likewise it is disliked to name the child with the names of the Surahs of the Qur'aan like 'Taa Haa' or 'Yaa Sîn' as is reported from Imaam Maalik and others. There is no authentic Hadeeth which ascribes the above two as being names of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

The 'Aqîqah

After the seventh day of the arrival of the new-born, as a form of welcome for the babu and as a way to give thanks to the One who gave you this great blessing, it is prescribed to slaughter a sheep. The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "Every child is in pledge for it's 'Aqîqah which is sacrificed for it on its seventh day; it is named on it, and its head is shaved." (Aboo Daawûd)

If the new-born is a boy then two sheep are to be sacrificed, and if it is a girl then one sheep. This is the position of majority of the Companions and Scholars. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "For the boy two equal sheep, and for the girl, a single sheep." (Ibn Mâjah)

So it is permissible to sacrifice the male or female sheep or goat, and this is best. As for sacrificing other animals then there is a difference of opinion over it.

The sacrifice should be done by the father or a close relative, for our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) performed the 'Aqîqah for both of his grandsons. It is also obligatory to mention the name of Allâh over it while sacrificing, and if a close relative is performing the 'Aqîqah then he should add, 'This 'Aqîqah is the 'Aqîqah of so and so,' mentioning the name of the person on whose behalf he is performing the 'Aqîqah, as is reported in the hadîth related by al-Bayhaqî.

The meat of the sacrifice may be distributed cooked or uncooked, but it is preferred that it should be cooked as this leads to greater blessing, as mentioned by a group of scholars.

Shaving the baby's head

On the seventh day after the birth, the baby's head should be shaved. When al-Hasan was born the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) told his daughter, Faatimah (may Allah be pleased with her), “Shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver to the poor." (Musnad Imaam Ahmad)

The right side of the head should be shaved first, then the left as mentioned in the hadîth, "Shave, and he indicated to the right side of his head, and then the left." (Saheeh Muslim)

It is not permissible to shave a part of the head and leave a part, as this was prohibited by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), as has been reported by Imaam al-Bukhârî in his Saheeh.

The strongest view seems to be that the baby girl's head should also be shaved, as it has been reported that Faatimah weighed the hair of her daughter, as has been mentioned in Imaam Maalik's Muwattaa', although the scholars differ over this, and Allâh knows best.

The shaving should be done after the sacrifice, and our pious predecessors liked to rub some perfume over the baby's head after the shaving. This must be done with caution, as the baby may react to many of the perfumes used now-a-days. One should consult some acquainted with this.

After this, it is prescribed to give the value of the baby's weight of hair in silver in charity. It is recommended to give this charity on the seventh day, although it is not necessary to do so, as the charity may be delayed.

Circumcision

It is prescribed that the boy be circumcised; it is recommended that the circumcision take place on the seventh day.

It is obligatory to circumcise before the boy reaches puberty.

Sleep Disturbances in Children

Sleep is a mercy from the Lord of the World. Allaah (the Mighty and Glorious) says (interpretation of the meaning), {And We have made the night as a covering} (an-Naba’ [78]:10)

(i.e., as a covering for you. Hence the scholars agreed that sleeping at night is very important for physical health.)

A baby usually sleeps approximately 22 hours a day, but wakes up from time to time because s/he is hungry, sick or thirsty, or for some other need.

The hours of sleep are reduced until the child sleeps for 10 hours when he is six years old, and eight hours when he reaches his teens.

The child has to sleep for this number of hours so that he will grow up healthy and free from nervous tension.

Mistakes that are made with regards to this:

1. Delaying the child’s sleep causes nervous tension, especially when he has to be woken up for school and has not had enough sleep. This can lead to him not being able to focus in the classroon or even falling asleep in class.

2. Some families have a strict bedtime which is never changed for any reason whatsoever. The child has to sleep at eight, no matter what the circumstances. This is a mistake because if the child is having fun playing, then he is forced to go to sleep, this is a kind of abuse and a lack of respect for his personality. If the child goes to sleep tense, this will be reflected in his sleep, and he will have nightmares and will not be relaxed in his sleep.

3. Some fathers wake their child up to play with him or because they have bought a new toy for him, especially when the father has been at work all day and this is the only opportunity he has. This is a mistake, because you are interrupting your child’s sleep and it will be difficult for him to relax and go to back to sleep.

4. Some parents use scare tactics to make their children go to sleep. This is the worst mistake that parents can make.

5. Some mothers tell their children frightening stories which may scare them. This has negative effects on the child’s sleep, in the form of nightmares which disturb his sleep.

6. Some families encourage their children to drink liquids such as juice or water, etc., especially just before bedtime. This leads to the bedwetting, something most families complain of.

7. Closing the door on a child in a very dark room when he goes to sleep cultivates a fear of the dark in the child. It also makes him restless and unable to sleep well.

8. Some parents do not get the child used to sleeping alone from an early age. Some families allow the child to sleep with the parents or the mother until the age of six. This is a serious mistake, because it makes the child grow up dependent on others and restless. It is therefore advised that parents get their children used to sleeping alone from an early age and from the first year. In this way they will get used to sleeping alone and this will be healthy for the parent's relationship with each other.

Finally: we note that many of the problems which children are suffering from, such as bedwetting, fear of the dark, screaming in their sleep (“night terrors”), falling asleep in school, not being able to concentrate or not going to school at all… are all caused by disturbed sleep and restlessness. Therefore we advise parents to work on the above points.

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The prohibited names are of two categories:

• Those names which are forbidden in the Sharee'ah (Islamic Law).
• Those names which are either disapproved of by the Sharee'ah, or due to basic manners and good taste.

Forbidden Names

(1) Names indicating servitude to other than Allah - the Most High such as: 'Abdun-Nabee (slave of the Prophet), 'Abdur-Rasool (slave of the Messenger) and 'Abdul-Muttalib. Such names, and those which resemble them in meaning are prohibited.

(2) Using the Names of Allah (ta'aala) which are particular to Him alone. Such as, al-Ahad (the One far removed from all deficiencies).

(3) Names which are particular to other religions, i.e.: Jews and the Christians, like: George, David, Michael, Joseph, Diana, Jaclyn etc. This is because we - the Muslims - have been forbidden to imitate them.

(4) From the names which should also be avoided are the names of tyrants and despots like: Fir'awn (Pharaoh), Qaaroon, Aboo Jahl and their like, also the names of the leaders of disbelief and atheism such as Marx, Lenin and so on.

Secondly, Names disapproved of in the Sharee'ah or disliked due to bad manners or bad taste

(1) Giving names which are meant to show servitude to Allah but using names not known to be from Allah's perfect names - like 'Abdul-Mawjood, 'Abdul-Maqsood and 'Abdus-Sattaar. This is because nothing can be affirmed as one of Allah's names without an authentic text.

(2) From these names are those which carry meanings of pessimism, or blameworthy characteristics which will be disliked or cause aversion or cause the possessor of the name to feel degraded, humiliated, and haunt his personality. For example, Harb (war), Himaar (donkey), and Kalb (dog).

(3) From good manners is to avoid naming children with names which are suggestive or offend one's shame. For example, Huyaam (one passionately in love), Nuhaad (A young woman with full and raised breasts), Sahaam (summer heat)!, Wisaal (sexual union), Ghaadah (delicate young woman), Faatin (temptress), Fitnah (temptation), Shaadiyah (female singer) and names with similar meanings.

(4) It is also disliked to give names which amount to a declaration of a person's being pious. Such as, Barrah (pious / piety) and the like. It was due to this that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) changed the name of one of his wives from Barrah to Zaynab, as he used to hate that it be said, "He left/went out from 'Barrah' (piety)."

(5) From these names which are disliked  are the names of the Angels- particularly if they are used for females. For example, Malaak since it is to be feared that this involves imitation of the pagans who gave feminine names to the angels.

(6) It is also disliked to name with the names of the chapters (Soorahs) of the Qur'an such as: TaaHaa, Yaaseen and other names of soorahs. This was the opinion of Imaam Maalik (rahimahullaah); Imaam Ibnul-Qayyim (rahimahullaah) also said,

"The saying of the common people that 'Yaaseen' and 'Taa-Haa' are from the names of the Prophet (peace be upon him) is not correct.

There is no Saheeh (authentic) hadeeth regarding it nor any Hasan (authentic, but of a lesser nature) hadeeth, nor anything Mursal, nor any narration from any Companion.

Rather they are letters, like 'Alif Laam Meem', 'HaaMeem', 'Alif Laam Raa' and the like."

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The child should be given a name indicating servitude to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala) by calling him 'Abd (slave of...) followed by one of Allah’s names, which are authentically confirmed. The most beloved of such names to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala) are 'Abdullah (the Slave of Allah) and 'Abdur-Rahman (the Slave of the Most Merciful) as shown by the Hadith, "The most beloved of your names to Allah - the Mighty and Magnificent - are 'Abdullah and 'Abdur-Rahman" (Reported by Muslim & Abu Dawud)

Then these two Names are followed in excellence by similar usage of the rest of Allah’s names to indicate the person’s servitude to Him, such as ‘Abdur-Raheem (the Slave of the Bestower of Mercy) and ‘Abdul-Lateef (Slave of the One knowing the Most Hidden Matters and the One Most Gracious and Kind to His Slaves), and so on.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also put this into practice, he therefore called one of his sons ‘Abdullah. He also named the son of Abu Talhah: ‘Abdullah, and the son of another of his Companions: ‘Abdur-Rahman, and there are many more examples similar to this.

We find that a large number of the Companions gave these two names to themselves, aswell as to their children so much so that there were about three hundred of them who were named by this name. Ibnus-Salah mentions that they numbered about two hundred and twenty.

Naming the child after one of the Prophets or Messengers of Allah

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah  be upon him) said, "Call yourselves by the names of the Prophets." (Part of a Hadith reported by Ahmed & Abu Dawud)

He also said, "You may name with my name." (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

We find that following this principle the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also called his own son Ibraaheem, after the name of his forefather Ibraaheem ('alayhis-salam). He said, "A son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraaheem." (Muslim & Abu Dawud)

He likewise called the son of Abu Musa: ‘Ibrahim’, and he called a son of ‘Abdullah ibn Sallaam: ‘Yusuf’, after the Prophet ('alayhis-salam). (Reported by Ahmad)

The Banoo Israa'eel also practiced this, as the Prophet informed us and approved of by his statement,

"They used to name their children after the Prophets and the pious people who came before them." (Muslim)

Naming the Child after one of the Pious People

We must name our children after the Pious People, the Companions, the Martyrs and the Scholars, the men and women of them, hoping that the child will grow up to love and respect them and follow their way and adopt their manners in righteousness, knowledge and also in seeking martyrdom.

For this reason the noble Companion az-Zubayr ibn al-'Awwaam chose the names of some of the martyrs from the Companions for his ten sons, hoping that they would become like them. He named one 'Abdullah after 'Abdullah ibn Jahsh the martyr of Uhud, and 'Urwah after 'Urwah ibn Mas'ood, and Hamzah after Hamzah ibn 'Abdul-Muttalib - the noblest of the martyrs, and Ja'far after Ja'far ibn Abee Talib - the martyr of Mutah, and Mus'ab after Mus'ab ibn 'Umayr - the martyr of Uhud.

Also, it is indeed praiseworthy and beneficial for the correct upbringing of daughters that they be called after the names of the pious women and those who participated in Jihaad from amongst the female Companions and those after them, hoping that they will follow them in piety, chastity and manners, such names are: Faatimah, Maryam, Asmaa', Sumayyah, Nusaybah, Khawlah and others from the pious and believing women.

Good Names Which Do Not Fall Into the Previous Three Categories

Names that are good in their meanings carry meanings of bravery, chastity and piety and are easily pronounced, harmonious, suitable and befitting for the person who carries the name, such as: Hamzah, Khalid, Anas, Usamah, Thamir, Haarith, & Hammam the last two being the most true of names as occurs in the Hadeeth. Some examples of good names for girls are: Saarah, Hassanah, Su’ad, 'Affaaf and other such names which are beautiful in both wording and meaning.

Muslims must choose names which arenfar from being that which has been forbidden in the Sharee'ah (Islamic Law).

One can also name the child after the child’s grandfather or grandmother, if it is a good name, as we saw from the following Hadeeth,

"So I named him after my forefather ‘Ibraaheem.’" (Reported by Muslim & Abu Dawud)

May Allah, the Mighty and Glorious, make our children the coolness of our eyes. Aameen.

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Hush abye baby

Hush abye baby, so pure and so small

He created you, He created us all.

Hush abye baby, we've no need to fear

We're never alone, when Allah's so near

Hush abye baby, breathing so calm

He will protect us and keep us from harm.

Hush abye baby, so still and serene

You are a Muslim and Islaam's your deen.

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Many parents mistakingly equate parenting with discipline.

Congratulations!! You and your spouse have just given birth to a bouncy baby boy or girl. As you become acquainted with your little bundle you begin to ask yourself many questions,

• "How will I cope with this new responsibility?";
• "Will I be able to raise my child as a fully functioning, psychologically healthy person?";
• "Will I be capable of protecting my child from the evil in this society?";
• "What do I need to do to build a strong Muslim character in my child?"

Whether this is your first experience at parenthood or one in a line of blessings, the same questions surface each time a new being appears.

One can use the analogy of building blocks, with the first blocks placed at the time of birth. Many people believe that the task of parenting does not begin until a child can walk and talk and get into mischief, requiring some form of discipline from the parent. The term parenting is often equated with discipline. This understanding is inaccurate, however, because effective parenting begins at birth with a phenomenon known as bonding or attachment.

What is bonding?

Bonding is the formation of enduring emotional ties between an infant and a special person in his/her world (usually the mother). It is a process that takes place over time involving an affectionate, reciprocal relationship between these two people. The interaction usually occurs in this manner:

1. The infant cries or expresses discomfort;
2. The caretaker responds in an attentive and loving way, fulfilling the needs of the infant;
3. The infant smiles and coos as a sign of contentment;
4. The caretaker is gratified to know that she/he can please the infant and produce such a response.

This is a beautiful, harmonious interplay that is a part of Allah's universal plan. It plants the seeds of the social and community ties that are so important in Islaam.

Bonding is vitally important because it can affect the psychological and social development of a child. Scientific research has shown that children who were securely attached in infancy are more competent in certain social and cognitive skills: they are more curious, competent, cooperative, and self-directed than those who were insecurely attached. They are also more likely to be sought out as friends and chosen to be leaders. In school, they tend to interact with teachers in friendly and appropriate ways and are more likely to be independent, seeking help from teachers only when needed.

Children who were insecurely attached tend to experience more difficulty in these areas and these effects may carry over into later years. Poor attachment has been found to be one factor in an equation that explains problems in adolescence such as juvenile delinquency, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol use, and much more.

Fostering a strong bond with your child

How does a parent build a strong bond with her/his child and foster secure attachment?

1.Stay home with the baby. This is the ideal situation (although not always possible) for both the mother and the child. Allah has assigned women the role of nurturer and caretaker and has created them with characteristics that fit this role. Since bonding develops through many interactions between parent and child it only makes sense that they be together for this to occur. It is a disturbing situation when a woman goes back to work 6 weeks after the baby is born leaving him/her in daycare for 10 hours a day. She then comes home too frazzled and exhausted to have any interactions with the baby much less quality time. If it is absolutely necessary for a woman to work it is important to find a competent, caring person to take care of the child, preferably a Muslim. It is possible for a child to bond with more than one person.

2.Breastfeed. Allah has provided humans with a natural technique for development of a bond through the prescription of breastfeeding, "The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years." [2:233]; "And the bearing of him and the weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]. This is another example of Allah's infinite wisdom that has only recently been proven by scientific knowledge. There are numerous health benefits from breastfeeding as well as emotional and social effects that will last a lifetime.

3.Respond to the infant's needs as quickly as possible. A significant part of the bonding process involves trust. When the needs of the baby are fulfilled, he/she develops trust in the caretaker and in the world. Crying and fussiness are forms of communication that signal that something is not quite right, and it is the responsibility of the caretaker to determine what should be done. Experienced parents are able to distinguish various cries and their associated needs. It is also possible to sense the early signs of needs and take care of them before the infant becomes upset. Caretakers who do this well, usually have babies who are very content, secure, and enjoyable.

4.Communicate with your infant. There are many ways to send messages of love and care to your infant. These include talking in a soft voice, "answering" sounds by cooing or imitating, singing, smiling, hugging, stroking, massaging, making eye contact and much more. Mothers and infants tend to develop their own special language that really is an expression of their love for each other. One of the most wonderful gifts from Allah is the beautiful, bright smile of an infant that says, "I am loved and cared for and I am returning that love." What amazing synchrony!

Following this advice does not guarantee that your child will develop according to your wishes and it will not alleviate your concerns, but it is an initial building block that will provide a strong foundation upon which to build. It is important to remember throughout the whole building process that our children are only a test for us and that we must always rely on Allah, the All-Mighty.

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Head-to-toe relief for the growing pains of pregnancy.

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Many diverse subjects are mentioned in the Qur'an in the course of inviting people to believe. Sometimes the heavens, sometimes animals, and sometimes plants are shown as evidence to man by God. In many of the verses, people are called upon to turn their attention to their own creation. They are often reminded how man came into the world, which stages he has passed through, and what his essence is,

"It is We Who have created you. Why, then, do you not accept the truth? Have you ever considered that (seed) which you emit? Is it you who create it? Or are We the Creator?" (The Qur'an, [56]:57-59)

The creation of man, and the miraculous aspect of this, is stressed in many other verses. Some items of information within these verses are so detailed that it is impossible for anyone living in the 7th century to have known them. Some of these are as follows:

1. Man is not created from the entire semen, but only a very small portion of it (sperm).
2. It is the male that determines the sex of the baby.
3. The human embryo adheres to the mother's uterus like a leech.
4. The embryo develops in three dark regions in the uterus.

People living when the Qur'an was revealed, to be sure, knew that the basic substance of birth was related to the semen of the male emitted during sexual intercourse. And the fact that the baby was born after a nine-month period was obviously an observable event not calling for any further investigation. However, the items of information just quoted were far above the level of learning of the people living at that time. These were verified by 20th century science.

Now, let us go over them one by one.

A Drop of Semen

During sexual intercourse, 250 million sperms are emitted from the male at a time. The sperms undertake an arduous journey in the mother's body until they make it to the ovum. Only a thousand out of 250 million sperms succeed in reaching the ovum. At the end of this five-minute race, the ovum, half the size of a grain of salt, will let only one of the sperms in. That is, the essence of man is not the whole semen, but only a small part of it. This is explained in the Qur'an:

"Does man reckon he will be left uncontrolled (without purpose)? Was he not once a drop of ejected semen?" (The Qur'an, [75]:36-37)

As we have seen, the Qur'an informs us that man is made not from the entire semen, but only a small part of it. That the particular emphasis in this statement announces a fact only discovered by modern science is evidence that the statement is divine in origin.

In the picture to the left, we see semen ejected into the uterus. Only very few sperms out of 250 million sperms emitted from the male can make it to the ovum. The sperm that will fertilise the egg is the only one out of a thousand sperms that have managed to survive. The fact that man is made not from the entire semen, but only a small part of it, is related in the Qur'an with the expression, "a drop of ejected semen".

The Mixture in the Semen

The fluid called semen, which contains the sperms, does not consist of sperms alone. On the contrary, it is made up of a mixture of different fluids. These fluids have different functions, such as containing the sugar necessary for providing energy for the sperms, neutralising the acids at the entrance of the uterus, and creating a slippery environment for the easy movement of the sperms.

Interestingly enough, when semen is mentioned in the Qur'an, this fact, which was discovered by modern science, is also referred to, and semen is defined as a mixed fluid:

"We created man from a mingled drop to test him, and We made him hearing and seeing." (The Qur'an, [76]:2)

In another verse, semen is again referred to as a mixture, and it is stressed that man is created from the "extract" of this mixture: "He who has created all things in the best possible way. He commenced the creation of man from clay; then He made his progeny from an extract of discarded fluid." (The Qur'an, [32]:7-8)

The Arabic word "sulala", translated as "extract", means the essential or best part of something. By either implication, it means "part of a whole". This shows that the Qur'an is the word of a Will that knows the creation of man down to its slightest detail. This Will is God, the Creator of man.

The Sex of the Baby

Until fairly recently, it was thought that a baby's sex was determined by the mother's cells. Or at least, it was believed that the sex was determined by the male and female cells together. But we are given different information in the Qur'an, where it is stated that masculinity or femininity is created out of "a drop of sperm which has been ejected".

"He has created both sexes, male and female from a drop of semen which has been ejected." (The Qur'an, [53]:45-46)

In the Qur'an, it is said that masculinity or femininity are created out of "a drop of semen which has been ejected". However, until fairly recently, it was believed that a baby's sex was determined by the mother's cells. Science only discovered this information given in the Qur'an in the 20th century. This and many other similar details about the creation of man were stated in the Qur'an centuries ago.

The developing disciplines of genetics and molecular biology have scientifically validated the accuracy of this information given by the Qur'an. It is now understood that sex is determined by the sperm cells from the male, and that the female has no role in this process.

The Y chromosome carries characteristics of masculinity, while the X chromosome carries those of femininity. In the mother's egg, there is only the X chromosome, which determines female characteristics. In the semen from the father, there are sperms that includes either X or Y chromosomes. Therefore, the sex of the baby depends on whether the sperm fertilising the egg contains an X or Y chromosome. In other words, as stated in the verse, the factor determining the sex of the baby is the semen, which comes from the father. This knowledge, which could not have been known at the time when the Qur'an was revealed, is evidence to the fact that the Qur'an is the word of God.

Chromosomes are the main elements in determining sex. Two of the 46 chromosomes that determine the structure of a human being are identified as the sex chromosomes. These two chromosomes are called "XY" in males, and "XX" in females, because the shapes of the chromosomes resemble these letters. The Y chromosome carries the genes that code for masculinity, while the X chromosome carries the genes that code for femininity.

The formation of a new human being begins with the cross combination of one of these chromosomes, which exist in males and females in pairs. In females, both components of the sex cell, which divides into two during ovulation, carry X chromosomes. The sex cell of a male, on the other hand, produces two different kinds of sperm, one that contains X chromosomes and the other Y chromosomes. If an X chromosome from the female unites with a sperm that contains an X chromosome, then the baby is female. If it unites with the sperm that contains a Y chromosome, the baby is male.

In other words, a baby's sex is determined by which chromosome from the male unites with the female's ovum.

None of this was known until the discovery of genetics in the 20th century. Indeed, in many cultures, it was believed that a baby's sex was determined by the female's body. That was why women were blamed when they gave birth to girls.

Thirteen centuries before human genes were discovered, however, the Qur'an revealed information that denies this superstition, and referred to the origin of sex lying not with women, but with the semen coming from men.

The Clot Clinging to the Uterus

If we keep on examining the facts announced to us in the Qur'an about the formation of human beings, we again encounter some very important scientific miracles.

When the sperm of the male unites with the ovum of the female, the essence of the baby to be born is formed. This single cell, known as a "zygote" in biology, will instantly start to reproduce by dividing, and eventually become a "piece of flesh" called an embryo. This of course can only be seen by human beings with the aid of a microscope.

The embryo, however, does not spend its developmental period in a void. It clings to the uterus just like roots that are firmly fixed to the earth by their tendrils. Through this bond, the embryo can obtain the substances essential to its development from the mother's body.(16)

Here, at this point, a very significant miracle of the Qur'an is revealed. While referring to the embryo developing in the mother's womb, God uses the word "alaq" in the Qur'an:

"Recite: In the name of your Lord Who created man from alaq. Recite: And your Lord is the Most Generous." (The Qur'an, 96:1-3)

In the first phase of its development, the baby in the mother's womb is in the form of a zygote, which clings to the uterus in order to take nourishment from the mother's blood. In the picture to the left is a zygote, which looks like a piece of flesh. This formation, which has been discovered by modern embryology, was miraculously stated in the Qur'an 14 centuries ago with the word "'alaq", which means "a thing that clings to some place" and is used to describe leeches that cling to a body to suck blood.

The meaning of the word "'alaq" in Arabic is "a thing that clings to some place". The word is literally used to describe leeches that cling to a body to suck blood.

Certainly, the use of such an appropriate word for the embryo developing in the mother's womb, proves once again that the Qur'an is a revelation from God, the Lord of all the Worlds.

The wrapping of muscles over the bones

Another important aspect of the information given in the verses of the Qur'an is the developmental stages of a human being in the mother's womb. It is stated in the verses that in the mother's womb, the bones develop first, and then the muscles form which wrap around them.

"(We) then formed the drop into a clot and formed the clot into a lump and formed the lump into bones and clothed the bones in flesh; and then brought him into being as another creature. Blessed be God, the Best of Creators!" (The Qur'an, [23]:14)

Embryology is the branch of science that studies the development of the embryo in the mother's womb. Until very recently, embryologists assumed that the bones and muscles in an embryo developed at the same time. For this reason, for a long time, some people claimed that these verses conflicted with science. Yet, advanced microscopic research conducted by virtue of new technological developments has revealed that the revelation of the Qur'an is word for word correct.

These observations at the microscopic level showed that the development inside the mother's womb takes place in just the way it is described in the verses. First, the cartilage tissue of the embryo ossifies. Then muscular cells that are selected from amongst the tissue around the bones come together and wrap around the bones.

The bones of the baby completing its development in the mother's womb are clothed with flesh during one particular stage.

This event is described in a scientific publication titled Developing Human in the following words:

During the seventh week, the skeleton begins to spread throughout the body and the bones take their familiar shapes. At the end of the seventh week and during the eighth week the muscles take their positions around the bone forms.(17)

Many stages of a baby's development in the mother's womb are related in the Qur'an. As described in verse 14 of Sura Muminun, the cartilage of the embryo in the mother's womb ossifies first. Then these bones are covered with muscle cells. God describes this development with the verse: "(We then) formed the lump into bones and clothed the bones in flesh"

In short, man's developmental stages as described in the Qur'an are in perfect harmony with the findings of modern embryology.

Three Stages of the Baby in the Womb

In the Qur'an, it is related that man is created in a three-stage process in the mother's womb. "... He creates you stage by stage in your mothers' wombs in a threefold darkness. That is God, your Lord. Sovereignty is His. There is no god but Him. So what has made you deviate?" (The Qur'an, [39]:6)

As will be understood, it is pointed out in this verse that a human being is created in the mother's womb in three distinct stages. Indeed, modern biology has revealed that the baby's embryological development takes place in three distinct regions in the mother's womb. Today, in all the embryology textbooks studied in faculties of medicine, this subject is taken as an element of basic knowledge. For instance in Basic Human Embryology, a fundamental reference text in the field of embryology, this fact is stated as follows: "The life in the uterus has three stages: pre-embryonic; first two and a half weeks, embryonic; until the end of the eight week, and fetal; from the eight week to labor."(18)

These phases refer to the different developmental stages of a baby. In brief, the main characteristics of these developmental stages are as follows:

1. Pre-embryonic stage

In this first phase, the zygote grows by division, and when it becomes a cell cluster, it buries itself in the wall of the uterus. While they continue growing, the cells organise themselves in three layers.

2. Embryonic Stage

The second phase lasts for five and a half weeks, during which the baby is called an "embryo". In this stage, the basic organs and systems of the body start to appear from the cell layers.

3. Fetal stage

From this stage on, the embryo is called a "foetus". This phase begins at the eighth week of gestation and lasts until the moment of birth. The distinctive characteristic of this stage is that the foetus looks just like a human being, with its face, hands and feet. Although it is only 3 cm. long initially, all of its organs have become apparent. This phase lasts for about 30 weeks, and development continues until the week of delivery.

Information on the development in the mother's womb became available only after observations with modern devices. Yet, just like many other scientific facts, these pieces of information are imparted in the verses of the Qur'an in a miraculous way. The fact that such detailed and accurate information was given in the Qur'an at a time when people had scarce information on medical matters is clear evidence that the Qur'an is not the word of man, but the word of God.

______________

Footnotes:

16- Moore, Keith L., E. Marshall Johnson, T. V. N. Persaud, Gerald C. Goeringer, Abdul-Majeed A. Zindani, and Mustafa A. Ahmed, 1992, Human Development as Described in the Qur'an and Sunnah, Makkah, Commission on Scientific Signs of the Qur'an and Sunnah, p. 36
17- Moore, Developing Human, 6. edition,1998.
18- Williams P., Basic Human Embryology, 3. edition, 1984, p. 64.

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Once a woman has confirmed her pregnancy, she should express her gratitude before Allah (ta'aalaa) as this is indeed a great bounty of Allah (ta'aalaa). This is such a boon that many people beseech Allah (ta'aalaa) throughout their lives for pious children but Allah has destined otherwise. In fact one of the greatest Prophets of Allah ('azza wa jall), Ibraaheem ('alayhis-salaam) used to supplicate to Allah (the Mighty) most profoundly and frequently for children. Even Zakariyyaa ('alayhis-salaam) used to supplicate for children most passionately and fervently during the latter part of his life.

Hence, a Muslim woman is required to express her gratitude unto Allah (the Glorious) for this great bounty. Gratitude may be expressed in the following ways:

Recite the Following Supplications very Frequently

"Allahummâ Lakal Hamdû Wa Lakash-Shukru."

O Allah! All praises are due to You alone and I express my gratitude unto You alone (for granting me the honour of motherhood).

Extra Prayers

Allocate a fixed time for extra nawaafil. While in Sajdah (prostration), make Du‘aa abundantly. Recite the following Du’aa as well,

"Rabbi Hab Liy Min-Ladunka dhurriyatan-Tayyibah Innaka Samee'ud-Du’aa"

O my Lord! Bless me from your side with pure children. Verily You are all-hearing of the Du’aa.

Recite the following Du’aa as well:

Rabbi-j‘alniy Muqeema-Salaati wa min dburriyatiy Rabbanaa wa Taqabbal Du’aa

O my Lord! Render me as well as my progeny as establishers of Salâh and accept our supplications.

Express Gratitude from the Heart

Similarly, express your gratitude from the heart in such a manner that you try to stay happy at all times. Try to forget all your past sorrows; build your dreams and keep your hopes and spirits high. Ponder over the bounties of Paradise.

On the impending happiness of the birth of your child, maintain a friendly and trouble-free relationship with all. If you do tend to hurt anyone, apologise immediately and try to forget about the dispute. The conditions of the mother during pregnancy, in fact even her spirit and perceptions during this state has a profound affect on the unborn child.

Hence, a Muslim woman should express gratitude at all times especially during the period of her pregnancy. This gratitude should in turn develop in her the love of Allah (the Mighty). She should ponder that since Allah (the Glorious) has blessed us with so many bounties, we should also devote ourselves to Him. To disobey such a majestic benefactor – by strutting about veil-less, watching television, films, listening to music, lying, gossiping, backbiting, wasting time etc – at any time and especially during pregnancy is not acceptable. How is it that Allah ('azza wa jall) showers His bounties upon us and we in turn disobey Him!?

The First Month of Pregnancy

Remember that you are not a single entity now. Now a child is being nourished within your own body. With a bit of precaution on your part, this child may become healthy, intelligent, understanding, pious and religious. However, with your negligence and indifference, the child may turn out to be weak, sickly and incompetent.

Therefore, your life should not be the same as it was before you fell pregnant. Every moment should be passed with caution and concern over the well-being of yourself as well your child. Therefore, pay careful attention to the following points:

Be careful with your diet. Chew your food thoroughly before swallowing. Avoid over-eating and abstain from food that can cause constipation.

Eat green, fresh vegetables, like salads, cucumbers etc in abundance. Make sure that they are clean and washed before use.

Also, a pregnant woman should drink lots of milk because Allah (the All-Mighty) has placed within it vitamins and proteins required by the human body.

If pure or raw milk is detrimental to you, consume it in other forms like Lassî (curds), sour-milk, custard, Khîr etc. This is beneficial to the mother as well as the child.

Ensure that you refrain from all types of medication during pregnancy especially pain-relievers. If you are really desperate, consult a reliable female (or if you can't find a female doctor then a male) doctor explaining your pregnancy and conditions to her. It shouldn't be such that you are prescribed medication that is injurious to pregnant women. Some medication clearly states on the label that it is not advisable for pregnant women. Therefore, if you are really desperate to use some medication, make sure you scrutinize the lable and make thorough investigation before use.

Avoid excessively hard work and picking up very heavy objects as this may lead to a miscarriage. If your cruel mother-in-law or hard-hearted sister-in-law compels you to pick up heavy objects or forces you to carry out some difficult task, then excuse yourself very politely and explain to them that this task is beyond you and that you will pay a labourer to carry out this task or ask someone else, like your husband, to do it.

However, if your cruel mother-in-law or hard-hearted sister-in-law fails to take pity on your condition, explain your helplessness to your husband and with his permission, go to your mother's house to rest. If you are a sister-in-law to another woman (your brother's wife), don’t be cruel to her. The moment she falls pregnant, try to make her comfortable and relaxed at all times. Your benevolence won’t be directed to your sister-in-law alone but you will be showing mercy to a sinless child, a priceless gem, a blossoming flower, the coolness of your brother’s eyes, a luminance of this worldly life and a source of perpetual reward for the hereafter.

The degree of happiness and comfort of your sister-in-law or daughter-in-law will, Allah Willing, determine the well-being, health, robustness and happiness of the new arrival.

Dear Sister, take these points into consideration and turn to your Lord to help you through this time and what comes after.

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The coming of a first new baby is a time of excitement and every Muslim mother-to-be eagerly awaits the arrival of this special gift. It is easy to find the latest advice and useful practical tips and information about what to expect of the early weeks of motherhood on a day to day basis from Western books, but because they are bereft of the guidance of Islaam, they contain little advice for Muslim Women when it comes coping spiritually with the coming of a baby.

Every baby is different and some first time mothers find things quite easy and smooth. But nearly all will have moments when they struggle to reorganize their lives and many have a very trying time if their baby suffers from colic or has trouble settling down or if the birth was complicated and long. There are many things Muslim women can do to make this time as smooth as possible and increase their Eemân (faith).

Welcome your child in the correct Islamic manner

There are many Sunnahs (Prophetic Guidances) relating to the newborn:

• The Adhân being recited to the child soon after the birth so that it is the first thing the child hears.
• Tahnîk: rubbing a small piece of softened date or something sweet on the palate of the newborn.
• Shaving the hair of the newborn on the seventh day and giving the value of its weight in silver to charity.
• Announce the good news of the birth to family and friends and you will see that everyone is happy when they hear of the birth of a new Muslim child!
• The Aqîqah is a strong Sunnah and many scholars regard it as an obligation upon the parents and it is the slaughtering of two sheep or goats for a boy and one sheep or goat for a girl preferably on the seventh day.

The Prophet ( sallallâhu alaihi wa sallam) is reported to have said, “The Aqîqah is a right (upon you). (Slaughter) for a boy two compatible sheep, and for a girl: one.” (Ahmad and others.)[1]

Although many people send money to poor Muslim countries for the 'Aqîqah, this important Sunnah should be revived in the societies we live in as well. By having the Aqîqah in your locality, by eating of the meat yourself and having your friends and family and other Muslims gather and take part in this joyous occasion or in distributing the meat to them there are many benefits: First of all this is the way the Prophet (sallallâhu alaihi wa sallam) practiced it. The sense of identity of the Muslim community as well as Muslim children will increase, people will know that there is a new addition to the Ummah and will pray for your child Inshaa' Allâh and you will be able to enjoy this occasion and perhaps meet family and friends who you may not be able to see so often now that you are a busy mother.

• A good name is one of the rights of the child. Good names are those which are known to be pleasing to Allâh and approved by His Messenger or acceptable to the scholars of Islam.

Recommended names are those that show servitude to Allâh: 'Abdullah (Servant of Allah), Abdur-Rahmân (Servant of the Merciful) etc. The names of the Prophets and Sahâbah and the pious people before us will also have a good affect on the childs psyche. She will want to be like Mariam (‘alaihas-Salâm) and he will want to be like ‘Umar (Radhi Allâhu ‘anhu) if you give them those names Inshaa' Allâh. And the child will have a role model in their name and love to hear the story of a person in the past with their name. Make sure the name has a good meaning, don’t just name it because it sounds good. There have been some people especially from amongst the non-Arabs who have named their children names that sound good but have a bad or improper meaning for a Muslim. That name will have an affect on the character of that child and will follow that child for life. One name that we came across amongst some children was a Muslim girl called: Ilâha! Meaning ‘goddess’! We seek refuge in Allâh from such names.

• Circumcision: If you have a son, get him circumcised on the seventh day or as soon as you can so as not to cause the child discomfort.

It’s good to get a personal recommendation when looking for a doctor and the procedure is a very easy one and local anesthetic is usually used. Usually healing takes a week or two.

Du’a and other acts of worship

A common statement made by some sisters who are mothers is, “I don’t get any time to do ‘Ibâdah”. This is a misconception amongst us because we don’t realize that even the every day tasks that we do as Muslims become acts of worship if they are accompanied with a good intention. So, perhaps you are spending most of your time caring for your baby and even after the post-partum bleeding period you may not be able to pray as many superogaratory prayers or teach Qur’ân or do other praiseworthy acts that you used to do. But remember, the job that you are doing is one which Allâh has ordained for you, and a very important and rewardable one if you do it mindfully and for the sake of Allâh. You are bringing up the future worshippers of Allâh, the future scholars or Mujâhidîn (those who struggle for the deen), teachers or leaders: the future Ummah (Muslim Nation)!

Although you will not be performing Salâh as you are in your Post natal bleeding period, this is a time you need to call on Allâh regularly and using His names and attributes, call on Him sincerely, ask Him to make easy anything you may be finding difficult. Make du'a (supplication) for your child, as the du’a of the mother for her child is answered as occurs in the hadîth,

“There are three supplications that are answered – there being no doubt about it: the supplication of the oppressed, the supplication of the traveler and the supplication of the parent for his child.”[2]

Some du’as you can make for your child are as follows:

The du’a that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to make for al-Hasan and al-Husayn which was also the du’a that the Prophet Ibrahîm ('alaihis salâm) used to make for Ismaîl and Ishâq was:

And the du’a of Mariam’s mother ('alaihas Salâm), when she said to Allâh,

Suratul Fâtihah, Ayatul Kursî and the last three Surah’s of the Qur’ân can also be recited for seeking protection.

You may be awake in the night feeding your child for long stretches, so take this opportunity to make du’a and make adhkâr (the remembrance of Allah) while feeding. Du’a and Dhikr are in and of themselves ‘Ibâdah. Allâh has given us many ways of worshipping him for all different situations. You could revise the Surahs you have memorized[4] or just listen to Qur’ân recitation and contemplate on the meaning. Getting your baby used to having the Qur’ân recited to him will Inshaa' Allâh be beneficial and have an effect on him. Or get some cassettes with talks on them to listen to as this can have a very positive effect on you especially if the talks are inspirational like the Stories of the Prophets or Sahabah.

Breastfeeding

With your baby’s arrival, the first part of his Rizq or provision arrived too and that is breast milk! Allâh (subhânahu wa ta’âla) ordained breastfeeding for humans and many animals and people have been breastfeeding from the beginning of their existence.

Allâh’s Messengers too were breast-fed. Allâh (the All-Mighty) inspired Musa’s mother to put her baby Musa in a basket in the river to save him from Pharaoh’s killing decree, Pharaoh’s family found him and wanted to keep him and looked everywhere for a wet-nurse to breastfeed him and Allâh caused Musa to refuse to be breast-fed by any woman except his own mother.

The Prophet Muhammad (sallallâhu‘alaihi wa sallam) in his childhood, suckled from his mother Aaminah, Thuwaybah – a slave girl of his uncle Abu Lahab, Umm Ayman and Halimah as-Sa’diyyah.[5]

The Prophet’s (sallallâhu‘alaihi wa sallam) children too were breastfed. His son Ibrahîm had a wet-nurse as occurs in a hadîth and when his son passed away he was only 1 year and 10 months old so there were two months of suckling left for him. The Prophet(sallallâhu alaihi wa sallam) said, as narrated by Al-Bara (bin Azib), The Prophet, after the death of his son Ibrahîm, said, "There is a wet-nurse for him (i.e. Ibrahîm) in Paradise."[6]

It is only in modern times that the wide use of artificial forms of baby-feeding, cow’s and goat’s milk formulas, have been used and that women have left their homes in pursuit of careers which make them leave the superior role that Allâh has given them. Many of their careers and past-times have pulled them away from the home to serve others and leave their own families.

Allâh (subhanahu wa ta’âla) tells us the recommended time of suckling a child in the Qur’ân, "And the mothers are to suckle their infants for two years, for those who wish to complete the suckling." (Surah Baqarah 2:233)

“We have enjoined upon the human being to treat his parents kindly. His mother bore him with weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years.” (Surah Luqman 31:14)

Look at the importance of breastfeeding! Our Creator even mentions it in the Qur’ân a number of times!

Breastfeeding is widely acknowledged now as being the best food for babies. It provides everything your baby needs: it is clean and sterilized, the right temperature, it’s fresh, it’s easily digested, contains antibodies and anti-allergens and is designed by Allâh perfectly for your baby’s needs. As a result, breast fed babies have better immune systems, and less infections. But that is not all. Scientists agree that babies gain many psychological and emotional benefits through breastfeeding too. Some scholars say that the good characteristics of the mother are transferred to the child through breastfeeding. The child feels ultimate comfort and security through being so close to his mother and their special bond is strengthened, so much so that in Islâm if a non-related woman breastfeeds a child she becomes a foster mother to him and her children are foster sisters and brothers to him who he cannot marry! As the Prophet (sallallâhu‘alaihi wa sallam) said as is related in a number of Ahadîth, ”Indeed, Allâh has prohibited (marriage) among suckling relatives, as He has prohibited it among birth (or blood) relatives.”[7]

What more proof do we need of the bond that is created through breast-feeding? It is permissible with the parent’s joint agreement to have a child breastfed by another woman and that wet-nurse is entitled to a wage. It was the custom at the time of the Prophet (sallallâhu‘alaihi wa sallam) to be breastfed by other women, which strengthened relationships and made more mahram men for women etc. This also took the strain off one woman if she was finding it difficult.

In Islâm, unless there is a legitimate excuse, the mother is required to breastfeed her baby. It is an obligation upon both parents – the mother provides the milk and the father provides the material support for the mother even if they are divorced.[8] If a parent thinks there is a need to wean the baby before the end of two years it is permissible after consultation and joint agreement.

In the West, although breastfeeding is regarded as the best way to feed a child, still, some health professionals do not hesitate to advise women to give their babies formula milk top-ups or to part-breast-feed, part-bottle-feed, even without a serious reason. Unfortunately many Muslim Women take this up too. Of course if there is a serious reason then this is unavoidable (although reviving the tradition of other women feeding our children would be very useful in this case). But all too often our sisters are talked into bottle-feeding for convenience reasons or because a baby’s weight is not picking up as quickly as the chart says it should. However many women have found that even if it seems difficult at first, if they persevere, breastfeeding becomes easier. Yes you may have some discomfort early on and it is physically demanding at times because as the mother, you alone must wake up often and feed you baby whereas with bottle-feeding someone else can do it for you. But we must ask ourselves: Why has Allâh given the mother such an honoured and lofty status in Islam? Why does she have so many rights upon her children, even more than the father in many cases? Is it not because of the sacrifices she made? The pain she endured? The nights she stayed awake?

Your new baby has just come from a very secure environment where all his needs were being met and he was so close to you and now he is suddenly in this very sensuous world where he may be feeling hunger, thirst, seperation, pain for the first time. He needs you and that closeness, nourishment and security that suckling gives him.

As Sheikh Suhaib Hasan so aptly puts,

“…the child should be suckled for the first two years of his life, instead of being given powdered milk which has been stored in tins for months. Few adults would abandon fresh fruit and vegetables for stale, tinned foods, yet they are quite happy to feed nothing but tinned milk and foods to their infants. Secondly, just as the mother’s blood in the womb passes nutrients and her emotions through to the blood of her child, so her milk also passes her characteristics and emotions to her child while she is suckling him, causing him to feel immense comfort and confidence.”[9]

The scholars of the past too knew the importance of breast milk and the following is just a snippet of Imaam Ibn ul Qayyim’s (may Allah have mercy on him) advice regarding breastfeeding,

“Babies should only be fed the (mother’s) milk until their teeth appear. Their stomach and digestive system (in the early months) are incapable of handling (solid) food. When the babies teeth come out, its stomach becomes strong and ready for food. Indeed, Allâh delays the growth of teeth until the baby needs the food. This is from His wisdom and kindness, and out of mercy toward the mother and her breast’s nipples, so that the baby would not bite them with its teeth.

The babies should be given solid food in a gradual manner, starting with soft foods, such as wet bread, (animal) milk, yoghurt, meat broth… The parents should not be too disturbed by the baby’s crying and screaming, especially when it is hungry for milk. That crying benefits the baby tremendously, training its limbs, widening its intestines, broadening its chest…

The complete breast-feeding term is two years. This is a right for the baby – if it needs it and cannot do without it…”[10]

Patience & Gratitude

Whenever there are difficult patches in our lives we should remember Allâh’s saying, the meaning of which is,

“Indeed after every hardship is ease, Indeed after every hardship is ease.” (Surah ash-Sharh (94), âyah 6)

No pain afflicts a Muslim except that some of his sins are forgiven due to it. If things happened in labour, which you didn’t like, discuss with your husband how you could avoid those things in the future. But try not to over analyse things. Simply think of solutions and seek advice and seek Allâh’s aid and move on. Deal with any major problems you can highlight to the hospital or nursing staff, but move on. We should remember to count the blessings in our situation and we will find that even though this testing time seems difficult to us - there will always be people who are being tested more than us and our situation is still much better than that of many.

If your labour was particularly difficult, think about Mariam (‘alayhas-salâm) and how she was all alone through childbirth, no hospital and facilities, no husband, no books telling her what to expect, no family support -and on top of that the fear of being falsely accused by her people and given a bad reputation. Allâh tells us in the Qur’ân, the meaning of which is:

“So she conceived him (‘Isa) and she retired with him to a remote place. And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said, “Oh! Would that I had died before this! Would that I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!” But (a voice) cried to her from beneath her saying, “Grieve not! For your Lord has provided a water stream under you. And shake the trunk of the palm-tree towards you, it will let fall fresh ripe-dates upon you. So eat and drink and be glad. And if you see any human being, say, ‘Verily I have vowed a fast unto the Most Gracious (Allâh) so I shall not speak to any human being this day.’” Then she brought him (the baby Isa) to her people, carrying him. They said, “Oh Mariam! Indeed you have brought a mighty strange thing!” (Surah Maryam: âyât 22-27)

She had no one but Allâh (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to help her and of course, He was enough for her. Reflect on this: if labour pains are so difficult to bear, then how is it that we sin and do not fear Allâh’s punishment which is more bitter and longer lasting? Should we not now think twice before we sin?

There are probably women in our own families who had much less than we do, less information, facilities and support all round. So we must be thankful. You will see that Inshaa' Allâh, within weeks or months you will be physically healed and will become a lot more organized. Allâh has made us able to adapt to changes over time, so we must trust in Him and ask Him to help us overcome any weaknesses we think we may have.

Slow down & Prioritise

You may feel that there are many things to do and balance in the early days…but if you prioritise and really think about what is important and what can wait, you will achieve a lot more Inshaa' Allâh. You may have to totally concentrate on your baby and his/her needs and devote your time completely to feeding and other needs. Allâh has made doing this easier for us Alhamdulillah by lifting the obligation of praying at this time so that we can devote our time to our baby’s needs.

So for a short time, leave the less important things and concentrate on the job at hand and soon, you will be able to balance more things Inshaa' Allâh. Sleep when your baby sleeps and leave the things such as cleaning till you are on your feet a bit more, or ask friends and family to help. When things settle down more, you can write down the most important things that need to be done and try and do them throughout the day.

Seek help and advice and do your research

Find out about Islamic rulings regarding any issues you face. There is no shortage of information in our times Alhamdulillâh. And it is very advisable for sisters to be informed about childbirth, pain relief options and their implications etc. It is also useful to read up about breastfeeding and what to expect of your baby in the first weeks and months of life. If you get the things you think you’ll need before the birth of your baby then Inshaa' Allâh, this will save you and your husband a lot of running around afterwards. You may need to be shown how to breast-feed correctly. So seek help from the women in your family and your Muslim sisters or even the midwife. Sometimes this is the only way to learn how to do it properly and avoid pain and problems later.

Getting advice from our mothers and friends who are mothers is very important because they usually have tips and advice that books cannot teach us. Many sisters like to stay with their mothers in the early weeks. This way they can get as much help and advice as possible and the whole family can spend quality time with the baby! In the past and in many cultures today, extended families live together which can make things easier.

Being around good people will have a good impact on your mood and eemân (faith). The Internet has many medical websites or websites with parent and baby information, which you could look up instantly if you need advice or information quickly about any issues that come up.

Be mindful of your husband’s rights

Books by non-Muslims and magazines are always giving women excuses to behave badly! Hormones are blamed for everything unreasonable a woman does. Hormones and other pressures do have an affect and the good husband will realize this and also be understanding. But Islaam teaches us Sabr – patience and perseverance in the face of adversity and trying situations. So even at this time when you should put your needs and the needs of your baby first, your husband’s rights should not be neglected.

The coming of your child is a happy time for him too and one of changes and Inshaa' Allâh your husband will be helping you as much as he can and this will be a time for your family unit to grow even closer Inshaa' Allâh. Perhaps he can take time off work at this stage. Seek his help and explain to him how you feel so that he can help you as much as possible and make du’a (supplication) for him.

Things that seem obvious to you may not be to him so explain, so that he can empathize. Enjoy your time with your new family and Inshaa' Allâh, you will see that very soon, as things settle down, you will get more organized and your day will have more structure Inshaa' Allâh and you’ll wonder how you ever lived without the precious little one in your lives. It’s obvious but you must discuss and consult with him any decisions that need to be made. Remember to be thankful to your husband for all the help and support he will have given you through childbirth and before that. Unthankfulness is one of the bad traits that often surface in women at times of pressure, so look at this as your test.

Your good behaviour towards your husband will not go unrewarded Inshaa' Allâh. Remember the hadîth, in which Asmâ' bint Yazîd ibn as Sakan (radhiallâhu anha) came to the Prophet (sallallâhu alaihi wa sallam) and said, (this is a weak hadeeth)

“Oh Messenger of Allâh, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you. I have come to you on behalf of the women. We have believed in you. We do not go out and we remain in your homes. We are your source of physical pleasure. We carry your children. A man goes out to pray jumu’ah and jamâ’ah and follows the janazah. And if you go out fo Hajj, or ‘Umrah, or Jihâd, we look after your wealth. We wash your clothing. We raise your children. Shall we not share in the reward?”

The Prophet (sallallâhu alaihi wa sallam) turned to his companions and said, “Have you ever heard anything a woman has said better than what she has said?”

Then he said to her, “Understand oh woman, and inform the other women. Indeed a woman’s perfection of her relationship with her husband, her seeking his pleasure, and doing that which he approves of is equivalent to all of that.” Asmâ left exclaiming “La ilâha illa Allâh!”[11]

Enjoy your baby

Enjoying the company of your child is also a blessing from Allâh. Look at the story of Musa’s mother in the Qur’ân and see how the separation of mother and child is such a test. It is one of the most moving stories mentioned in the Qur’ân. Her son is born in the year when Pharaoh has decreed the killing of every newborn son of Bani Isra’îl. She knows that soon Pharaoh’s men will come and kill her child. Allâh (subhanahu wa ta’ala) says, the meaning of which is,

“So we sent this inspiration to the mother of Musa: ‘Suckle your child, but when you fear for him, then cast him into the river and fear not, nor grieve. Verily! We shall bring him back to you and shall make him one of our Messengers.'”

Then the household of Pharaoh picked him up, that he might become for them an enemy and a cause of grief. For indeed, Pharaoh, Haman and all their men were sinners. And the wife of Pharaoh said: 'A comfort of the eye for me and for you. Kill him not, perhaps he may be of benefit to us, or we may adopt him as a son.” And they perceived not (what they were doing)!

And the heart of the mother of Musa became empty. She was very near to disclosing his case, had we not strengthened her heart, so that she might remain a firm believer. And she said to Musa’s sister: “Follow him.” So she watched him from a far place secretly, while they perceived not.

And We had already forbidden other foster suckling mothers for him, until she (Musa’s sister) said: “Shall I direct you to a household who will rear him for you, and will look after him in a good manner?”

Thus did We restore him to his mother, that her eye might be comforted, that she might not grieve and that she might know that the promise of Allâh is true: but most of them know not.” (Surah Al-Qasas, âyât 7-13)

Look how much Allâh cared for this great mother, He knew her pain and her feelings and He returned her child to her in the most unexpected way, so we must realize that Allâh is All-Hearing All-Merciful, He knows the plight of the caller when he calls and remember how Allâh has helped mothers throughout the ages and how He mentions many mothers in the Qur’ân: Mariam and her mother, Musa’s mother, Ishâq’s mother Sara, the mother of Yahya (‘alayihimus salâm).

So enjoy your new baby’s company because these days will pass- never to return. At the different stages of our lives: the beginning of parenthood and at every stage, we will find lessons to reflect upon, signs from Allâh that make us thankful and in awe of Him. From the development of your baby throughout the nine months and in seeing him grow and flower every single day there are signs for you and we can see how helpless we too were and how Alhamdulillah Allâh gave us parents and allowed us to grow. There are so many lessons and benefits for us if only we look and think.

Remember that Allâh the Almighty is more merciful to us than the mother is to her child, and He is Arhamu-rRâhimîm (The Most Merciful of those who have mercy), so draw near to Him and make Him the One upon whom you place your trust.

_________________

Footnotes

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Category: Pregnancy and New Born

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"Verily the creation of everyone of you is brought together in the mother's womb as a drop of semen for forty days, then it becomes a clot for the same period, then it becomes a blob of flesh for the same period. Then the angel will be sent unto it to blow into it a spirit (rooh), and the angel is ordered (to carry out) four instructions: to write down his livelihood, the span of his life, his deeds, and either he is wretched or fortunate..." And so goes the first part of one of the most well-known hadeeth recorded by Imaam al-Bukhari and Imaam Muslim on the subject of Qadr (predestination).

The significance of this Hadeeth is that science has recently verified this process of embryo/fetus development. 

That is, six weeks, roughly 40 days after fertilisation, the embryo is developed from zygote - sperm and ovary - to an embryo. Then in another 6 weeks, roughly another 40 days, it develops into a fetus (a clot); after which for about the same period, again roughly another 40 days, it develops into the recognisable human form (a blob of flesh).

Science has also verified that the fetus can think. Before 120 days the fetus does not think,

"The brain of the fetus appears to be electrically silent during the first six weeks of life. After this time, slowly activities of low intensity occurs. So although the brain is at least 'moving', it is not 'thinking' in any real sense." (The Thinking Fetus)

But after 120 days, when the spirit (rooh) enters the fetus, brain activities take place,

"The fetus becomes conscious sometime during the second trimester...There is ultrasound evidence that about 23 weeks (161 days) the fetus dreams. Dreaming is certainly an indication of the presence of the mental capabilities required for thought..." (The Thinking Foetus)

There are numerous other things which the fetus can do in this period. Such as expressing emotions (happiness, fear, disgust etc.) through it's facial expressions. It can show anxiety through the sucking of the thumb, assert itself and protest through kicking, and it develops memory.

One other important development during this stage is the ability to distinguish and recognise sounds. Experiments have been carried out that proved this:

When words were repeated by the mother to her fetus, after it is born, the baby will prefer,

• a story that has been read twice a day to it, when it was a fetus, to a new one.
• a newborn will recognize and copy its mother's words.
• when a theme music to a program was played, a newborn whose mother watched the show during pregnancy, will calm down.

What is significant about this is that babies can be taught some Surahs (chapters) from the Qur'aan while they were in their mother's womb.

Imagine if you were to read the Qur'aan everyday to your fetus, by the time it is born, inshaa' Allah, it will prefer the Qur'aan over other books and sounds. It will recognise the Qur'aan and try to copy it, and it will use the recitation of the Qur'aan to find solace. Is that not what we all want for ourselves, let alone for your child? Imagine your reward when you have bestowed, with Allah's Grace, this tremendous gift on your child. Your reward will be two-fold: one for you reciting the Qur'aan, the other for you and your child for having taught him the Qur'aan.

Even if you cannot read the whole Quran, whatever you can read, inshaa' Allah, will benefit the both of you. A few surahs twice a day will engender, Allah Willing, a love of the Quran in your child.

So the next time that you are pregnant, or if you are pregnant now, inshaa' Allah, instead of watching T.V. or listening to music, reach for the Qur'aan and start reciting.

Reference

'The Thinking Foetus', Better Parenting, Vol 1, No 1, pg, 22.

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Category: Getting Married

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Hadith Al-Bukhari - Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Many of my young friends who are now getting ready to commit matrimony are asking me for advice about selecting a spouse. My advice is common to both men and women. So here goes with the 6 – critical requirements:

1. Islam: As Rasoolullah [p] said in the hadith above a woman is married for four things but her religion is the most important. The same applies to the men. So the first thing to look for is whether your prospective spouse is observant of at least the basics of Islam. These would be the following:

Religion: Salah, fasting, charity (ask about this), Qur'an (can they at least read it fluently? It is a shame that grown up men and women ready to get married can't even read the Qur'an fluently and correctly with Tajweed.)

Character: Courage, patience, a sense of honor (gheerah), confidence, presence, manliness (in men), shyness (in women), modesty (in both), composure, a sense of peace and harmony, comfort with silence, not talking incessantly, dignity.

Appearance: Hijaab for the women and beards for the men. You don't want to marry an effeminate man who looks like a woman. It is confusing. Style (there's nothing endearing about looking like something the cat threw up). Most men end up looking like their fathers and most women like their mothers. So take a good look at the father and mother and decide; because that is who you are going to be looking at every morning.

Caveat: If he/she does not care about what Allaah (s) said, they are not going to care about what you say. Also in a tight spot, if they have Taqwah, it is that which will come to their aid and help to resolve the situation. If it is not there to begin with then there's a major problem. Finally in a conflict, it is the Qur'an and Hadith that is your final refuge. If they don't consider that to be important, then you will be up the creek without a paddle. Their beauty will wear out in a few months (you will stop noticing it) and their wealth is not yours anyway. This person will be the one who will assist you in bringing up your children and these children will be the source of your Jannah or your Jahannam. So if you have someone who is not committed to her/his Deen then you are sunk, no matter how cute they look. So run away, fast. This is critical. Stop reading this right now because if this is not there, the rest of it doesn't matter.

2. Forget falling in love: Falling is never a good thing. Love as we know it (from our romantic notions) is simply another word for physical attraction. It lasts usually for 2 weeks. Since you want your marriage to last a bit longer than that, it is a good idea to focus on respect which will grow into love. Not falling into but growing into. What does that mean? It means that 25 years after you have been married every time you look at your spouse you fall in love all over again. Growing in love means evolving a common language of looks, signals and words that only you two can understand. It is almost magical to see it work. I wish it for all those who read this. That is heaven on earth. So it is respect, honor and dignity that result in love. This love is where your spouse will stand up for you and defend you, never laugh at you in public, be considerate of your faults and hide them and be focused on the many good things that you bring to the marriage. This love means that she/he will not complain about the difficulties that may happen along the way but will work with you to overcome them and stand in the night and cry before Allaah (s) and ask for His intervention. This is the person who will never leave your side as long as you live and will pray for your forgiveness when you are gone. In my experience this is the only person who you can rely on to do it, for all others will forget after a while.

3. Manners: If their religion is good, then watch how they treat their servants, parents, other siblings. Watch how they speak to the waiters in the restaurants, drivers and other service people. Do they show kindness and concern for others? Do they have compassion? Do they show respect for others? Table manners are very important as well. Do they say 'Thank you or Jazakallah' and 'Sorry'? Do they smile often or do they look like you will have to take them to the dentist to see their teeth. Do they laugh? What kind of jokes do they make?

Caveat: I know what you are thinking; if their religion is good then their Akhlaaq must automatically be good. But you know as well as I do that today, this can't be taken for granted. Manners are critical because the day after your honeymoon you are going to be at the receiving end of them. So you'd better make sure you like what you are about to receive. Kindness, concern, compassion and a sense of humor are worth their weight in gold. They are what will make your marriage and your home a heaven on earth.

4. Conversation: What do they talk about? Airheads are of all types, genders and without blond hair and will drive you insane; unless of course you are one of them. Listen to them more than you talk because you are doing the assessment. Look for a breath of knowledge, depth of perception, structured thinking and overall understanding of situations. Ask what they read; authors, books and topics. See if they are more critical than forgiving; do they look for faults more than look for excuses for those faults; do they talk more about problems or about solutions? Do they talk more about material stuff or about the Aakhirah? When they talk about religion are they more critical of others or more focused on their own conduct, shortcomings and need for change? Do they sound like they are dogmatic and bigoted and overly sold on this or that sectarian group and critical of all others? In other words are they focused more towards commonalities with others or differences; are they more towards dividing or bringing people together?

Caveat: Conversation is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without it you have nothing. Most couples stop talking to one another less than six months into the marriage. Make sure you are not one of them and for that you need someone you can talk to, share interests with, respect, are interested in and who you can learn something from. Without conversation your marriage won't go too far.

5. Common Life Goal: Look for commonalities in interests, life goal and passions (especially if you are passionate about something). You are going to live together for the next 20-30 years and so you'd better be focused in generally the same direction. Otherwise you are going to spend a lot of time alone or end up fighting.

Caveat: You need support in your life goal; whether it is to change the world or to bring up children (it is the same thing, believe me). You need someone who will share your pain and joy, give you ideas and listen to you with interest. You need someone who doesn't run your life goal down as being unimportant. You need someone who has a life goal that inspires you to invest your time, energy, emotion and thought in. Serious long term pursuits are the secret of happy marriages. Not kitty parties, boys nights out and the bowling alley.

6. The Family: Look at the whole family; their 'Aqeedah, religious practice, culture, habits, lifestyle, norms, and customs. Can you live with them? Some 'Aqeedah issues are completely incompatible, e.g. families that are into grave worship and dargahs. Other issues may not be totally incompatible but still difficult to live with, e.g. issues to do with covering, seriousness about Salaah and so on.

Caveat: I know you did not marry the whole family but believe me, especially in our Middle East, Subcontinent cultures the family is very much a part of the equation. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life fighting to keep your wife or husband on the right track, then you'd better make sure the family is on the same track as you are. The same goes for their lifestyle, manners, food habits, things they give importance to and so on. It is not necessary to have a replica of your own home, but the degree to which there is a difference to that degree you will have to adjust and change. Remember that all change is painful and so the less you have, the happier you will be.

If you marry into a joint family and have to live with your husband's (or in rare cases) with the wife's family then the degree of adjustment will be far more. I am not saying that you should not marry into a joint family but if you do, please do it with your eyes wide open and a big heart, a thick skin, lots of patience and willingness to change yourself and adjust with people. Otherwise you are headed for sublime torture which will kill your marriage sooner or later. Living in a joint family can be very trying in the here & now, but can be very rewarding when you grow old. So keep your eye on the future and accept the present as the price for not being lonely in your old age and dying alone in an old age home. If you still don't think you can take it, then don't marry into a joint family.

Joint families mean a lot of support especially in the upbringing of children as well as in a whole gamut of situations. But it also means that others will have an opinion about you and will 'interfere' with your life. Whether you see that 'interference' as concern or as being 'nosey' is up to you. Both have consequences. Leaving the family to live on your own may not be an option at all or may be possible only with major heartburn on all sides leaving bruised egos, emotions and relationships. Not something that you will enjoy and so something much to be avoided if possible.

Final Words of Caution:

A word of caution for those intrepid souls who believe they can change others. Allaah (s) kept Hidaayah (guidance) in His Hand. Maybe you can change people and if so all power to you. But more likely you are like 99.9% of the world which only believes that it can change people. Anyone who looks at someone before they marry them and says, 'I will change him/her and then they'll be just fine'; is taking their life into their hands, quite literally. If the person you want to marry needs changing, let someone else do it. You leave them alone and go find someone who you can admire and look up to and want to be like.

Marrying someone by looking at a profile on the internet is like playing Russian roulette: One of the chambers will have a bullet in it. It is a gamble which I would seriously advise you not to take with your life. I have seen too many ruined. If you don't know enough about your spouse don't marry them. Islam permits you to make enquiries and to meet the spouse before marriage along with your Mahram to ensure that you find out enough about them. All that I have mentioned above can be ascertained in one or two meetings if you know what you are looking for and keep your eyes open. Make sure you do that.

Finally let's not forget; look at all that I have mentioned above and ask yourself, 'How much do I fit into this myself? How many of the criteria do I meet? Am I likely to be a good spouse for the person I marry?' Take marriage seriously because happy marriages are made by serious people. Take it seriously because after all it is your life that we are talking about.

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Category: Getting Married

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A sister asked Sheikh Yawar Baig a question regarding marriage; This was his response.

Question:

I want to get married to this man in my university who says that the best thing for him is to get married to get out of the temptations that surround him. He is still a student on scholarship and has no income or career. What is your advice?

Answer:

جزاك اللهُ خيراً for your question. My advice is that you learn to eat grass. If you marry someone without an income, that is what you will need to be able to do at some point. Sorry to be rude – but as George Bernard Shaw said:

'You must never be afraid to offend people because that is the only time that they listen.'

So I hope you are offended and can wake up from the hormone induced dream that you are in before it turns into a nightmare.

For a man to be suitable to marry, you must look for three things:

1. How is his Deen?

-Is he on the Shari'ah and Sunnah?

-Is he particular to avoid the doubtful things? 

-How are his manners? Not to you – but to all around him.

-Is he argumentative and combative about everything? Is he an auto-refuter?

-Is he kind and considerate to those weaker than him? Does he thank the waiter and the doorman?

-Is there a smile on his face or a frown? Does he have a sense of humor?

-Is he smart? Does he read more than comics? Can you have a serious, sensible conversation with him?

-Is his brain bigger than his biceps? (If he proposed to you without an income, I seriously doubt that it is).

-Is his language that of inclusion or exclusion – looking down on others who he considers as not so good Muslims as himself?

-Does he praise more or criticize more? Is he forgiving of others or eager to expose their faults?

-How particular is he about avoiding Haraam (Sorry to point out, but if he was having conversations with you without a Mahram, he and you were already indulging in Haraam)?

2. Can he support himself?

-How? Not dreams and smooth talk – but actual nuts and bolts. Here and now?

-Has he completed his education? How much longer will that take?

-Will his family support this marriage of yours until he can get a job (lousy situation to be in but better than eating grass)?

-What is his profession and how soon can he get a job?

-What kind of income does he have today and what can he look forward to?

-Is that enough to support you and your family?

-Believe me, today you may think that you can live on love and sunshine but I doubt that you can pay your rent with sunshine. Neither will sunshine buy you bread – that's why I said that you may like to start eating grass because that is free and maybe you can even hire your services out as a walking lawn mower and make some money as well.

3. How compatible are you with each other and each other's families?

-That means that you wake up and ask some basic questions like what do they eat?

-Where do they come from? Country and culture. Not race. I have seen marriages between Africans and African Americans break up in six months because Africans and African Americans are two different cultures, even though racially they are the same. Race doesn't matter. Culture does. Difference is not bad. Incompatibility is. And many a time, difference translates as incompatibility.

-What is the relationship and expectation from the parents in law?

-How do they live? Are they from a multi-marriage culture where your husband-to-be who can't resist temptations today will once again not be able to resist temptations and will take unto himself another wife; and perhaps another. So how will you take to that?

-What kind of financial background do your husband's family come from? Is there too much of a disparity?

My mother used to say,

'To patch a tear in a muslin garment you don't use gold brocade.'

Finally of all the dumb reasons to marry is to 'stay out of temptation'. I know I have just put myself in line for the Fatwah of all my 'strong' brothers who will strike me down with this and that Hadith. But before I go down, let me say to you, my dear sister, in plain words; What he is saying in effect is that he needs a legal means for sex.

So what happens when the hormones are not boiling any longer? He's not marrying you for yourself. He is marrying you for himself. That is the worst reason to get married to anyone for. Believe me and wake up. Or keep sleeping and find out for yourself when the dream turns into a nightmare. After all nightmares are also dreams.

I will tell you what happens in 9 cases out of 10. When things get too tough and you demand time, attention and money, he will walk away and you will be left holding the baby – quite literally. Then what are you going to do?

So wake up and answer this questionnaire and if he comes out on top, by all means marry him. If not suggest to him to take cold showers – maybe he should put his bed in the shower – and you focus on your education. You came to the university to study. Not to look at boys. He came to study. Not to look at girls. Concentrate on your education. Get distinction. And go home. And then see what Allah has in store for you in terms of your Rizq – a husband you can look up to and be proud of. A husband who will be proud of you and treat you like a princess – not only during your honeymoon but for all your life.

I wish you all the best in this world and the next.

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"I'm afraid of getting married," she told me. She, like the countless other women who had approached me, confessed what she thought was unique to her. "I'm constantly told by older married women that I should enjoy my life being single because marriage is a burden. I've never seen an example of a happy marriage. My married friends call me to complain about their husbands and ask me for advice. How am I supposed to know what to tell them?! I try to provide support, but all those conversations do is make me feel even more insecure about committing to someone in a marital relationship. I truly want to get married, but I'm honestly afraid of being unhappy."

"Is it possible..." she trailed, her voice cracking, "Do happy marriages... you know, the ones in the movies where they can't wait to be with each other, where they're madly in love with each other...do they exist? Is hot, passionate, love even real?"

The amalgamation of her questions were the same which young women have consistently approached me with; their innate desires to get married often overshadowed by the fear of an unavoidable matrimony of suffering. Having little to no examples of passionate marriages in real life and being inundated with romantic love stories such as "The Notebook," these young women have continuously posed the same questions, "Is it possible to be happy in a marriage? Is that physical, emotional passion, real?"

The answer? Yes! Yes, it is possible. Yes! It is real. While it may be problematic to compare a real-life relationship to the fake ones portrayed in a few hours of a movie, your marriage still can make celebrity characters jealous of your fiery, playful, emotionally intriguing, physically flaming relationship.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Noha Alshugairi, provides wisdom based on research describing the ingredients required for such a relationship. She shares,

"Psychologist Robert Sternberg describes 7 forms of love depending on how much passion, intimacy, and commitment the relationship contains. He describes the one that has all 3 factors as consummate love. This is the love that will withstand the test of time and will bring a couple the Sakinah (tranquil) marriage Allah describes in Surat ar-Rum."

So, if it does exist, how can a single person seeking such love attain it in their future martial life? The beginning of the answer lies in helping ensure one marries the right spouse.

The following are 10 considerations one could make through this process:

Know yourself.

Knowing your priorities, your general life perspective, your own expectations in marriage, will help inform what you should be looking for in a potential spouse. Ask yourself: why do I want to get married? What are my needs in a relationship? What do I expect out of marriage?

Also, understand that marriage is not the solution to your own deficiencies, nor will it be the solution to all your life problems. Work to develop your own self without expecting marriage to somehow mystically change your life. Marriage can be a great source of support and encouragement for self-improvement, but if we are not personally working on ourselves now, how can we expect that it will be easier with the additional baggage of another individual who is also imperfect?

Prioritize your criterion.

Create a list of core and extra qualities you need in a spouse. Also, understand what you absolutely cannot accept. As advised by Noha Alshugairi,

"Really focus on core criteria that will make or break a marriage. If you are not sure about the difference between core and extra criteria, talk to people who are married or to professionals."

Know that some criteria are much more important for the success of a marriage than others and be reasonable when considering a potential. If the individual you are considering has everything you want except for the absolute most important item on your core list, then this person likely is not the one for you. Recognize that your list may change as you evolve as an individual. Keep a written copy so that you can consult your list over time and take note of those changes.

"Engage your mind before your heart."

A phrase coined by Noha Alshugairi, this step aims to help one focus on finding the right person for a lifetime. In the thrill of considering a spouse, many people become blind to discernable signals that would have otherwise been obvious. Emotions have their place; but do not allow your emotions to control your decision. Use your mind to consider whether this person is logically the right choice for the rest of your life, while consulting your heart to make sure it is comfortable with your decisions. Making sure everything checks out is much more difficult to do when one is blinded by emotion; don't get caught up in the excitement, only to crash once you get married and realize the person you live with is not the one you should be with.

Understand that taqwa (God consciousness) is not enough, and compatibility is a requirement.

Let's consider this idea: if a God-conscious person takes a class in college, yet they do not do any of the coursework or they do not do well on their exams, will they miraculously get a good grade in the class simply because they pray five times a day? Unlikely. Then how much more true is this in a marriage!

Taqwa alone is not enough; the prospect needs to be compatible as well. The marriage of Zayd and Zaynab, both incredible companions of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be up on him) who surpassed us all in their piety and good character, is an example of two great people who divorced simply due to their incompatibility. Thus deliberate: are we both considering expectations in similar ways? Religiously, are we aligned in our perspectives and goals? Is this person really good for my growth as an individual? For my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health and security? Will they be a parent? Do we share similar interests and perspectives? Will they be good for my family?

Recognize the importance of pre-marital counseling and ask questions - Consider the roles of your parents, and own your decision.

Parents play different roles often based on their background and this can impede a marriage or help it succeed. Consider your parents' roles in your courtship process and also openly discuss their roles in the life of you and your future spouse. Will you live together? Will you be expected to choose between the preferences of your parents or in-laws versus the preferences of your spouse? Where do you and your future spouse's priorities lie in relationship to parents? Answers to these questions may help you decide whether a prospect is worth considering.

Remember: You are the one living with this decision for the rest of your life. Make sure it is you who is completely certain of this being the right choice; pressure from parents or any others can lead to a life of misery. Own your decision for your own self, regardless of how difficult it may be to deal with the way others react.

Speak to someone who is trained, experienced, and who knows how to help you identify important issues and develop strategies to help you both ensure you're marrying the right person for you and that you'll, God willing, continue to feel that thrill with years after.

Ask questions which will help you understand the Potential's perspective on life and marriage. 

Prepare for your lifetime; not just a one time event.

Oftentimes, both parties focus completely on preparing for the wedding, pouring money and time into a few hours of the start of their lives together, without investing on preparing for their lifetime together. Pre-martial counseling, speaking with married couples, reading books and researching what makes marriages thrive are avenues few new couples have engaged.

Observe the Potential and keep things on the down low.

Observe them, consider their reactions when they're frustrated or embarrassed; it is likely that their unconscious reactions will be the habits they've instilled. If there is something you do not like, never expect that it will be something that they will change. They may initially, if they like you enough to want you to marry them. However, be very cautious as this type of change can be fleeting, and when reality kicks in after the marriage, it would have been a red flag you should have taken seriously.

If you're considering someone for marriage, do not share it with the world. Don't post it on Facebook and tell random people in casual conversations. Keep your affairs private, with the exception of those who matter through this process. Protect yourself and the person you're considering from simply being something to talk about. This is serious business; appreciate and respect one another's privacy.

Discuss expectations.

With the instability of the economy and the ever-changing roles of men and women's educational and career pursuits, the once "obvious" division of responsibilities requires clarifications. What responsibilities are specific to the husband, to the wife, and to both as a team? Who will work, or will both? How do you consider raising kids? For how many years will one/both support the other in their educational or career pursuits? Who is responsible for what types of housework? A clear discussion of these issues may help ease tensions that can arise when there were unstated expectations one or both parties had entering the relationship.

Pray Istikhaara (prayer seeking guidance).

Consult Allaah about your decision. You may not see any obvious signs of why this is or is not the right person, but you may feel it in your heart. Beyond the jittery feelings of excitement or nervousness, your heart may speak to you about its level of trust and comfort in this matter.

Finally, love and passion is only one aspect of marriage.

And it is not necessarily an obligatory component for a happy marriage. Many couples do not have a "passionate" relationship and they are more than happy and successful in their marriages.

Additionally, it is possible, that even when a person carefully engages in the entire process of choosing a spouse, with wisdom, depth and research, they may not find themselves happy in their marriage or they may eventually divorce.

Choosing the right person and putting in researched effort aids significantly in preparing to maintain a zesty, romantic, compassionate relationship, if that is what both are looking for, but it is only one step amongst many steps in the right direction.

Thus, discuss your own ideal vision for marriage honestly with the Potential and figure out what steps it will take to help you both get there.

The vigor may be powerful in the beginning of a happy marriage, but it has the potential to become an even stronger, indescribable force of awesomeness with the blessing of Allaah and work from both spouses.

Passionate and sustainable love in marriage can be real for many. But it takes work, growth and sacrifice from the very beginning and through end.

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Marriage is never an easy thing. We think of it as this amazing romantic bliss that we will somehow attain one day.

Sisters dream of marrying that amazing brother who has the character of the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him), the Eemaan of Aboo Bakr, the courage of Hamzah (may Allah be pleased with them), the wealth of 'Abdur-Rahmaan bin 'Awf not to mention the SWAG of 2PAC Shakur (OK maybe not the last one) but the fact still remains, everyone wants to marry that one truly amazing person and it is not much different for guys.

We wish to bump into a Hoor al-'Een that has lost her way from Jannah (we aren't too fussy about HOW she got lost...) I mean why wouldn't that ever happen? It won't happen, because you are daydreaming bro that's why.

#8 AVOID FACEBOOK SPOUSES

...And any other social network for that matter.

Since we spend most of our time online these days, it is very easy to try to fulfil all our needs online, even the need of finding a soul mate. Now don't get me wrong, there are marriages that actually do work out, and I am not by any means hating on brothers and sisters who made it work (whatever floats your boats akhis and ukthis, just keep it halaal), but let's face it, the Internet is a very weird place.

Everyone always tries to seem holier than they really are, even a Kaafir could pretend to be Muslim scholar for all you know. In the good old days people married other people who they actually knew, and life was much more smooth, in very broad terms.

But today you marry someone who comes across as religious online only to find out on your wedding night he isn't really that strict on Salaah, oh and did I mention he has tons of friends who just happen to be... girls? And not to mention he smokes ('Sorry forgot to tell you that too, my bad.') the point is, be very careful concerning ANY online proposals.

If the person is serious and a good guy, drop them your Wali's number and don't communicate with them anymore, then you'll know if the person is really a gentleman or not.

#7 BEFRIEND GOOD PEOPLE

This will open up the door for networking later on, because one of the main problems today is that a lot of people ask, 'OK, but how do I meet good potential spouses?' and they often say, 'I don't know anyone!' but in reality everyone knows SOMEBODY.

Be it that friend who you only seem to meet at the Masjid for big events, or your cousin who you don't spend much time with, there is always someone you can befriend. But keep in mind that these individuals should be good practising people themselves because then they can help introduce you to other practising people who in turn might have brothers and sisters who are looking for marriage.

#6 BE AT GOOD PLACES

In the same way that you won't find a amazing Niqabi wife at the club, dancing late into the night. You, yourself need to be looking in the right places, and this sort of brings us back to the previous point.

Attend lectures, study circles or maybe even volunteer to help at the Masjid etc, all these activities will open up the door for you to meet the right people and once you get to know them you can raise the issue of marriage discreetly.

Remember most people who are married will tell you they got to know their spouse either through family and friends, or they might have actually met whilst doing the same activities, so try to be more active and don't just sit at home feeling sorry for yourself.

#5 BE REALISTIC

Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a miskeen dude in tin foil.

Chances are, you're not going to bump into Shaikh Sudais's son, let alone the Shaikh himself, and even if you did, I highly doubt any of them would ask you for marriage (more like 'SECURITY!') So try to keep your hopes realistic, yes we all want to marry a Haafidh, we all want a sister who knows all about pleasing a husband but never had a boyfriend before. We all want a brother who is super pious with super long beard (the longer the beard the bigger the Taqwa we think, although don't know for sure) who also owns a house and has a car, plus he should be really knowledgeable too, like Shaykh Ibn Baaz (rahimahullah) knowledgeable.

But we often forget, that when you marry someone, they still have their whole life ahead of them. Most of the wives of the major scholars married these amazing men whilst they still were 'nobodies' to the community and similarly you teach your wife (with gentleness) how to be romantic and it is all a journey. If you think that you will marry that one complete person who has everything, you will never marry and that's the harsh truth.

You might just end up on facebook surfing from one profile to the other.

#4 INVOLVE YOUR PARENTS

Most people don't like doing this, for whatever reason. Most girls are just simply too shy to bring marriages up with their parents, in case the parents look at them as a victim of teenage hormones. Others are afraid that if they involve the parents they will feel pressured into marrying someone they don't want to marry only to please their parents.

Now what I am suggesting is a middle path. Bring the topic up to your parents, or if you're too shy, speak to your brother or someone else who can raise the issue with your parents. And then ask your parents to look around for you, remember they can only suggest but the final decision still lies with you. And most of us really don't make use of this option, which is very sad.

Our parents may be the only human beings alive on the face of this earth who would do anything and everything for us, so why not consult them?

#3 ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR MARRIAGE?

As Muslims we should always aim to get married since it is the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him).

But sometimes, some people rush into marriage. They think just because they are physically ready (have urges etc) that they should get married, forgetting that even the Prophet (peace be upon him) actually mentioned that those who have the MEANS to get married should do so. Now having the means is not just having a mature body, or even loads of cash. Rather it also about being mentally stable and able to cope with the hardships of marriage.

Don't worry though, in marriage all you need is love to make things work (like they always say right?) so no need to over think things, love conquers all! Except that's a total lie, marriage needs so much more, and even though love is a key element in marriage it is not always what keeps a marriage going.

Remember marriage is not all sunshine and fun, sometimes you will argue, sometimes you wont love each other as much, what will happen then? Will you ask for a divorce just because the marriage isn't fun anymore?

What if there are children involved, then what? The point is, prepare yourself for marriage mentally. Read up on the rights of the Husband and the rights of the Wife, don't just marry because you're 20 and feel you have to. This husband will be either your Jannah or Hell, do you really know what that means?

Similarly this wife and future children will be your responsibility as a husband, Allaah will ask you about them, so be prepared.

#2 WOULD YOU MARRY YOURSELF?

'Ofcourse I would, I am pure awesomeness, I am the very defin...' if that is your answer then I can tell you right now that you don't really have the right mentality for marriage. We often get blinded by the search for the ultimate partner that we neglect to look at ourselves.

We cry and say why won't anyone marry me? But do nothing to change ourselves. How do you treat people when you get upset? What do you do if you hold a grudge? Do not turn a blind eye to all these important issues, rather tackle them one by one. No one is perfect but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be trying.

If you truly and sincerely work on your own flaws, and really do become more caring and loving then you will notice how people will look at you differently. People will start to think of you as 'wifey' material because you are good with kids, because you care for others, because you forgive people and don't hold grudges don't gossip etc, the list is long but if you take one step at a time you will be married before you know it.

#1 DU'AA

Dua is the weapon of the believer, why not use it?

Because like everything in life, Allaah is the true reason behind things. Even though some people often roll their eyes and think, 'Yeah right the old, make dua brother/sister' but if you truly have faith in Allaah and know that He answers the prayers of those in need, you will never get tired of making du'aa to Him.

Take the story of Moosa ('alyhis-salaam) as an example; in Soorah Qasas we are told about how he left Fir'awn and was literally fleeing for his life, his one concern was saving his own skin. But what happened? He made du'aa to Allaah, and Allaah not only saved him but blessed him with a wonderful wife. So in short, if you make du'aa and don't give up Allaah will help you, and that is a promise!

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I was going to call this post: "Marrying Outside your Culture", but I was not sure whether I had or not. For people my age (and younger – ahem) marriage seems to be the biggest personal issue to contend with. Add this to the very cosmopolitan places many of my fellow blogging sisters live in and marrying outside of your, or your parents’, culture seems to be a growing trend.

I met my husband on a trip to Pakistan (I was originally introduced to his tall, handsome, but mean cousin and had said no). The story of how we met and how I came to my decision is definitely one I will treasure forever and after a two-year engagement during which I completed my degree, we had a joyful, raucous, chaotic Pakistani wedding.

I think it is testament to my husbands mature thinking, deep-down goodness and patience maashaa’Allah, that eight years later we are still together when the marriages of more couples we know have broken down than survived. My husband’s first job was in a warehouse where almost the entire staff was Asian and the biggest chunk Pakistani men who had married British-Pakistani women. My husband was struck by the way the majority of these men were complaining about how they thought their lives would be better after these marriages but were in fact nightmares. They had to kowtow to their in-laws and they felt their wives were unable to respect them and they to understand their wives. One described himself as like a dog in his in-laws house. Others complained they were not allowed to send money home (not even £20 to a sister for her wedding in one case).

I can sympathise with these men to an extent, but I can also see things from the other point of view. How many young girls growing up with the Hollywood/Bollywood ideal of a man or growing up in a big cosmopolitan city is then stuck with some poorly educated small-town cousin who struggles to find work in the local take-away (so much for visions of the be-suited, Lexus-driving lawyer or accountant). How do their parents ever expect such marriages to work, are they really so blind?

Even when both parties do make the effort and as in our case the affection is genuine, you have to get over the cultural losses within such a marriage. Anyone in a mixed-marriage might recognise what I mean. My husband cannot see the point of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars or Dr Who (which I love all of). He would miss a thousand childhood references that inform my life as a person who has grown up in London. In contrast, although my parents tried to give me a strong grounding in Pakistani/Punjabi language and culture, I miss a lot of cultural references that hold meaning for him. In Pakistan the most romantic night of the year is Chaand Raat, the night before Eid-ul-Fitr. Our first Eid together, I painted my hands with henna and promptly fell asleep, whilst hubby sat up and sulked that I hadn’t made any effort at all.

I think that for a long time this was the thing that I found hardest. Although we shared language and faith, our culture had been very different and our culture shapes who we are and often what we aspire to. Probably our saving grace was Islaam. Regardless of our culture, it guided us in so many ways and that meant that we aspired to the same things and had similar values.

The other thing that helped is that no matter how different your culture, marriage has its own language, its own history and a home has its own culture. After a few years this language is the one that takes precedence between you (if you are not sure about what kind of language this is, think about the times you know what the other is thinking, or when they say one thing, but you know what they really mean – “What would you like for Eid?” “Oh…nothing…”).

For us the most important thing was sincerity. So many people only marry abroad because they cannot find anyone here, or they want someone they can control easily. So many people are keen to marry an English girl or an American/Aussie/Canadian girl for the opportunity to go abroad and earn enough to send bucket-loads of cash home without any thought for the person they are using. Parents need to be aware of this and check their intentions as do their children. I married my husband because it didn’t take long to see that he was such a good person and could not do enough for others (even at his own risk).

He married me because he said he never saw me not smiling and he didn’t want a whinging misery for a wife (too late now mate!!)

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In order to get married we may get tempted to do things, which will displease Allah (swt). In order to find the right person we may date or go to mixed weddings and not wear hijaab to attract a potential suitor or choose not to wear hijaab on the wedding day. We may date our fiancée before the wedding or we may waste money on things which aren’t needed like the ice swan, the water feature, the expensive orchids and the circus acrobat. We may have music or a DJ with a dance floor. We may have ceremonies, which are not in our religion but are borrowed from others. We may order a banquet fit for a king for catering, but we waste most of the food. But if we really understood how much every detail of happiness is in Allah's (swt) control, we would choose Allah (swt) over our own desires and Allah (swt) over the desires of His creation.

“…and to Him return all affairs (for decision). So worship Him (O Muhammad SAW) and put your trust in Him. And your Lord is not unaware of what you (people) do." (s11v123)

We need to understand that every relationship, including that which is created through marriage, is only from Allah (swt).

“And it is He Who has created man from water, and has appointed for him kindred by blood, and kindred by marriage. And your Lord is Ever All-Powerful to do what He wills.” (S25v54)

So who our in-laws will be and therefore how they will treat us is in the hands of Allah (swt).

Understand that your husband has been created only by Allah (swt) as a Libaas (a body cover or clothing).

“It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of As-Saum (the fasts). They are Lîbaas for you and you are the same for them.” (S2v187)

Why did Allah (swt) use the word "libaas" to describe this relationship between a husband and a wife? If we think about it, libaas or clothing has so many functions, which can be extrapolated also to the relationship between a husband and a wife.

Clothing like this relationship:

• Covers our modesty
• Beautifies us
• Complements us
• Protects us from the environment
• Gives us comfort
• Gives us honour/humility
• Gives us confidence
• Hides our faults
• Fits us perfectly

Similarly, not only will Allah (swt) provide us with a husband but also someone who fits us perfectly.

We need to understand that only Allah (swt) will place affection and mercy between us and our husbands. Why does Allah (swt) mention affection (muwaddat) and why not “old fashioned love” (muhabbat)?  Because muwaddat is love which is expressed. Someone may love someone else but may not show that person that they do by constantly hurting their feelings or by offending them. Muwaddat is the love that when expressed enables the person to be concerned for your welfare, to worry about you, to look after you when you need it.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (S30v21)

So if we understand the above then we will place our trust in Allah (swt) in every way.

We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will provide us with in-laws who we get along with and who love and respect us and it is not our ability to speak their language, to compromise our values for them, nor our family’s support that will achieve this.

We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will provide us with a husband who is created perfectly for us and who pleases us in every way and it is not our ability to look dazzling without hijaab in a crowded room to catch men’s attention, or dating many men that will achieve this.

We place our trust in Allah (swt) that He will place affection and mercy between our husband and us and it is not our youth or our beauty, education or sense of humour or our similar interests or similarity in background that will achieve this.

If Allah (swt) is the only one who can put so much love and mercy between us and our husband and provide us with a perfect husband and provide us with perfect in-laws, then we need to only ask Allah (swt) for happiness in our future lives.

“And to Allâh belongs the Ghaib (unseen) of the heavens and the earth, and to Him return all affairs (for decision). So worship Him (O Muhammad SAW) and put your trust in Him. And your Lord is not unaware of what you (people) do." (s11v123)

Instead we will call and rely upon others for our happiness. Instead we rely upon ourselves for our happiness. We rely upon our families, our beauty, our youth, our education, our family’s social standing in the community, our job...we even start to rely upon our husbands to make it work and make us happy etc.

“O mankind! A similitude has been coined, so listen to it (carefully): Verily! Those on whom you call besides Allâh, cannot create (even) a fly, even though they combine together for the purpose. And if the fly snatched away a thing from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly. So weak are (both) the seeker and the sought. They have not estimated Allâh His Rightful Estimate; Verily, Allâh is All-Strong, All-Mighty.” (S22v73-74)

Not only will we call and rely upon others, we will disobey Allah (subhaana wa tala) to please others. To please our families, our future husband and future in-laws we will talk to our fiancée alone, have a mixed wedding, have music and dancing at the event, not wear Hijaab in front of non-mahrum men, waste money in lavish extras etc. We get so carried away ourselves in making our wedding the ultimate example to follow and envy by our guests that we displease Him - Ar-Rahmaan who gave us this day to celebrate in the first place.

"Some people set up equals with Allah, loving them as they should love Allah.  But those with faith have greater love for Allah." (S2v165)

Instead we should fear Allah (swt) who gave us this day, this person, this new family. If we displease Him, just as He gave something so wanted by us He will take it away from us or place in it unhappiness for us.

“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allâh, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself.” (s4v79)

If we do not fear Allah (swt) and with humbleness turn to Allah (swt) and ask His forgiveness and if we do not obey Allah then the fate of those before us will be our fate:

“…But their hearts became hardened, and Shaitân (Satan) made fair seeming to them that which they used to do. So, when they forgot (the warning) with which they had been reminded, We opened to them the gates of every (pleasant) thing, until in the midst of their enjoyment in that which they were given, all of a sudden, We took them to punishment, and lo! They were plunged into destruction with deep regrets and sorrows. So the roots of the people who did wrong were cut off. And all the praises and thanks be to Allâh, the Lord of the 'Alamîn (mankind, jinns, and all that exists).” (S6v43-5)

The frightening thing about the above verse of the Quran is that Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) gave these people everything that they desired and it was then that Allah (swt) punished them by taking it away from them. This is worse than never having something and it being kept away from you because you don’t know what you are missing out on. We need to be careful that we don’t forget Allah in our happiness and contentment. And it will not matter if we picked and chose from our religion some aspects that we obeyed Allah (swt) on and disobeyed Allah (swt) on other aspects:

“Then do you believe in a part of the Scripture and reject the rest? Then what is the recompense of those who do so among you, except disgrace in the life of this world, and on the Day of Resurrection they shall be consigned to the most grievous torment. And Allâh is not unaware of what you do. Those are they who have bought the life of this world at the price of the Hereafter. Their torment shall not be lightened nor shall they be helped.” (S2v85-6)

We need to obey Allah (swt) in all aspects of our religion…on all that Allah (swt) asked us to do in the Qur'aan and in the commands of the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Instead we should fear Allah (swt) so that if anything, Allah (swt) will provide us with the best.

“And whosoever fears Allâh and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).  And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh then He will suffice him. Verily, Allâh will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allâh has set a measure for all things.” (s65v2-3)

Having fear of Allah is what will give you blessings from Allah. Blessings with respect to love and mercy between your husband and you, righteous and pious children, a high status with respect to the people in your community and on the Day of Judgement in front of Allah (swt).

“And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwâ (fear of Allah), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth, but they belied (the Messengers). So We took them (with punishment) for what they used to earn.” (s7v96)

Having fear of Allah is what will give you blessings from Allah - Allah will almost rip the heavens and the earth apart to give you these - from every direction. It was taqwa which gave Mohammad (peace be upon him) the ability to return to Makkah when he and his followers had initially been driven out of Makkah for preaching and practising Islaam. It was taqwa which led Muslims to being pioneers in the fields of astronomy, mathematics, medicine, physics, architecture etc. It was taqwa which led to Yusuf (alayhisaalaam) becoming the financial minister of Egypt.

And it will be taqwa which will lead you to have happiness with your husband, your in laws, your children, your community, Allah Willing.

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The most common questions I get from young people are, "Do Muslims date?" and, "If they don't date, how do they decide whose the right person for them to marry?"

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims - where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they want to marry. Rather, in Islaam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

The following steps should be adopted:

• Make du'a (supplication) to Allah; ask Him to help you find the right person.

• The family should enquire, discuss, and suggest candidates. They should consult with each other, so as to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother should approach the other family to suggest a meeting.

• Couple should meet in chaperoned, group environment. 'Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)." (Bukhari and Muslim). The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them." (Tirmidhi).

• When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to, {lower their gaze and guard their modesty....} Islaam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, that is why this rule provides safety-measures for our own sake.

• Family should investigate candidate further - speaking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc., to learn more about his or her character before making the final decision.

• Couple should both pray Salaat-al-Istikhaarah (The Prayer For Guidance), and thus seek Allah's help in making the decision.

• An agreement should be made to either pursue marriage or part ways. Islaam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want to be in.

This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision. Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

That is why these marriages often prove successful.

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If we were to take a look at the various communities around the world, we would come to see that there has been a major change in the social circumstances of people which has affected the lives of individuals, aswell as families, and has had a very negative impact on them. Matters which used to be easy and facilitated have now became very difficult and complicated, and this in turn has brought about a new and dangerous phenomena, which one fears will in the long run cause a major commotion in the Muslim nation and adversely affect the stability of our lives individually and collectively. This is the phenomenon of life-long bachelorhood, aswell as spinsterhood.

It is unfortunate that many young men and women are reaching the age of thirty without getting married, and some of them have perhaps never even entertained the thought of doing so. This corruption only started when obstacles were put in front of those who wanted to get married.

Being exposed to fitnah (trials and temptations) only adds to this fear and danger. Immorality, prostitution, travelling abroad to corrupt places and illegal sexual relations have become widespread due to the complications entailed in marriage. Spinsterhood has many evil consequences for this nation from many aspects, be they emotional, economic, social, moral and/or behavioural. Especially in these times when the way to corruption has become far more easy accessible then ever before.

We must remind ourselves of the dire need to adhere to the principles and basic tenets of our deen (religion). Surveys conducted show that in one lightly populated Muslim country alone there are one and a half million single women who are waiting for the man of their dreams, and the number continues to increase. Indeed, this is a distressing matter and we need a proper practical solution.

The Importance of Marriage

Young men and women must get married as soon as possible, and they should not deprive themselves from this desired happiness and success due to the false excuse of building their futures first. Allaah, the Glorious, says (what means), {And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allaah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allaah is All-Encompassing and Knowing.} [Quran; 24:32]

Ibn Mas’ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said,

"If there was only ten days left in my life, and I knew that I would die after that, and I could get married (in the period of those ten days), then I would still do so, so that I would not expose my self to corruption."

Imaam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy on him) said,

"Remaining single is not from Islaam, and anyone who introduces the idea of remaining single is introducing something other than Islaam."

Rejecting suitable men and delaying women from marriage jeopardises and endangers men, woman and indeed the community as a whole. Suitable men are those whose practice of Islaam is sound, whose manners are good and who are kind, honest and from a good family. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Marry the one who has (i.e., practices) religion.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]

Studies Vs. Marriage

If we try to search for the reasons behind this phenomenon, we will discover most of them are due to traditions and customs, in addition to the ideological attack which our nation has been subject to by the disbelievers.

Young Muslim men and women are given hopes and dreams which, in reality, are illusions from Satan. Some of our youth give the excuse that they desire to complete their studies and that marriage would prevent them from doing so. The question is, when was marriage ever an obstacle? Experience has proved that a successful marriage helps in freeing the mind and relaxing the soul.

We must be very clear when we ask what good is a university degree, especially for a woman, if it means that she is to remain unmarried until old age, and may even miss the bliss of marriage altogether? What good is it if she will never enjoy having a husband or children to decorate her life and remain as a source of benefit for her after her death? Many women have delayed marriage and therefore missed out, their beauty faded away and they then wished that they could tear up their degree in exchange for hearing a child call them mother. But then it is too late, as we sadly hear all too often from those who went through this same experience.

This problem, and many others like it, are due to unclear understanding, weak faith, lack of practice and misconceptions regarding the objectives of Islam. Unjustified fears about the future, over-reliance on positions at work, being materialistic in life weakens ones reliance on Allaah and the acceptance of His decree.

Parents Realise!

Another of the main reasons for the spread of this phenomenon is because some parents oppressively prevent their daughters from marrying suitable young men, despite the fact that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “If a man whose religion and manners you approve of comes to you (proposing to your daughter), then give her in marriage to him, otherwise, there will be turmoil on the earth and great corruption.” [At-Tirmidhi & Ibn Maajah]

Some fathers breached the trust of Allaah over them by preventing their daughters from marriage. It may be that a young man comes to the father asking for his daughter's hand in marriage and the father delays or prohibit this union for no valid reason by citing baseless excuses. It may also be solely due to their criteria of acceptance being trivial, while totally disregarding the young man's religiosity, manners and honesty.

High Dowry Rates

Another reason for the spread of this evil phenomenon is the exorbitant dowries that some fathers request, so much so that marriage becomes impossible for some people. In some countries dowries reach ridiculous and unimaginable levels, which results in a mountain of debt for the poor individual. The greed which some people suffer from is truly saddening; they ask for amounts which the one proposing could never afford, even if he were to save for half of his life. Such people's greed and lust for this life has resulted in making honourable women look like pieces of merchandise, which are sold. All this has resulted in a huge increase in the number of unmarried women.

This is in fact both oppression and betrayal! Are these fathers unaware of the widespread painful, shameful and dishonoring real life stories within even the Muslim community? These stories should act as a warning for all parents to stop their heedlessness and protect their honour and dignity before it is too late. Look for suitable husbands for your daughters, just as ‘Umar offered his daughter in marriage to Abu Bakr and then ‘Uthmaan. Sa’eed Ibn Al-Musayyib gave his daughter in marriage to one of his students, indeed this was the practice of our righteous predecessors. Making marriage difficult results in destroying homes, killing chastity, ruining morality and spreading evil.

The dowry in Islaam is a means and not an objective; inflating it has terrible effects on both the individual, aswell as the community. It either prevents marriages from taking place or results in women getting married to unfit or unsuitable partners, which results in great regret and sorrow.

This greed which some people suffer from is completely the opposite of how our righteous predecessors used to be. ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said,

"Do not inflate dowries, because if it was good for ones livelihood, or righteous to do so, then the Prophet, may the peace and blessiings of Alah be upon him, would have done so."

In fact, the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave a woman in marriage to a Companion of his, and the dowry was what he had memorised from the Qur'aan! SubhaanAllah!

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to yet another Companion of his, ‘Abdur-Rahmaan Ibn ‘Awf, regarding the amount of dowry to give, “Give her a ring made from iron” and ‘Abdur-Rahmaan Ibn ‘Awf  gave a golden coin as his dowry. How simple marriages were within the Sahaabah!

Excessive Expenditure on Weddings

The tradition of excessive expenditure on weddings, which some especially impose on the groom, only adds to the problem. Sadly, such expenditure is only done in order to boast and show-off to others.

Scholars, wealthy people and those who hold a respected position in their respective communities must address this issue and set an example for the Muslim nation. The Islamic media should also educate the people, highlight the solutions and offer them to the people.

In Conclusion

The cure for spinsterhood lies in strengthening the foundation of faith in the Muslim nation and educating the believers regarding the correct Islamic beliefs, morals and principles.

We should facilitate marriages, reduce dowries and marry our daughters to suitable young men based on the correct Islamic criteria for choosing a spouse. We should guide people to suitable young men and the wealthy should support those who wish to get married.

The Sisters who genuinely are unable to find a suitable spouse should persevere, remain steadfast and chaste and be content with the decree of Allaah, because what Allah decrees is better than what a believer may strive for.

Finally, to comprehensively address the solution for the problem of spinsterhood, the Muslim community must give deep attention to the issue of polygamy according to Islamic guidelines. This is because there are many women who are single, divorced or widowed. Having said this, those men who partake in polygamy must be just, merciful and wise when dealing with their wives, especially the first one, because we are always hearing complaints from sisters about their husbands being unjust to them. We must remember that the Prophet  said, “He who has two wives and favors one over another (i.e., by being unjust to one of them by not fulfilling his duties towards her) will be on the Day of Resurrection with one side of his face cut and hanging (as a form of punishment).” [Ahmad]

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One of the first things that most people think about when preparing for or thinking about marriage, are the characteristics or qualities of the person they would like to marry. Some people think about how they want their potential husband or wife to look - perhaps they think about such things as hair and skin color. Some men may look for a wife who is an excellent cook, and some women may look for a husband who is very religious. Many Muslims nowadays look for a wife or husband that is conversant in the Arabic language, or someone that is at least a student of Arabic.

Nonetheless, most people, Muslims included, seem to go to great lengths to make elaborate lists, either on paper or in their minds, about all the things they want or expect from their potential husband or wife. And while this is good and perhaps a very necessary part of the marriage search, few people ever sit down with the same purposefulness and care in order to enumerate their own qualities and characteristics or just think about whether they, themselves, are the kind of people that someone else with just as high expectations or ideals would want to marry.

Think outside of yourself for a moment: If you were someone else, would you marry you? I don’t mean you, as you would like to see yourself weeks, months or even years from now. Nor do I mean you as you imagine yourself after you have had a chance to change a few of your bad habits, improve your character, fix yourself up, or you after you begin to practice your religion more seriously. I mean you, as you are TODAY.

I believe that if some people were to be completely honest with themselves, they would have to admit that they, themselves, do not possess the kind of qualities or characteristics they would want in a husband or wife.

Perhaps we all know of someone like this – possibly a relative, a best friend or maybe this person is YOU. For two people who are experienced at it, marriage, at best, can be difficult. It requires patience, diplomacy, perseverance, flexibility, wisdom, and endurance, just to name a few things.

Does this mean that if someone does not possess ALL of these qualities they should not get married? No, I don’t mean to say this. However, there are people that I have come across that are in a desperate race to get married; while at the same time they possess characteristics of selfishness, stubbornness, inflexibility, insensitivity, and ingratitude. They are overly critical of other people while at the same time they have difficulty accepting criticism of themselves. They also have poor communication skills. On top of all of that, they may be in denial and won’t face up to the fact that they have a *few* personality defects to iron out before getting married. Do any of these characteristics describe you or someone you know that is looking for a wife or a husband? Has anyone ever told YOU that you possess any of these characteristics?

Marriage is so serious an affair that I would dare say that if someone looking to get married possesses some or all of these qualities, they may be headed for big trouble. Or, should I say anyone that marries a person like this might be in very, very big trouble? The question then becomes: Does a person who possesses these kinds of shortcomings have to wait years before getting married? I would say the answer is no. Someone like this doesn’t have to wait years to get married.

Allah, The Sublime, says in the Quran that He will never change the condition of a people until they first change what is inside of them. This verse offers hope - hope of a new tomorrow. Isn’t that what most people want? They want to know that whatever difficulties they are facing today, a change is on the horizon for tomorrow. However, it does not only offer hope. It offers hope based on a condition. That condition is that we have to take the first step to recognize that we have a problem and then do something about it. Can a man who is a drunk ever become sober unless he recognizes that he has a problem? Can a woman that is insensitive, inflexible, stubborn, ungrateful, rigid, and selfish ever be a good wife?

Someone who is in denial about their faults will never be able to change their negative pattern of behaviour until they first recognize and ADMIT that they have a problem. Once you can admit that you have a problem, the next step is to begin working diligently and consistently on your problem or negative characteristics.

The key words here are working diligently AND consistently. As any doctor will tell you, a patient has to be diligent and consistent about taking their medicine in order to see good results. Couple this prescription that Allah gives us in the Qur'aan with prayer and strong faith, Allah willing, you can overcome any problem.

If after taking a good long, honest look at yourself in the mirror you cannot honestly say that you would make a good husband or wife in your present condition, then before you pick up the pen to enumerate a list of all the fine qualities you are looking for in a wife or husband, instead, why not list some of the qualities that you need to work on, and then embark on  a program to change these bad qualities so that someday soon, when Allah does bless you with a good wife or husband, you will be worthy of such a person?

After all, isn’t the divorce rate high enough already?

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As humans, we are truly powerless, especially when it comes to the unseen future. So why shouldn't we turn to Allaah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allaah responds to the call of His servant when he asks Him for guidance. After all, we are seeking to do something in order to please Him.

Istikhaarah means to ask Allah to guide you to the path best for you between two Islamically permissible options. In matters that are waajib (obligatory), haraam (forbidden) or makrooh (disliked) there is no need to pray Istikhaarah. Salaat-ul-Istikharah should only be used for matters that are mubaah (allowed) or in matters that are mustahabb (liked or encouraged), in which there is a decision to be made as to which one should be given priority.

Many wrong notions exist concerning Istikhaarah. Many Muslims will pray, read the supplication of Istikhaarah, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future husband, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this Salaat.

The results of an Istikhaarah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. You then follow the results of the Istikhaarah, if you don't then it tantamounts to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.

How Is Salaatul-Istikhaarah Performed?

It is a Sunnah that, if one needs to choose between permissible alternatives, one should pray two non-obligatory Raka'aat (Units of Prayer), even if they are of the Sunnah prayers or a prayer for entering the Masjid and recite therein whatever one wishes of the Qur'an after reciting Surah al-Faatihah. Then one should praise Allah and sends Salutations to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and recite the following supplication mentioned in the Hadeeth (Prophetic Narration).

The description of Salaat-ul-Istikhaarah was narrated by Jaabir ibn 'Abd-Allah as-Salami (may Allah be pleased with him) who said,

"The Messenger of Allah used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them surahs from the Qur'an.

He said, 'If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make, then let him pray two rak'ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say:

'O Allah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty.

You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things.

O Allah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me.

And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it."

The Prophet added that then the person should mention his need. [Saheeh al-Bukhaari]

Therefore, Salat-ul-Istikhaarah is just two raka'aat of a non-obligatory prayer, prayed at anytime during the day, with a specific supplication at the end. While reciting the du'a, you should be thinking about the situation you want to be advised about with pure intentions and from the bottom of your heart. Then remember that Allaah says that whenever he guides a heart aright it can never be misguided. Afterwards, you should 'have a good feeling' about one of your options. Whatever option you feel is best right after you say the du'aa should be your decision. If you're still in doubt, you can repeat.

Imaam an-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) wrote,

"...after performing the Istikhaarah, a person must do what he is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the Istikhaarah. If his feelings change, he should leave what he had intended to do, otherwise he is not completely leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking aid from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice, means that one should completely leave what he himself had desired or determined."

Some people mistakenly wait for a dream to give a clear sign as to what decision to make, but this is not true, and often times it never really happens. In fact, dreams may lead you away from what Allah wants you to do, as Shaytaan might try to deceive you in your dreams.

Salaat-ul-Istikhaarah is for everybody. It's a way for all of us to implore Allah for divine guidance and mercy. It is yet another invaluable resource from Allah to keep us on the straight and narrow Siraat-ul-Mustaqeem. The Prophet (peace be upon him) guidance regarding the Istikhaarah is for all Muslims, not just the scholars. Despite this gift, too many of us take the advice of our friends and parents, or accept the norms of our society and act without ever wondering what Allah wants us to do. We must stop looking towards the creation for guidance, we must begin to consult Allah, the Creator.

I cannot provide a better conclusion than advising that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says,

{Put your trust in Allâh, certainly, Allâh loves those who put their trust (in Him).} [Surah Al-Imran, Ayah 159]

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We find that in the Qur'aan Allah, the Glorious, says,

{And He it is Who has created man from water; then He has made for him blood relationship and marriage relationship. And thy Lord is ever Powerful.} [Qur'aan 25:54]

{One of His signs is this: that He has created mates for you from yourselves that you might find tranquility in them, and He has put between you love and compassion. Surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.} [Qur'aan 30:21]

Allah, the Most High, also mentions how marriage was also practised by many of the Prophets who came before the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him),

{And surely We sent Messengers before thee and appointed for them wives and children.} [Qur'aan 33:38]

And in praising the habits of good believers, it reads,

{And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us in our wives and our offspring the joy of our eyes . . ."} [Qur'aan 25:74]

Advantages

1. Procreation

This is the paramount advantage of marriage; namely, to contribute through legitimate means to the continuity and preservation of the human race. The sexual urge serves the function of bringing the mates together for the fulfilment of this basic objective.

The procreational objective has four aspects:

1. To fulfil the will of God;
2. To seek the pride of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) on the day of Judgement;
3. To benefit from the prayer of the child;
4. To profit from its intercession on behalf of its parents.

Almighty Allah, has provided the male with intricate fertilizing organs and the female with a receptive fertile womb. To let them be idle is to ignore the divine wisdom written on these God-given instruments. Imagine a farmer who, although he is given a piece of fertile land, seeds and farming tools, just lets the land go to waste, the seeds rot and tools rust. This farmer not only is a fool, but is to be condemned for his wasteful and harmful indifference.

The prayer of a righteous child is beneficial for the deceased parent. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,

"When the son of Adam dies, nothing would be of any more benefit to him except three things: a continuous charity, some useful knowledge he has left behind and a child who may pray for him."

Should the child die early and the parents accept its loss as the Will of Allah, without despair, it would be like a ticket to Paradise for them. The Prophet, prayers and peace be upon him, is related to have said,

"A child [who dies before reaching puberty] leads the parents to Paradise."

"A child will be brought [on the Day of Judgement] and told, "Get into Paradise." But he will stand reluctantly and angrily at its gate and say, "I am not going to enter Paradise without my parents." It will then be said, "Let his parents enter Paradise with him.""

2. Fulfilment of the Natural Urge

The sexual urge is perhaps the most powerful human inclination. It seems not to be an end in itself, but a means to bring mates together for the purpose of fertilization. Yet its fulfilment is the most enjoyable and absorbing of human experiences. Failure to fulfil this urge is likely to lead either to deviation or to maladjustment. Deviation is dishonourable and is strictly forbidden in Islam. Therefore, the Prophet, peace be upon him, calls upon youth, saying,

"O you young people! Whoever of you can afford to get married, let him do so. Those who cannot afford it, let them practice fasting, as it may be a protection to them [against sin]."

It is believed that the intense pleasure of the climax of the sexual act, though short-lived, has the value of reminding the believers of the more durable and more perfect enjoyment that awaits them in Paradise. The experience should enhance their zeal to comply with divine teachings.

The practice of marriage is the way to remove evil and protect against shameful failure. To try to suppress the sexual urge by other means, such as fasting, can also succeed in preventing the eyes from looking at forbidden scenes and keeping the sexual organs away from committing heinous abominations. But a wife is food for the man and a measure for purifying his heat. Therefore the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, commanded that whenever a man sees a woman and feels attracted to her, he should go and release his urge with his own wife in order to remove the evil thoughts from his mind.

3. A Healthy Relaxation

In marriage there is comfort to the soul, there is beauty to look at, there is company, and there is play, joking and relaxation, all of which relieve the heart from its burdens and make the mind better able to concentrate during prayers and worship. To be always serious and deprive the soul of its joy is boring to the heart and could blind it. Relaxing through the company of the spouse is healthy; and that is why the Qur'an describes the spouse as a source of mutual comfort. It is said that it is wise to divide one's time over three types of activities: worshiping the Lord, self-examination and entertainment of the heart. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, used to say, "Two worldly things are beloved to me -  women and perfume. But the light of my eye is in prayers."

4. A Comfortable Home

Marriage, moreover, provides co-operation in the household and greatly relieves one from worries. Spouses cooperate in the management of the house, in its upkeep, in cooking and washing, and so forth. And thus there will be more time for worship and seeking knowledge, and a climate conducive to concentration. It is therefore said that a righteous wife is not a worldly asset only; she is a sure way to success on the Day of Judgement. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,

"If God loves a man, He give him a righteous wife. If he looks at her, she pleases him; when he is with her, she is marvellous company; and when he is away, she observes conscientiously his rights, protecting his property and preserving her honour."

5. Social Importance

Finally, by adding responsibilities upon the individual, marriage enhances his status in society and gives him an opportunity for training in bearing the hardships of life. Living with a spouse, a person of different inclinations and background, trains one in accommodating oneself to new experiences; each party helps the other in the exercise of the virtues of patience and forbearance. The responsibility of rearing children and the need to earn for their living are added meritorious aspect arising from marriage. Listen to the Prophet (peace be upon him) when he said, "A man will be rewarded for what he spends on his wife, even for putting a morsel of food into her mouth. "

Disadvantages

There is no rose without thorns, and marriage is no exception. There is no relationship that modifies the mode of life of the individual or curtails the individual's freedom of action so suddenly or so profoundly as does marriage. Whether husband or wife, each has to take into account the reaction of the other party to whatever he or she may do.

Burdens and Risks

Upon marrying, the husband immediately carries the burden of the responsibility of his wife's welfare; and each birth brings forth more burdens. Sickness and other crises which may occur to his wife or to any of his children will be his own problems, and many of the things he would be able to enjoy by himself may fall outside his reach because of his domestic burden. And thus marriage brings him both hardships and deprivations.

The wife also, in addition to her husband's demands, becomes exposed to the burden of pregnancy, the pangs of birth, child care and the heavy task of nursing her husband and children when they are sick. She has to do the shopping, prepare the daily meals, and wash and clean. She has also to pay regard to her husband's wishes and attitude. And so marriage for her is hard work and a curtailment of her freedom.

Another disadvantage is the risk that marriage may prove to be a failure. If it is completely broken, then that is disastrous; and if it is maintained in spite of continuous troubles, life becomes hell. It is also likely in such a case of mutual tension that the parties behave unjustly to each other; and this will pile up sins for which they will deserve punishment on the Day of Judgement.

Moreover, the husband, in his search to satisfy the insatiable desires of an overambitious wife, or the needs of his children, may resort to corrupt or dishonest means, which would bring ruin to himself in this world and severe punishment in the life to come. The Qur'aan remarks in this respect, {O you who believe, surely of your wives and your children there are enemies to you. So therefore beware of them.} [Qur'aan 64:14]

Even if things proceed smoothly and comfortably in the household, the company of the wife and her attractions may excessively occupy the time and thought of her husband; and she may become too often engaged in amorous activities with him.

Refutation of Disadvantages

These seeming disadvantages may appear to outweigh the disadvantages, however, the burdened spouse is well compensated by the relief from the solitude and boredom of bachelorhood through the company of the other party and the children they both rear. Hardships they may suffer are worthy sacrifices in the interest of society. If everyone should run away from the responsibilities of marriage, mankind would degenerate, decline and ultimately disappear.

Engagement of the mind in the affairs of the household is not alien to the domain of divine worship. After all, the mind needs diversion and cannot easily be occupied in one type of work all the time.

The possibility of resorting to corrupt means to provide for domestic financial needs only arises with unscrupulous persons, married or otherwise; and marriage or need alone does not lead to corruption with conscientious, honest people. Married couples, however, should use their wisdom and manage their affairs within their means. They should not stretch their expenses beyond the income which they legitimately earn.

The possibility of failure in marriage is not a good cause for delay or reluctance. After all, there is a risk in every course of action in life, be it business, study, a journey or any other venture. If uncertainty of success were to debar us from venturing the risk, life would surely become paralysed. It is only in courage and challenge that individuals and nations can aspire to glory. Moreover, if due care is exercised in picking one's spouse, the possibility of failure becomes rather remote, Allah willing.

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One of the ways in which Islaam has honoured woman is by giving her the right to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force her to marry someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this right, but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes along, because they have her best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life and people.

There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue, for example the report quoted by Imaam al-Bukhaari from al-Khansa’ bint Khidam, “My father married me to his  nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah. He said to me, ‘Accept what your father has arranged.’ I said, ‘I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.’ He said, ‘Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.’ I said,

‘I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them).’” (Fath al-Bari, 9/194)

At first, the Prophet (peace be upon him) told al-Khansa’ to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their daughter's well being is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Islaam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing her to marry a man she may dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jameelah the sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet and said,

“O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behavior, but I hate to commit any act of disbelief when I am a Muslim."

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Will you give his garden back to him?” as her dowry had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) sent word to him, “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce.” (Fath al-Bari, 9/395, Kitab al-talaq, bab al-khul'.)

According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari from Ibn ‘Abbas, she said,

“I do not blame Thabit for anything with regard to his religion or his behavior, but I do not like him.”

Islaam has protected woman’s pride and humanity, and has respected her wishes with regard to the choice of a husband with whom she will spend the rest of her life. It is not acceptable for anyone, no matter who he is, to force a woman into a marriage with a man she does not like.

There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Bareerah, an Ethiopian slave-girl who b elonged to ‘Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who forced her to marry another slave whose name was Mugheeth. She would never have accepted him as a husband if she had been in control of her own affairs. ‘A’aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) took pity on her, so she purchased her and then set her free. When this young woman felt that she was free and in control of her own affairs, and that she could take a decision about her marriage, she asked her husband for a divorce.

Her husband used to follow her, weeping, whilst she rejected him. Al-Bukhaari quotes Ibn ‘Abbas describing this freed woman who insisted on the annulment of her marriage to someone she did not love. Our loving Prophet (peace be upon) commented on this moving sight, and sought to intervene. Ibn ‘Abbas said, “Barirah’s husband was a slave, who was known as Mugheeth. I can almost see him (i.e. even now i can remember him vividly), running after her and crying, with tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to ‘Abbas, ‘O ‘Abbas, do you not find it strange, how much Mugeeth loves Bareerah, and how much Bareerah hates Mugheeth?’ The Prophet (peace be upon him) said (to Bareerah), ‘Why do you not go back to him?’ She said,

‘O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me to do so?’

He said, ‘I am merely trying to intervene on his behalf.’ She said, ‘I have no need of him.’” (Fath al-Bari, 9/408, Kitab al-talaq, bab shafa'at al-Nabi (r) fi zawj Barirah.)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was deeply moved by this display of human emotion: deep and overwhelming love on the part of the husband, and equally powerful hatred on the part of the wife. He could not help but remind the wife, and ask her why she did not go back to him, as he was her husband and the father of her child. This believing woman asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this a command, a binding obligation? The Prophet (peace be upon him), this great law-giver and educator, replied that he was merely trying to intercede and bring about reconciliation if possible; he was not trying to force anybody to do something they did not wish to. Let those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own daughters listen to the teaching of the Prophet!

Wise and Correct Standards For Choosing a Husband

The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of religious  commitment and his attitude and behavior, because these are the pillars of a successful marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching indicates the importance of these qualities in a potential husband, as Islaam obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest fitnah (trial and temptation) and corruption become widespread in society. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah and mischief will become widespread on earth.” (Hasan hadith narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/274, Abwab al-nikah, 3; and by Ibn Majah, 1/633, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-akfa'.)

Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the pretty girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim young woman who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to stupid “play-boy” types, no matter how handsome they may be. Rather she will be attracted to the serious, educated, believing man who is clean-living and pure of heart, whose behavior is good and whos understanding of religion is sound. No one is a suitable partner for the good, believing woman except a good, believing man; and no one is a suitable partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward, immoral man, as Allah (the Glorious) has said, {Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity} (Qur’aan 24:26)

This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore the matter of physique and appearance, and put up with unattractiveness or ugliness. It is her right - as stated above – to marry a man for whom her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her both in his appearance and in his conduct. Appearance should not be neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman should choose a man who is attractive to her, one who will gain her admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is never dazzled by outward appearances, and she never lets it distract her from seeing the essence of a potential spouse.

The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qawwaamah over her, as the Qur’aan says, {Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwaamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means.} (Qur’aan 4:34)

Hence she wants to marry a man of qawwaamah over. For this she will feel proud and be happy to marry him and never regret it. She wants a man who will take her hand in his and set out to fulfill their life’s mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising a new generation of intelligent and caring children, in an atmosphere of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting attitudes or religious differences.

Believing men and believing women are supposed to walk side-by-side on the journey of life, which is a serious matter for the believer, so that they may fulfill the great mission with which Allah (the Glorious) has entrusted mankind, men and women alike, as the Qur’aan says, {For Muslim men and women - for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are constant and patient, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast [and deny themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s praise - for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.} (Qur’aan 33:35)

In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage bond and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to choose the right partner in the first place.

The Amazing Example of Umm Sulaym bint Milhaan

Among the great Muslim women of Islaaam, one who is known for her strength of character, lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in her choice of a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhaan.

She was one of the first Ansaari women to embrace Islaam. She was married to Maalik ibn Nadhar, and bore him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam, her husband Malik was angry with her, and left her, but she persisted in her Islam. Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his death, and she was still in the flower of her youth. She bore it all with the hope of reward, for the sake of Allah (the Mighty), and devoted herself to taking care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She took him to the Prophet, so that he could serve him and learn from him.

One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best looking richest and strongest, came to seek her hand in marriage. This was Abu Talhah - before he became Muslim. Many of the young women of Yathrib liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good looks, and he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush to accept his offer. But to his astonishment, she told him,

“O Aboo Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banoo (the tribe of) so-and so."

He said, “Of course.”

She said,

“Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of Banoo (the tribe of) so-and-so?”

Abu Talhah was stubborn, and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle, but she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly,

“O Aboo Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you were to embrace Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr), and I would ask you for nothing more.” (Reported by al-Nisa'i with a sahih isnad, 6/114, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-tazwij 'ala'l-Islam.)

He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry and more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistence and maturity only enhanced her beauty in his eyes. She said to him,

“O Aboo Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were to set it alight, it would burn.”

Her words came as a shock to Abu Talhah, and he asked himself, "Does the Lord burn?" Then he uttered the testimony of faith, “Ashhadu an laa ilaaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasoolullah.” And hence became a Muslim.

Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire being,

“O Anas, marry me to Aboo Talhah.”

So Anas brought witnesses and the marriage was solemnized.

Aboo Talhah was so happy that he was determined to put all his wealth at Umm Sulaym’s disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere believing woman. She told him,

“O Aboo Talhah, I married you for the sake of Allah (the Glorious), and I will not take any other dowry.”

She knew that when Abu Talhah embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband, but she also earned a reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) that was better than owning red camels (the most highly-prized kind) in this world, as she had heard the Prophet say, "If Allah (the Glorious) were to guide one person to Islaam through you, it is better for you than owning red camels.” (Fath al-Bari, 7/476, Kitab al-maghazi, bab ghazwat Khaybar.)

Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim women may learn purity of faith, strength of character, soundness of belief and the wisdom in choosing a husband.

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Here we stand, apart, not touching, not looking.

Tomorrow is our nikaah (marriage).

But today, it is as if we are standing at the edge of the sea, the tide coming in to meet us.

We are almost ready to plunge into the rolling surf and swim out to the world of tomorrow, with its far-off horizon.

Families, words of praise and recommendation, questions and shy glances are behind us now.

You have seen what pleases you.

And I have seen what pleases me.

And so now, before our fates are inextricably entwined, I will bare my heart to you.

Without reservations, I will show you the core of my being.

I am like a sapling, a tender sapling, whose roots reach eagerly to drink life's goodness.

Take care when you hold the tender sapling between your fingers.

I was created by Allah, a delicate seed, born of my mother and father's love.

My mother nurtured me in her womb

where an angel blew a soul into my tiny form.

My mother's body cradled me and I breathed of her air.

She nourished me from herself and spoke love to me in the darkness.
I was born into the love of my parents and I began to grow.

Seed became seedling under their care and attention.

They showered me with praise, and my self-esteem sprouted.

They guided me with kindness and my character blossomed.

They weeded the world around me so that I could grow strong and pure.

And now that my first buds are about to open, they have entrusted me to you.

How will you tend me?

Will you coax my buds to unfurl with words of love and kind attention?

Or will you pluck them before they're ready, crushing their new petals and delicate stems?

When I bring forth delicate blossoms of talent and inspiration,

Will you smile at their dreaming petals and share in the blush of hope?

Or will you watch as blossoms wither under your disapproving gaze,

Your criticism, your scorn, and your self-righteous censure?

Will you guide my wilder branches, gently, coaxing them to grow straight and true?

Or will you simply break off the ones that displease you, trampling them carelessly underfoot?

And when, inshaa' Allah, when I come to bear your children, will you continue to water me?

Or will you pluck those precious fruits, one by one, and turn away from the empty branches?

And when my trunk grows wide and thick with age, will you marvel at my strength?

Or will you recoil from touching my rough, brown bark?

When the years have become mere memories, will you admire how tall we have grown?

Or will your restless, selfish heart long to reach out for another sapling?

When I am as weak as the waving branches of a weeping willow – will you protect me?

When I am as strong as the trunk of the mighty Redwood tree – will you support me?

When I am as wise as the age rings of the old, old oak tree – will you respect me?

When I am as foolish as the fickle blossoms of early Spring – will you be patient with me?

When I am as fragile as the flowers of a jasmine tree – will you keep me safe?

When I am as bold as the roots that break through concrete – will you believe in me?

How will you tend me?

For now I have shown you my heart, its dreams, its hopes and fears.

Look carefully as we stand at the edge of the water.

Are you willing to bare your soul and show your heart to me?

So that I feel safe as the two of us swim on out to sea.

Remember that I am like a sapling, a creation of Allah.

Take care when you hold me between your fingers.

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Although the following advice is for brothers, it paints a beautiful picture of what a wife should truly be like...

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you.

When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'aan's verse which says, "They are your garments and you are their garments." (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187)

Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that it is an act of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa), "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa) in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa) is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa) knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa) is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'aalaa) will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet (salallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet (salallaahu 'alayhi wasallam) even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough!  Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

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'Abdul-Malik (radiyallaahu 'anhaa) said, "When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jaahiliyyah (time of ignorance) was marrying his daughter, Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi and as she was made ready to be taken to the groom, her mother, Umaamah came into her room to advise her and said,

‘"O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities. But it (the following advice) will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

O my daughter, if a woman were able to do wthout a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you. Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you:

* The first and second of them are: Be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah (the Glorious and Mighty).

* The third and fourth of them are: Make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

* The fifth and sixth of them are: Prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

* The seventh and eight of them are: Take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

* The ninth and tenth of them are: Never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal and his mistrust of you in turn, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

* Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.